Single male with adoption questions

True that. I misread. My mistake. :prop:

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense and makes me feel better about my chances of a successful match. Can you explain what you mean by that? Because I won't seem prepared maybe? And that is something I've been curious about. Developmental delays vs intellectual disability... If the delay is environmental, then I'm willing to work to catch the child up (if possible). If the potential is just not there, then that isn't a good match for me. You ask some interesting questions. What makes me think I'm ready? Well, I'm a first time parent, so like all others (I assume) there is nothing that can be done to really prepare me. I do have experience working in an RTC with minors, so I have an idea of what I'm getting myself into. I definitely have the patience and will to deal with them, at least on an individual basis. I like to think the kids responded well to me, especially in contrast with the way other techs handled them. (Apparently they didn't take "love and logic" seriously, but I'm a strong proponent.) In that respect, I guess you could say that I am "trained" to work with special needs children. That's how I plan to sell myself too. :) I have a background in psychology and am currently a social worker myself, but I don't work with children directly at the moment. Now this is a little bit tricky. I have amazing friends right now, but we are all parting ways soon. I will be moving and establishing myself in a new state. They are always a phone call away, ready to emotionally support me. What qualifies them to advise me? Nothing. I will be the first parent among them. My parents are of course always there for me too, but I also can rely on employee counseling services if the need arises. I know I'll need more than just emotional support though, so I'll be working on networking once I move. I don't have a game plan yet, but my goal is to find people who I can trust to watch my child in emergencies. That is where I feel I'm lacking right now. Thanks for the replies! It feels good to be talking about this with people who can relate and know more about it than me.

Thanks for your honest replies. Traumatized children introduce an unpredictable and unstable element into your life. It is difficult to know what to expect, except to expect the unexpected. I would have fit the bill of the age range and background you mentioned in your OP, so I felt compelled to explore whether or not you had an idea what you were getting yourself into. It seems that you do. I suspect that a special needs child would be in good hands in your care. Good luck.

Exactly. However, your reply shows a lot more balance than your initial post, so I'm sure you'll be fine. You're obviously eager if your preparing ways to sell yourself, but it seems that you have a fairly realistic understanding that one is never quite prepared to parent, and that you have some resources you will need to develop, etc.There are many people who come to fostering or adoption from civic or spiritual duty with a savior mentality. Those placements often fail because the parent has not considered that this is not a rescue mission but a lifelong lifestyle commitment. For a moment, you were coming off like you might be one of those.Foolhardy optimism, however, tempered by some realistic expectations, is quite typical at this stage in the game. :arrow: My point, though, is that you may just not know. It is a great thing to know, express, and stick to your limits and plans. But Jennifer put it right when she said "expect the unexpected", because no one knows the future. So go ahead and say you want a child with intellectual potential, but still run through that contingency plan in case things turn out otherwise. Or go ahead and accept the placement of the kid who is periennially behind in school, and let him knock your socks off with how brilliant he really is.To illustrate, we said no sexual abuse, but it came out after adoption, and we are learning to cope. We said no violent behaviors and wound up with two of those. We said mild intellectual disability only and are working with a fairly severe learning disability. We said 2, and wound up with 3. We also have a gifted athlete, a compassionate crusader, a theater star, a comedian, a cartoonist, a leader, and overall 3 really awesome kids. We didn't ask for any of that, either. You'll find tons of parents with similar experiences.So know your limits, and also know you may be put in a position to ignore some of them. Also know it will always be worth it, and you may be surprised by what kind of family you learn how to be.

