Angry adoptive brother

I am an adult adoptee, aged 55, who found my birth family 5 years ago, unfortunately too late for a reunion with my b-mom, who died many years before. However, I have developed a relationship with two siblings, an uncle and many cousins, and my life has been very enriched by these connections. My a-parents are very supportive, but my a-brother, who was also adopted and has never looked for his birth family, has been very upset by the whole thing, often yelling at me about not caring about him. and accusing me of "stabbing Mommy and Daddy in the heart" by welcoming my birth family into my life. Has anyone else had to deal with something like this? Curious to know how you dealt with it. Thanks in advance for any insight.

Hi Marnay, I'm so glad for your reunion, and sad that this situation with your brother has put a bit of a damper on it. The desire to know more about one's roots comes at different times for different people, and though he may not need to know at this time, he may one day. I would let him know that no one in your family has been replaced, but that your family has been extended. I would express love for him and your A-parents. You may have already done this, if he doesn't respond to it, you could have a conversation with your A-parents and ask them to help your brother understand because you don't want it to get between you and him. I hope that this helps, or he gains an understanding soon. If he doesn't, just keep reaching out to him and show him you care about him and that's all you really can do. All the best! -Spud :Chewie:

I think Spud has given some good advice. However, I think there is something else going on. In regards to this paragraph: My a-parents are very supportive, but my a-brother, who was also adopted and has never looked for his birth family, has been very upset by the whole thing, often yelling at me about not caring about him. and accusing me of "stabbing Mommy and Daddy in the heart" by welcoming my birth family into my life. It is interesting that your abrother still considers you to be betraying your aparents despite the fact that they have made it clear that they are supportive. One wonders whether one of the main reasons he has never looked for his birthfamily is because he has felt it would upset your aparents and be betraying them and thus when they did show their support for your reunion, it showed that his beliefs were not necessarily true and he may be angry at you for showing him the truth. IRL I know at least one adoptee who didn't want to search because they felt it would be a betrayal to their aparents and I did wonder whether his aparents actually realised that. Sometimes many supportive aparents aren't aware that their child feels that way which is why I feel it is important for aparents to let their children know that they are fine with whatever the child wants to do. Even if the adoptee has no interest whatsoever in searching, just knowing that their aparents are fine with whatever choice they want to make can make them feel more secure - it is about trust - it is saying "our relationship stands on its own two feet". I hope that makes sense.

Thanks for the support. I think it's very important for a-parents to express their support for a search. Unfortunately, mine didn't until after I began to search, when they told me that they would have always helped me but didn't know I was interested. Wish I had known that sooner! However, they are in their late 80s now, and less "with it" than 5 years ago. Not sure if they could have that conversation with my a-brother at this point. And he's angry with me about the dispensation of their home (which they no longer live in because they have moved to assisted living), as we have very different ideas on the subject. So I don't think my reassuring him that one thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other would even get through. Maybe once this house issue is resolved...