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Tomorrow my husband & I are going in to our agency for our annual update. It'll soon be 2 years since we were approved to adopt. (The average wait time with our agency is 2 years, so nothing abnormal yet in the length of time we've waited.) However, what we've decided to do tomorrow once we've updated, is to put the adoption process on hold. We have a few reasons for doing this. The main reason is my health is not 100%, so although my doctors and our agency have no problems with me parenting, I am a little uncomfortable with it. My husband is quite uncomfortable with it. In fact, I think he might be okay with us not adopting ever if I was okay with it. (Of course, he has never been as excited about us having children anyway; I think it is a male/female difference.) Anyway, we're going on a much-needed vacation for a big chunk of May, and as soon as we come back, I am going up on my medication. Our hopes are that my health will improve and thus both of us will feel better about me being a parent. But during the time we are on vacation and during the time my body adjusts to the increased medication we have agreed to have our adoption on hold. Also we will wait to see if the medication increase helps. Only after that will we consider going active again. We're looking at a few months time. So I state these things rather factually here, but the truth is I don't know how I feel. Part of me thinks it is ludicrous to desire a family for 7 1/2 years, and then after being approved to adopt for the last 2 of those years, to put everything on hold. (Unlike some couples, there is zero chance of me conceiving. It's adoption or nothing.) It seems crazy to stop all our chances, even temporarily, after all the work, money, and emotion that went into getting approved. Another part of me doesn't care overly much. And it seems insane to write that, too. Because not that long ago there was nothing more that I wanted than to be a mom; to hold my baby in my arms. I have desperately wanted that for many years. You all know what I'm talking about! The agony, the sweet dreams, the wishing, hoping, and praying. But I'm not sure what happened. On one hand, I'm wondering if I'm not meant to be a mom. If God has something else planned for my life. On the other hand, I'm wondering if I just quit feeling. There's been a lot of stress, a lot of huge decision-making, a lot of praying, a lot of fears. And I wonder if I still want to be a mom, but I can't feel it anymore. I don't really feel excited or joyful anymore about adopting, and that makes me really sad. It used to be my life! But I realized God didn't want me to obsess about it, or anything for that matter. And now I don't know what I'm supposed to do, at all! I also lost the (emotional) support of some people who used to support us adopting, and that's been painful and confusing. Also, others have just seemed to quit being interested, which I guess after 2 years of waiting, is to be expected. Have any of you ever reached the point where you actually considered abandoning the wait? I can't believe I could ever consider being a childless couple for the rest of our lives, so it feels surreal to even ask that question. But I appreciate any answers, encouragement, or questions. Thank you!
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I can not say that we are in the same situation, since we don't have health issues and we already have one child (adopted two years ago), BUT....the first adoption went really quickly (5 months waiting) and we had this feeling that it is just a matter of time until it will happen for us. Now we are waiting for our second match for almost a year and things look very differently this time (with the same agency). We started to indeed wonder for how long are we going to wait until we are going to say: enough of waiting, we want to stop our second adoption and just enjoy our only DS. I think the more you wait the less you feel that it is going to happen and the less excited you become....until you have the baby in your arms. For now we decided to continue (we were actually told that it can take 1-3 years, so the first time around it was just incredible luck!) waiting at least until the end of the year and then we will take things one step at a time. Good luck with your decision and indeed....as DMO said, health comes first!
In a word: yes. From start to finish, the journey to becoming parents took us just over ten years. There was definitely a point when I just became numb, and thought that maybe I was clinging to an old dream and that I would get a baby and discover it was something I didn't even want any more. I also thought that maybe the long struggle was some kind of sign that I had a good thing going with my marriage and introducing a child into the picture might totally mess it up. Then our son was born and our lives were joyfully transformed. We would each tell you that our son is the best thing that ever happened to either of us. It turned out it wasn't an old dream at all. It was just that I'd gotten so beaten down from hoping and waiting and second-guessing myself that I was not able to access my real feelings any more (or dare to hope). So, give yourself a break, and focus on your health, but don't read too much into your thoughts at this point, because your emotions take such a beating through this process that it's natural to get a little punch-drunk. I hope everything works out for you.
In a word: yes. From start to finish, the journey to becoming parents took us just over ten years. There was definitely a point when I just became numb, and thought that maybe I was clinging to an old dream and that I would get a baby and discover it was something I didn't even want any more. I also thought that maybe the long struggle was some kind of sign that I had a good thing going with my marriage and introducing a child into the picture might totally mess it up. Then our son was born and our lives were joyfully transformed. We would each tell you that our son is the best thing that ever happened to either of us. It turned out it wasn't an old dream at all. It was just that I'd gotten so beaten down from hoping and waiting and second-guessing myself that I was not able to access my real feelings any more (or dare to hope). So, give yourself a break, and focus on your health, but don't read too much into your thoughts at this point, because your emotions take such a beating through this process that it's natural to get a little punch-drunk. I hope everything works out for you.
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The health issues, not knowing details, play a role that I cant address. Take care of yourself. Get in a place where you are strong and capable of mothering. This break doesnt mean that it wont happen. I do know that I had resigned myself to never being blessed with children. Ambivalence is a protective barrier. So I get what you mean about "not caring" but deep down, I always knew that its what I wanted more than anything. When asked to adopt, my heart leaped for joy and I knew that I had never lost my desire to be a mommy. As for my mind...I cautiously stepped out of ambivalence and embraced the joy and fulfilled longing of being a mom when birthmom made her decision.