Exactly. However, your reply shows a lot more balance than your initial post, so I'm sure you'll be fine. You're obviously eager if your preparing ways to sell yourself, but it seems that you have a fairly realistic understanding that one is never quite prepared to parent, and that you have some resources you will need to develop, etc. There are many people who come to fostering or adoption from civic or spiritual duty with a savior mentality. Those placements often fail because the parent has not considered that this is not a rescue mission but a lifelong lifestyle commitment. For a moment, you were coming off like you might be one of those. Foolhardy optimism, however, tempered by some realistic expectations, is quite typical at this stage in the game. :arrow: My point, though, is that you may just not know. It is a great thing to know, express, and stick to your limits and plans. But Jennifer put it right when she said "expect the unexpected", because no one knows the future. So go ahead and say you want a child with intellectual potential, but still run through that contingency plan in case things turn out otherwise. Or go ahead and accept the placement of the kid who is periennially behind in school, and let him knock your socks off with how brilliant he really is. To illustrate, we said no sexual abuse, but it came out after adoption, and we are learning to cope. We said no violent behaviors and wound up with two of those. We said mild intellectual disability only and are working with a fairly severe learning disability. We said 2, and wound up with 3. We also have a gifted athlete, a compassionate crusader, a theater star, a comedian, a cartoonist, a leader, and overall 3 really awesome kids. We didn't ask for any of that, either. You'll find tons of parents with similar experiences. So know your limits, and also know you may be put in a position to ignore some of them. Also know it will always be worth it, and you may be surprised by what kind of family you learn how to be.

Thank you for that. For some reason I was expecting more criticism! I was pleasantly surprised. Thanks for the reassurance! Can you explain more about that please? I guess I do have a "savior" mentality about it. I'm not expecting any thanks, but I hope to make them feel safe, loved, and at peace. I want them to feel like they are home, like they belong, and like they are family. I want them to feel proud of themselves and give them opportunities for success (and be there for them when they fail). Isn't that what parenting is all about? Thanks for taking the time to explain to me what I'm sure you've explained many times before. I understand you said no sexually abused or violent children, but how highly prioritized were those criteria? And how did you end up with them? If you've told your story elsewhere, I'd be happy with a link.

Absolutely. Parenting is about all those things. Sometimes you can achieve them, sometimes you can't.A savior, first of all, probably wouldn't cope well with failure on those fronts. Parents don't necessarily cope much better, but we understand it as part and parcel to the task. Furthermore, I think the savior has a sense that this task is for some reward (internal or external, spiritual or material, implicit or explicit) that is outside of it, while a parent feels the task is the reward. What my children have given me is boundless, and not repayable. Not only am I helping to make them into themselves as they grow, they are making me into the person I continue to become in their presence....Now I sound preachy. Sorry about that.I haven't really explained it before, and I don't mind. Sexual abuse was an absolute no for us. We didn't feel equipped. None of our children had documented abuse in their history. One disclosed it to us after placement, and has acted out on it since. We were glad for the felt safety that led to a disclosure, devastated for the child, and our lives were turned upside down with the acting out. I regret nothing -- that's one of the pieces where I continually find out what I'm made of and what I can do. I wish these things never happened, for sure, but there are silver linings, and healing can be a beautiful thing.As for the violence? We may have been open to it depending on the details, but there was nothing in their files, so it wasn't a decision we made. The violent tantrums began quite early in their placements with us. Hitting, pinching, stomping, kicking, biting, scratching, mostly me. We were surprised with the first child, made lots of mistakes, but ultimately learned how to cope, and those are basically extinct from that child. The second was just as surprising, since there had been no recorded history of this behavior, but we had learned a lot from the first go around and have reduced those pretty effectively, too.Huh. So the kids weren't violent until they came to us. That sounds bad, but really, permanency and structure can cause some big reactions in a kid who doesn't know how to talk about what they're going through. Violent kid #2? During the first violent tantrum became angrier and more violent when I insisted he still had my love and understanding even when he was angry and violent.On both these counts, others may have disrupted, and I don't fault those who do. But for us, it wasn't a consideration. It wasn't what we signed on for, no, but ultimately, our commitment is to a child, not a criterion. So those criteria guided us in committing, but our commitment was for better or worse.

