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We are almost done with an ICPC for a 12 year old that we have been in contact with since Oct. We bring her home every other weekend and she stays for all holidays at our house. Once we gets to us we have to wait 6 months and then file for adoption.
She has 2 brothers who can not be in the same home with her. The oldest has since found his bio mom on Facebook (yes I stalked her). I am worried that she might somehow try to get her rights back or stop the adoption.
Her rights were terminated in 2012. She didn't show up to court hearings or anything. She had been in jail for robbery and was on drugs. The kids went to the dad who abused them and his rights were terminated in 2012 as well.
I'm nervous because the brother reached out to her and it seems like she's off drugs at this point and maybe she's thinking about doing something to get them back. Our 12 year old fit in to our family like glue. She started calling me mom almost from day one and we haven't looked back. But she does have a lot of issues and can't be with her brothers because of all their issues and...I don' t know I feel like my wheels are spinning and I'm worrying myself sick. She does mention sometimes she just wish she could write her bio mom and let her know that she's angry about what she had to go through, but she also has attachment issues so she doesn't really feel that kind of connection with her. This could be because when mom did have custody the kids lived with other family members for a long period of time.
I told our 12 year old that she couldn't get a Facebook account until she was 13 so I have a year before she gets on an could potentially reach back. Am I being paranoid. Part of me just wants to make sure the adoption in finalized before I even entertain any sort of contact. Does that make me a monster?
Anyone that has any advice or information, that would be great.
Thanks,
Ashley
If parental rights have been terminated she has no more rights to this child than the next door neighbor does. She can't come and take the child legally.
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The mother lost TPR, So I don't see her getting your daughter back. I would consider blocking dangerous family members on Face book, if their is any.
You may want to also address this issue with a therapist or the one who is assisting with your adoption. It is scary but even more scary is exactly why the boys can't be in the same home as your future daughter. What behaviors does she need to be protected from, and will contact with mom or brothers exacerbate her own issues. I too would block the "family" she shouldn't have contact with.
I would help your daughter write a letter, preferably with a therapist, and get her feelings down on paper, whether she sends it or not can be decided later.
I would also let her know that facebook is not the place for those kinds of discussions. I would also start teaching her that there are boundaries and rules about having a facebook account and not having birthfamily as "friends" on facebook may be one of those rules. You having the password may be another rule for the first few years.
I discussed this alot with my daughter when she first got facebook and we talked about it being her safe place with her same age friends and for her not to have to be concerned with who saw what and having emotionally charged discussions/interactions with birth family members via facebook.
I also made it clear to birth family members (particularly the ones we do not keep visits with) that they are not to be on social media with her. We have great relationships and text, share photos and have real life experiences with them instead.
Now she is old enough to decide for herself and she chooses not to add them and our set up works for her.
It is not their right to have unfettered access to her and all contact should be filtered through you for the first few years and especially at this young age and early stage. IMHO
Thank you everyone for your responses. I am glad to get feedback letting me know I'm not crazy. I have a lot to think about and ultimately what to do what's best for her.
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Hi :)
I am a former foster child. I entered the system at 11 and I went through similar issues with my older brother (who was and still does drugs) We didn't have facebook so this is something that's going to be a little bit different for her then it was for me. I'm not sure you will be able to control the communication as well as you really want. Kids will always find a way to do what they feel like they need to do. And that's not just her but all kids.
The letter is a great idea, I have written many at different stages in my life and have never sent any but It was really therapeutic to me. My feelings have not really changed. I still feel cheated, I have just learned how to move forward and cope with a loss that had no closure. Writing down how I felt was very helpful for me to learn how exactly I did feel. I didn't really have that connection with my mother but it was clear at that stage in my life that I really should have had something special. It took me until my mid 20's to feel some sort of acceptance to the situation which only rehashed when I had a child of my own and still could not understand why or how.
I didn't have a foster/adoptive mother that helped me through my issues and I didn't get any therapy and as an adult, remembering how I felt at times, healing could have been a little easier with more support.
I hesitate to really give any kind of advice because I have not yet been on the other side of this yet. My Husband and I are in the beginning stages of foster to adoption and our son is only 5 right now. I have never had to hold the hand of another and try to make those big decisions. Good Luck :)
Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, just a few weeks ago my daughter's biomom died of a drug overdose. Oh I was so devastated for her. It was very easy for her for a few days, and then woa Nelly, she just went berserk for about a week. My heart just broke for her.