Making contact scares me

I can't answer in full right now but just letting you know your feelings are totally normal! Hopefully others will come on and give you more advice.

It's such an individual thing, it's hard to really give advice. Speaking as a birthmother, I would have been delighted to be contacted by my son. Our first contact was by email (I wan't on facebook 10 years ago.). I guess I would suggest sending a message asking if she is looking for the child she placed for adoption. The problem is that if you're not a "friend" it goes to a different inbox and she may not see it. I found my son's name on the registry here so I knew he had at least some interest on contact. Do you have any other current information?

Is it really worth it? That's something that each of us has to determine based on our current life circumstances, challenges, and personalities. For me, the answer was yes. It was most definitely worth it. My mother is in the closet, so she chose not to open the door more than a crack. But, I still received some information, and I know more now than I did. Moreover, she gave me my father's name, and he and I get along very well. You have to prepare for the possibility of rejection, and, yes, it does sting. But, for some of us, we must take the risk because we cannot bear not knowing.

I think you also have to decide what you are really looking for: medical information, a relationship, the chance to tell her your feelings of abandonment and anger, etc. Again, as a birthmom I had spent 30+ years not knowing if he was alive or dead. I'm also not "in the closet" although I talk about the adoption far more openly now than I did before reunion. We have developed a comfortable relationship and they have welcomed us into their lives. I think he would agree with me that our reunion has definitely been worth it.

I think you also have to decide what you are really looking for: medical information, a relationship, the chance to tell her your feelings of abandonment and anger, etc. Again, as a birthmom I had spent 30+ years not knowing if he was alive or dead. I'm also not "in the closet" although I talk about the adoption far more openly now than I did before reunion. We have developed a comfortable relationship and they have welcomed us into their lives. I think he would agree with me that our reunion has definitely been worth it.

You might give your mom some peace of mind. My mother admitted to feeling relief after I contacted her because I was alive and seemed well. I disagree that you have to go in knowing what you want. Ideally, yes, that would be great. But, you may not know exactly what you want. It reminds me of this quote from Field of Dreams: Ray. People will come, Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past." I have found that many of us have this gnawing that we cannot explain. Until this other family becomes real to you, you may not know what you want, and what you want may change once you see them and start learning about them.

There is some truth to that. I wasn't sure what I wanted. Medical info was some of it because my bmom died young and suddenly so I wanted to know why. I was also open to whatever happened re contact - I decided to "go with the flow". Because they are extended family (uncles/aunts,cousins), I don't see them that often but I have a comfortable relationship with them.

Hi Austin,I know I am coming in late, but I was wondering if you ever made contact with your mother and how it all went. I just went through 6 months of the reunion process with my son and I think he finally realized that he was not ready for everything the reunion process brought with it. My advice to you is to not make contact with your mother until you are prepared. I read over 30 books on the adotion process and reunions and I thought I was prepared, but I made my mistakes in the process as well. No one can be fully prepared and I know it is hard to jump into the unknown, but I have talked to mothers and their found children and sometimes it can be a wonderful experience. You never know until you try. I hope your experience is a wonderful one:)))