Absolutely. Parenting is about all those things. Sometimes you can achieve them, sometimes you can't. A savior, first of all, probably wouldn't cope well with failure on those fronts. Parents don't necessarily cope much better, but we understand it as part and parcel to the task. Furthermore, I think the savior has a sense that this task is for some reward (internal or external, spiritual or material, implicit or explicit) that is outside of it, while a parent feels the task is the reward. What my children have given me is boundless, and not repayable. Not only am I helping to make them into themselves as they grow, they are making me into the person I continue to become in their presence. ...Now I sound preachy. Sorry about that. I haven't really explained it before, and I don't mind. Sexual abuse was an absolute no for us. We didn't feel equipped. None of our children had documented abuse in their history. One disclosed it to us after placement, and has acted out on it since. We were glad for the felt safety that led to a disclosure, devastated for the child, and our lives were turned upside down with the acting out. I regret nothing -- that's one of the pieces where I continually find out what I'm made of and what I can do. I wish these things never happened, for sure, but there are silver linings, and healing can be a beautiful thing. As for the violence? We may have been open to it depending on the details, but there was nothing in their files, so it wasn't a decision we made. The violent tantrums began quite early in their placements with us. Hitting, pinching, stomping, kicking, biting, scratching, mostly me. We were surprised with the first child, made lots of mistakes, but ultimately learned how to cope, and those are basically extinct from that child. The second was just as surprising, since there had been no recorded history of this behavior, but we had learned a lot from the first go around and have reduced those pretty effectively, too. Huh. So the kids weren't violent until they came to us. That sounds bad, but really, permanency and structure can cause some big reactions in a kid who doesn't know how to talk about what they're going through. Violent kid #2? During the first violent tantrum became angrier and more violent when I insisted he still had my love and understanding even when he was angry and violent. On both these counts, others may have disrupted, and I don't fault those who do. But for us, it wasn't a consideration. It wasn't what we signed on for, no, but ultimately, our commitment is to a child, not a criterion. So those criteria guided us in committing, but our commitment was for better or worse.

Firstly: welcome, congrats on your decision to pursue this crazy path, etc., etc. ;) Secondly: You sound like you have the knowledge and skill set to do well parenting an older adopted child. Others have detailed that already, so I'll leave it to them. Thirdly, my main reason for posting: I think it is very problematic that you are going in this to save a child. It is just a whole lot more complicated than that (speaking as someone who adopted a 10yo with behavioral problems--who is now doing fantastic). For one, the child is not likely to feel that way, at least not any time soon. They may be grateful, but it's pretty unlikely. At the very least, they will be feeling and thinking, on some level, "where were you when I was bein hurt before?? Why are you so late?" More likely, they will be angry at you for replacing the people they've lost. Even if you do their job 1000x better. Doesn't matter. Even if you know all this, and are thinking, "but it doesn't matter, they don't have to KNOW I'm saving them. I just want to DO it." Well, I suppose that's more realistic! But still problematic (JMO. I am not claiming my view here is "right" while yours is wrong; you're every bit as entitled to an opinion. But I am assuming you posted because you want us to give it to you straight, so here it is). You may not be able to save a child. And, if you don't, it can still be worth it. It's worth it for the little things: the smiles, the tiny milestones, the days with no tantrums. It's worth it for the big things: graduations, friendships, the first job. But even without these things, it's somehow still worth it, because it's inherently worthy. I guess what I'm saying is, don't just think outcomes. Will you be increasing a child's chance of success and happiness by adopting them? Probably. But even if things just get worse and worse and worse, even if your child is just too hurt to ever really engage with the world, I think it can still be worth it. There was a time when I honestly believed my AD was going to end up in prison. I really was not sure any other path was possible, when she was 11-13. Every.single.day was a fight, often ending in property damage, theft, etc. She was stuck in fight-or-flight, and nothing I did made it better. For her, panic meant "break it or steal it." It was a mess. AND, even if it hadn't gotten better, it would have been worth it. For me, the journey had to matter more than the destination, because I was promised a journey. Nobody on earth could promise me a destination. But the journey, I had. I got one. My AD has been accepted into the pre-health program at our local college due to her excellent grades (this is the child with "mild intellectual disability"...yeah right). We have had ZERO instances of property damage or stealing in YEARS. Coming up on 4, now. She yells at me sometimes. The way 17yos do. She apologizes afterwards. So my point is, if you go in this to save a kid, you might be really, really disappointed in 5 years. You might not, but I don't know that's it's worth all that effort to feel like a failure. That's why I think it's about the journey. I am still learning this lesson (see my most recent threads, where I whine about being unable to make a difference--yeah). But maybe that's about the journey, too :)

