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Hi everyone,
I am looking for some advice. I was born with congenital heart disease and have an ongoing heart condition that I will have to manage for the rest of my life. This is the reason I chose not to have biological children as there were risks to my heart health.
My doctor has assured me that I can live a normal life and signed away on my ability to adopt and parent a second child. My heart condition sounds scary and it is of course serious, but it is manageable.
Here's my issue. When we adopted our first daughter we did not have time to develop a relationship with her birthmother. We received the call three hours after she was born, met her birthmother briefly and that was all. She never asked about my heart and I purposely kept my surgery scar hidden so as not to frighten her. She did not want continued contact so we didn't really develop a relationship. As a result, I didn't have the internal struggle I am having now as we try to adopt our second.
A prospective birthmother has chosen us. We have been in touch for a few weeks and she is scheduled for a section within a month. Unlike our first time around, I am developing a relationship with this birthmother. She also does not want continued contact but we are getting to know each other over the phone. Once we receive her proof of pregnancy, we will go meet her in person.
It's not as if we have this deep relationship but something about not sharing my health information feels wrong. I feel that I am deceiving her even though she has never asked. Also, she did see our website and I have pictures where my scar is visible. I do think it is easy not to notice it though.
Am I obligated to tell her? My husband, mother and sisters do not think so. They think since the doctor agrees I am medically able to parent and have a normal lifespan, there is no reason to give her information that she may perceive as much worse than it actually is.
They think someone who doesn't have or know someone who has a condition like mine may not understand it and see it as something very bad, bad enough to walk away from the adoption.
Can I just have some thoughts of yours on this? I don't plan to call her and have a big revelation of the information but should I cover my scar as I did during our first search? Is it her business or not?
Any help would be much appreciated.
Thank you,
Ann
belleinblue1978
If you were in the mother's shoes would you want to know?
I would have wanted to know that before I placed my son for adoption.
Your doctor may have signed off on it, but it is still an issue in your life. If you want all of the mother's health information, it seems to me that you need to be transparent as well.
She says she doesn't want an ongoing relationship now, but that may change. A lie of omission is still a lie.
belleinblue,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Can I ask you another question? If the AP of your kiddo had shared such info, would you still have placed with her? I don't expect you to share intimate information. I'm just trying to get a birthmother's perspective.
Thanks,
Ann
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wannabemom
belleinblue,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Can I ask you another question? If the AP of your kiddo had shared such info, would you still have placed with her? I don't expect you to share intimate information. I'm just trying to get a birthmother's perspective.
Thanks,
Ann
I can only say that depends. I don't know enough about your condition to comment. I would be mad as heck if I chose to continue with contact and found out down the road that you had this condition. To me it borders on coercion. Willfully withholding information just isn't ok.
I will tell you that if more of my son's mom's mental issues would have been disclosed to me, I would not have chosen them. If they had been more honest with me about their own issues, I would not have chosen them. A mother (she isn't a birthmother until after she signs those papers) has every right to make an informed choice. The withholding of this information has also dramatically affected my on going relationship with Kiddo's mom and dad.
Let me frame it this way - if your daughter or son were having to make this sort of decision, would you want them to have this information?
I realize you want to be a mom again. I think that in the adoption realm we have to remember that we are talking about being deemed better than a mother and father, to their own child of birth. I know that isn't a comment anyone likes to read and I know that many adoptive parents would argue that with me, but when a mother is at the agency, that is what we hear. We aren't good enough for our own baby. Those adoptive parents better be a heck of a lot better than me. In my case, that is pretty darn marginal. I was betrayed by a lot of people because information was withheld. Do you want to be that person?
I know more about medical stuff than the average person, both personally, and because I was raised by a doctor...
I'd have to do my own research - but - if I was in the position of placing a child - it probably wouldn't provided you would be expected to live a normal lifespan with minimal restrictions. Remember though, I'm comfortable with medical conditions so I'm biased.
I would though want to know a couple of things and have promises made - perhaps consider being upfront in that area. Any promises of openness or semi-open updates - what would happen if you passed away, i.e. have you a plan and will the guardian and/or if your husband is still alive keep your promises. Would someone let me know?
I do think you need to be honest - she's placing great trust in you by severing her parental rights so you can take them. Perhaps figure out something to allow her to educate herself on your condition - is there a Support and Education site for your specific condition that she could go learn about what it is, what it isn't, the impact, treatment...
It's something really hard even to broach - perhaps start with I was born with X and that is the reason why I never attempted to get pregnant. It sounds scary but the reality is I have to take beta blockers (whatever), and not climb tall mountains, stress of a pregnancy is a no-no, but pretty much anything else is okay...
What I wouldn't do was to tell her just before she signs the papers - make sure she has the time to absorb it...
