I wish more people believed this .....

Lately I've found myself surrounded by lovely young females in their 30's trying to sort mom/baby things out for themselves.... all from each far end of the spectrum (if there is such a thing). Got one that can't be near a baby or pregnant woman with out contemplating suicide. Another who can't be near either because she's certain it's contagious. Just anything. None of it is as simple as so many would like it to be. Just adopt. Just have a baby. Just do IVF. Just enjoy life. Just accept. Just forget. Just move on. Just do something else. No matter your role or choice or what is what is... None of it is simple to the individual trying to deal with it. All I know is - it's been wise of me to become a wrench collector. I confess I've been given more than my share of wrenches, all sorts of them. They really are quite handy tho - you'd be amazed what you can do with a wrench. Getting handed a wrench is not a bad thing. Just gotta learn how to use them.:eyebrows:

now that is a shocker! this site allowed me to post! I feel like I should get a prize.

I think it was really brave of these people to talk about how adoption just isn't for them. Adoption is great for some and not right for others. We talk so much about how it is people's "right" to build their family through adoption, well it is their "right" to choose otherwise as well.

So this is my worst fear. We did not want biological children. We felt that we would have no issue bonding with foster or adoptive children, and we were right. We have three kids, a sibling group, whose adoption was just finalized after fostering them for 3.5 years. We love them, we're pretty sure they love us. But what I've read since then from adult adoptees has been ambivalent at best and really negative at worst. These kids needed a safe home. Their bio family was not safe for them. We didn't do this because of some kind of savior complex, and I thought that we went into it with our eyes open, but the more I learn the more I feel like we are just part of the problem. We have kept an open line of communication with the bio family, and they have each other, so that helps. But I worry that we've set them up for a whole host of issues. Most of what I can find online is written by adults who were adopted as infants. I can find very little from adults who were fostered, and what I find is from adults who aged out of the system and desperately wanted a "forever family." I guess what I'm trying to say in this rambling, navel gazing post is, does anyone have any tips for what we can do for these kids who we love so much, to help offset the crap hand they've been dealt?

Be willing to listen to them if they want to talk about their feelings about adoption. If they don't bring it up, make sure you bring up the topic occasionally. You want them to know that they can talk about it. I think one of the difficult things about being adopted is that society (and sometimes adoptive family) expect us to be grateful for being taken into a family. Don't expect gratitude beyond what you would expect from a biological child. So, listen to your children, and let them know that you're willing to hear them. The need to be seen as a savior can be a problem, but it doesn't sound as though it is applicable to you. Keep the lines of communication open with the biological family. Adoption isn't without loss. But, sometimes, especially if the safety of the children is a factor, it may be necessary. Adoption is about finding homes for children who need them. It isn't about finding children for parents who want them. It sounds like you fall under the first category. Adoption is not a perfect solution. But, the children needed a safe, stable home. Keep loving them. Keep the lines of communication open with the first parents. And, be willing to listen.

I grew up in foster and aged out, But I never wanted to be adopted and I'm glad I wasn't. I also didn't have the most loving foster parents either. Also I always felt my parents shouldn't have lost me to foster care. Since they lost me because a friend lied. Because she was trying to get me to live with her. But she was crazy and abusive to her own kids. So CPS said no. But the damage was done.

AlmostOver, Adoptees on this board have answered questions like you have asked, so many times - I've lost count, seriously. We answer in hopes of AP's being able to see the contradictions in what is expected, what is the reality, what it feels like, what is needed - all in hope that the current generation of AP's will get it. The link below is the most recent, if you want to see other threads, just ask. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/adoptee-support/431284-negative-feelings-about-adoption-please-help-me-understand.html[/url] Kind regards, Dickons

I started reading the article but got bored :arrow: the article was where i was 20 years ago no kids without IVF? check tired of people saying "just adopt"? check unable to even begin to afford adoption? check moved on with our life? check foster care.. being certain that i'd never be accepted due to whatever.. having big dogs, being fat, having 2 working parents, etc, etc, etc? check I don't think this is THAT unusual. there are thousands of people who move on and have simply fabulous lives without kids 20 years of an amazing life, a family member I'd never met was in foster care. it took that sweet, shy little face for me to see if i could make something work Long story short, in our case, it did work out. Had I not met J, I'd still be a perfectly happy, childless adult

Well, I'm sorry the article bored you. As an adoptee, I was pleased to see people thinking beyond the idea that adoption is THE solution to whatever ails them. Hopefully people who are where you were 20 years ago will be inspired to more consciously consider their choices. .

wcurry, I actually found it refreshing to hear others talk about choosing to be child free. I get flak for it all the time. Just try fertility treatments, just adopt, just have relations on the third Thursday of the month during a full moon. I'm tired of my mother in law saying OMG you're pregnant! every time a sentence starts with Belle is... usually something with my career, which happens to be important to me. I will admit that I live in a rather backwards part of the country, but I'm questioned all the time about my woman hood because I'm ok with no kids. For some of us this article was great in a lot of ways, sorry you found it to be boring. I'm always pleased when people who choose not to have children speak about how they can be happy without them, it is a validating thing for me as an adoptee, a mother, and a woman who suffers from secondary infertility.

I'm glad this article worked for some people. And I apologize if my last post seemed rude What triggered me was not the article, per se. It was this post. The subject line ("i wish more people...") For me.. and it can totally be my trigger, the suggestion that MOST (if not all) infertile people live in anguish until settling for an adopted kid, is equally offensive as people implying that people who were adopted as children are all bitter and incomplete

Out of all the truly offensive threads on this site, THIS subject line triggered you? :confused: There was absolutely NO suggestion that "most" infertile people live in anguish. All the title says (and I know, because I wrote it), is that I wish more people (and that includes people who AREN'T infertile) were open to the idea that (adoptive) parenthood isn't a requirement for a happy, fulfilled, life. That's it. .

I think it's sad some of them choose not to adopt because they didn't have enough money to adopt. So some had to settle. Some were worried about the bonding part, the unknown to weather or not, their adopted children would have problems later because they were adopted. A lot of parents worry about these things, And most people ends up find. I just feel bad for them. For having to go through the fertility problems, their fears of adopting. One family is a guardian to kids. so that's good. Even children, that stay with their parents have issues, when it comes to bonding as stuff. So A lot of worrying for things that might or might not happen. The important part is they are fine. I think the sad thing is some people adopt to please someone else, not themselves. So we have children wanted by one parent and not the other. Or neither parent wants the child, but adopted , because family members were pressuring them to do it. Or other reasons. But most people worry about the same thing before they adopt. So these issues didn't surprise me.

That's the sad part, they would probably been accepted. They may have been better parents that some foster parents.

I really enjoyed the article. I think a lot of couples do feel this way (at least many that I've gotten to know through our stent with treatment). I know for years my husband and I were married without kids and had so much fun. I wasn't obsessed with being a Mom nor he a Dad. If it happened fine if it didn't fine. I didn't come to terms with that right away but I was happy with my childless life. Yes it occasionally reared it's head when I saw a cute kiddo but after a while it was such a fleeting feeling that I barely noticed. We traveled, we road tripped, we enjoyed our marriage. Our kids found us we didn't seek them out but I wouldn't change either path I took. I think more couples probably do feel this way, more than you realize. I respect all paths as long as they're done with the right mindset. If you don't want kids because you can't or just plain out don't want to, there's nothing wrong with that and you certainly can be happy without them. If you choose to adopt and go in to it with the proper attitude and a willingness to put every part of yourself on the back burner to get educated, open and to help the child fully know itself wholly then I have no problem with that either (given that there's an actual need for the child to be adopted).