Didn't want to be found

About 20 years ago during one of the most stressful times in my life, I get a call from a woman who tells me she's my birth mother. We meet and she has so much guilt that I end up comforting here, telling her that I've had a great life and my parents are wonderful to me and have always been and that I love them very much. We start hanging out sometimes, at the time I was working as a singer/guitar player and she'd come to my gigs. I met my two bio-sisters and that's ok, this goes on for a couple of months. One day I pick up the phone I the voice says, "Hi, it's your sister". Right then it hit me, this is not "my sister", the woman I got to "pick" at the hospital when we adopted her. The one I got to name. To me, the whole thing just seemed wrong, I never really desired to find my bio-mom, I had a Mom and she was awesome. So I wrote her a letter and explained that I needed some space, etc. When my son was born I had her over to meet him, but didn't continue the relationship. We'd talk every couple of years or email, but she had me on her "forward crap email full of viruses" list and when I asked her not to keep sending me that stuff she thought I was telling her to go away. She's got serious guilt issues and loves to focus them like a tractor-bean onto me when we talk. In Jan of this year I called her and it was a big sob scene, her real kids don't pay much attention to her, she's sick, needs help, etc. I'm many states away, so parental care is not going to happen. When my parents were alive their care was a big factor in the decision making of both myself and my wife. Part of me wants to get involved, but there's this part that just blocks it. It's an emotional wall that keeps coming up, like a short circuit. The same feelings I had when I first realized I don't have the ability or desire for two Mothers. When I write this out and read it, it almost sounds petty, but the feeling is strong. I hold the memory of my dear Mother close to me, I lost her about 3 years ago and anything else just seems wrong. I can't be the only one who feels this way. Any thoughts? Thanks - TT

TT, I just wanted to reinforce that you have the right to feel any way that you want to about your bio family. It's right and choice to establish the appropriate boundaries that meet your needs. If your bio family does not respect those boundaries, then it is their problem, not yours. Nothing can overshadow the wonderful relationship with the mom that raised you and obviously loved you very much.

I'm finding myself in a similar situation. When I was a junior in high school, my adopted sister found me by sheer luck; she went knocking on all the doors in the high school until she found me. I was initially adopted from Juarez, Mexico so there was a strong language barrier at the time. I met her a couple times because i was curious, but then she hinted that I should come back to Juarez. I am NOT interested in doing that, so I stopped talking to her. The problem I run into though is that I was adopted in the family. The woman i call my mother is really my aunt. Her husband had a sister that is my biological mother. It's been 13 years since i last talked to my sister, but now i'm getting text messages from her wanting to talk again. I'd have to assume that it was my father/uncle that provided my info to them. I've long since gotten over wanting to know them, but I can't find the strength to tell them that. Little bit of a conundrum....