I love this advice! Yes, and welcome to you! Sometimes I can't help the, "I want to help them" thoughts too, because every child deserves a family and you want them to feel loved. But in that there's also the self-fulfillment of wanting a life of meaning. To me, growing my family and giving family to a child is one of the most meaningful things one can do! I don't think this means you have a "Savior Complex" just because you want to help kids, but like others have said, there's got to be other desires in your heart for this to be part of YOUR journey too, not just THEIR journey and you can't be doing it for recognition or expect pats on the back. It sounds like you want to do this for lots of great reasons. Keep us updated!

Sounds good. Sign me up! :) I am fascinated to feel like I am in a community of like-minded people. It's strange but I've never given much thought to what kinds of people foster and adopt "special needs" children. Very interesting... Until talking on here, my only knowledge of foster parents was from the news, so pretty much only when things went wrong. (Or maybe I'm wrong and most parents have pretty much the same attitude as you all.) Thanks! It's hard to imagine what it's like to be in their shoes, especially at such a young age. The world is a very different place to them than their peers, I'm sure. They are understandably angry. I'm a patient person, but I would be lying if I said it wouldn't bother me if they never grew to like me and attach to me. I guess there's no way to predict how that will go. Thanks for the heads-up. I'll just have to dive in and see where life takes me. Live and learn, right? Why do you think she was diagnosed in the first place? And why do you think she has come to excel despite the diagnosis? Maybe I am too worried about a small detail that could easily turn out to be insignificant. It sounds like you have a wonderful attitude. I will be checking out your posts when I get the chance. And thanks to you too! Thank you to everyone for the discussion and the encouragement. I think my original questions have been answered and then some, and I feel way more optimistic than I did before. I am very impressed with the community here so far. It sounds like this is what I should have been considering for a long time now, but it just has never crossed my mind. I'm not sure how active I'll be on here, but I'm sure you will see me around. I'll try to update as things progress.

A couple of reasons. She was delayed at the time. Like very very delayed. She missed tons of primary schooling, but she also just wasn't working anywhere near the level of her peers. Emotional factors affected her performance as well. When you're grieving, it's hard to care about long division. Over time, she's had consistency, emotional healing, regular education, etc. and been able to achieve a fuller potential then otherwise. To some extent, the original diagnosis was inaccurate, but she's also a smarter person than she was 7 years ago. That said... It's not insignificant. I wouldn't turn down a placement because of delays alone because most FKs are delayed (stress, lack of stimulation, moving schools....the list goes on). But if the child has a dx of intellectual disability, I'd look real hard at it before deciding whether it is or isn't accurate. On the other hand... We had a 12yo placement with "mild behaviors, no learning issues" who turned out to have an IQ in the 50s and a severe language disorder. She could communicate about on a 3yo level (she was also bilingual, which, while not the cause of her issues, did cause additional frustration when she didn't understand that not everyone spoke both languages). With support she's now doing much better, but this child was in a mainstream 6th grade with no special supports when we got her. Yikes! Point being, do your research either way. I'm pleased you've found it helpful! I'd love to hear an update. I'd recommend you post on the Foster Parent Support board as well ([url]http://forums.adoption.com/foster-parent-support/)[/url], particularly if seeking advice. The community's a lot smaller than it was when they made all these different forums, so we've congregated on a few of the larger ones. The FP board gets a lot more traffic than this one, and not everyone is strictly foster. We have plenty of APs too, including some who were never really in it for short term fostering, and we aren't fussed about it :)

Being that your a sigle man your going to have to fight harder since a lot of agency's are a little closed minded about us single men who want to adopt , but just keep trying and you will succeed, try the foster parenting that is your easiest way to get your foot in. the door

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It's always nice to see another single male who wants to adopt a child. There are a few on these boards and I've found them full of helpful advice. I haven't been on the board in awhile (going through some stuff and this board was painful at the time...crushed hopes due to financial and family reasons), so I don't know how many are still around..but search single male or single men and you should find them.I hope your search lands you the kid who is meant for you. Good luck.