Kind regards,
Dickons
I think Dickons gave you some really good advice on how to handle this situation. I am an AP and I think honesty is the best policy. I would be really mad if the first motber would withhold such information from me, so I would understand if she got upset if I had a condition like this and I would hide it. In our case, for example we never said that one of us will be a stay at home parent, although we know that this is a disadvantage for us, but we made clear that we have flexible jobs, that we can take some time off and simply work part time after that, that children are coming first and that we have a good nanny lined up once we decide to start working again. We said that in our profile to leave out any doubts. The birthmother of our DS said also in the beginning that she does not want contact, but after birth she changed her mind...(and we were quite happy about it).
I hate to disagree with all the PP (because I am somewhat terrified I am going to have everyone jump down my throat) but I do disagree. Your medical condition does not affect your lifespan. Yes you do receive medical information on the BMom but that is because it is for the child's future. (I.e. all those pesky does anyone in your family have a history of... questions) I have a hard time believing that everyone would/should reveal all their medical information without cause. As for what would happen if something were to happen to you? These questions should have been answered a long time ago as anyone can die young no matter what their medical conditions. Car accidents, fires, falls off ladders, allergic reactions all happen to young people all time.
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In fact, that you know about your medical condition is a check in the right column because you faithfully monitor and make sure you are following DR's advice. Many people have undiagnosed medical issues that are much more likely to cut their lives short.
I didn't share all my medical information with my son's parents. I don't think anyone would expect that. I do think it's important to share anything that is relevant to my life now. For example, I had profound hearing loss as a young child and had surgery to correct the structural issue that caused it. I didn't share that, even though it was a big deal at the time, because it really affects nothing now. I did share being abandoned by my father as well as my "dad" figure dying when I was a teenager and my subsequent struggles. Even though that is not an active iss in my life, it has shaped who I am. It is also something that, if I left it out, I would feel like I was hiding something.
I'm a big believer in transparency. If I had to ask myself whether it was okay to not share something with my son's bparents, I would probably say the answer is no.
My medical, psychological, or other personal information may not affect my son's other family on an ongoing basis, but it could very easily influence who they choose. If I don't share something because I think they won't choose me if I do, that is hiding something I know is probably important to someone, and that is wrong. I was given all sorts of information on my son's bparents, including whether they had ever been arrested. That is not something that will affect his ongoing life, but the agency believed that it was information that might influence a PAP's decision, so we got it. I think it is only fair to give expectant parents the same ability to make an informed decision about what is important to them.
Your gut is telling you it isn't right because in fact it isn't right to withhold this from her, and you know that well, she didn't ask this specifically is deceptive.
As a first mother I'm also offended by the (not from the OP but her entourage) trying to assume what the emom will think, or that she is somehow too stupid to understand this condition or its implications.
Deceit, manipulation and a poor opinion of the first mother's mental capacities are not the way to begin what might become a lifelong relationship.
If I had known about a condition like this would I still have placed? Probably if all other factors were moving that way.
If I found out before TPR that the PAPs were withholding information in order to manipulate me, would I still place with that couple? No way.
You are asking this woman to trust you with her child. That means you need to be trustworthy.
MrsC, your comments are really harsh and I really don't see in the thread above anything about the mental capacities of emoms etc, it is about how comfortable people are with looking at some medical conditions. I am an AP and I can not say that I always understand how life threatening some conditions are, even if I am doing my own research. What wannabemom I think is worried about is that if she says something, then she will not be chosen for a medical condition that is really not a big deal to her, but which might be perceived otherwise it has nothing do with "manipulation" nor with the mental capacities of the first mother.
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I think if everyone were honest that isnt in the medical profession, they could understand where you and your family are coming from; and I dont think it has anything to do with judging competency or assuming "stupidity." With google, even reasearching reputable medical case studies, as a lay person, any health issue can be seen in the extreme. If my child, spouse or parent (or potential adoptive parents, if I put myself in the shoes of an emom interested in adoption) was diagnosed with a heart condition, I would be wanting to know the extremes. I am highly educated, but not in medicine, and anything related to the heart or major organs, even if maintained and fine, is naturally scary for those that dont have personal understanding or a medical background IMO.
I didnt give every detail of my medical history and neither did my child's birthmother (and she answered Bdad's questions too so hardly thorough). I found out more info later, including some serious things to look out for in childhood, just through conversation when baby was born. So to me everyone reveals what they want to reveal to those they choose.
That said, I think Ruth hit the nail on the head! The issues I didnt disclose to bmom were not ongoing health concerns or maintained with medication.
I think you feel a tug at your heart to tell this expectant mother your condition and Dickon's suggestion for wording was really perfect and not-scary. Don't let your intuition be held down by those that are afraid. You two ARE bonding and even though it has been a short time, she seems to be doing her best through conversation to get to know you and make a well thought out decision for her baby, even if she doesnt want to continue contact later.
It sounds to me like you want to tell her and deep down you know that this is information that she should have since it is a maintained ongoing condition. How much more lovely if you know emom chose you as mom with the whole truth! Despite what those around you may say out of fear, I think you can be brave :love:
dpom
MrsC, your comments are really harsh and I really don't see in the thread above anything about the mental capacities of emoms etc, it is about how comfortable people are with looking at some medical conditions. I am an AP and I can not say that I always understand how life threatening some conditions are, even if I am doing my own research. What wannabemom I think is worried about is that if she says something, then she will not be chosen for a medical condition that is really not a big deal to her, but which might be perceived otherwise it has nothing do with "manipulation" nor with the mental capacities of the first mother.
"there is no reason to give her information that she may perceive as much worse than it actually is.
They think someone who doesn't have or know someone who has a condition like mine may not understand it and see it as something very bad, bad enough to walk away from the adoption."
This implies that the mother isn't capable of understanding the real nature of the condition, and that an informed mother might not do what others wantgive them her baby֖if she knows the truth, so withhold the truth from her in order to get what you want.
These are indeed condescending, deceptive and manipulative, and I stand by my response.
It appears though that the OP in her heart knows the right thing to do, and I hope she has the courage to follow her get (also known as a conscience).
AlwaysRoom4More
I hate to disagree with all the PP (because I am somewhat terrified I am going to have everyone jump down my throat) but I do disagree. Your medical condition does not affect your lifespan. Yes you do receive medical information on the BMom but that is because it is for the child's future. (I.e. all those pesky does anyone in your family have a history of... questions) I have a hard time believing that everyone would/should reveal all their medical information without cause. As for what would happen if something were to happen to you? These questions should have been answered a long time ago as anyone can die young no matter what their medical conditions. Car accidents, fires, falls off ladders, allergic reactions all happen to young people all time.
I'm not going to jump down your throat, because you are right, anyone can die young. HOWEVER, if someone has a major medical condition, even if it is being managed, they should be transparent about that.
It is deceptive to withhold a major medical condition if you are fearful that a mother won't place with you because of that.
If it is something like Ruth's ear surgery, she's right, it was major at the time, not really an issue at all now. That sort of thing doesn't need to be disclosed.
It is really disheartening to me to read posts suggesting withholding information because it really does affect choices. Potential adoptive families decide all the time that they can't take a child based on their mother and father's histories and nothing more. A mother and father considering adoption should have the same opportunities with potential adoptive parents.
MrsC
"there is no reason to give her information that she may perceive as much worse than it actually is.
They think someone who doesn't have or know someone who has a condition like mine may not understand it and see it as something very bad, bad enough to walk away from the adoption."
This implies that the mother isn't capable of understanding the real nature of the condition, and that an informed mother might not do what others wantgive them her baby֖if she knows the truth, so withhold the truth from her in order to get what you want.
These are indeed condescending, deceptive and manipulative, and I stand by my response.
It appears though that the OP in her heart knows the right thing to do, and I hope she has the courage to follow her get (also known as a conscience).
Mrs.C...
That was NOT a slam on her mental capabilities. It is the reality when you have a condition that is not something people are familiar with. Mine - first I have to repeat what it is called. Then I have create examples of everyday things to have HOPE of explaining what my condition is. Some conditions people have never heard of but you throw in the word HEART and every person knows you need that to keep on living and it's downright scary - everyone knows someone who dropped dead of a heart attack - they don't know you can be born with a congenital heart disease that may be fixed with surgery and other than a few precautions live a normal life span. Why I suggested a support site for people with the same thing - it takes the scary out of something scares everyone.
BTW: more than ten years later and mom still looks at me with a blank face when I describe what my condition is and does - whether that is self-preservation or just the fact that it is too complex for her to understand without medical training...it doesn't mean she's too stupid to get it..it just is a condition that even doctors know little about...
Kind regards,
Dickons
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You would not believe what I went thru to log in and post here...unbelievable! This might be the last time I try!
Anyway, here are my thoughts:
Have you made a will yet? In your will have you named a guardian for your child(ren) in the event of your untimely death? When looking at your family and friends did you consider their lifestyle, their work, their home, their relationships and their health prior to naming them future guardians of your family?
A woman, even a woman in crisis, thinks about these same things and weighs them while choosing a family. Think about how you would feel if the person you chose to parent your child(ren) in the event of your death had kept something important from you. I wager you'd head straight to your lawyers office to change your will. Of course, if this expectant mother chooses you and later finds out you failed to disclose health information...well, she has no recourse.
You know what the right thing to do is or you wouldn't have asked. Good luck!
I want to thank everyone for the input you have given me. I appreciate all of your points of view and all of your responses made a lot of sense to me.
I can totally understand the argument that it is wrong to keep information from an EM. Of course, that's why I started the post in the first place.
On other hand, I also see the argument that it doesn't affect my ability to care for the baby and will undoubtedly seem much worse to an uninformed person. The fear that this will scare an EM away is real and I think warranted.
That being said, I understand the point that that isn't a reason to not share. As you can see, I am still conflicted.
As it turns out, though, this prospective BM has pulled away before I even got the chance to share the info. I am pretty sure our communication has ended for good. :(
However, as I move forward, I will keep all of your ideas in mind and figure out the best way to handle this.
Thank you again.