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Okay so let me get the rant part over first. I am getting so frustrated with child services and with what I feel is a lack of help. We keep getting told that we are doing "fantastic" and we make their lives easier because they don't have to worry about us. The problem with that is it almost seems like they have forgotten about us. This is our first placement, Lenny and Squiggy have a lot of issues that were unknown at the time. When we call, email or text it is usually days (if at all) before we receive any response. Yesterday I had finally had enough so I sent a scathing email to every name I could remember at the office. Apparently that is the only way to get any type of response, which came about 5 minutes after the email was sent. I feel like because we are handling things well that we aren't a priority anymore, like we are on our own. Maybe this is very common but I just wanted to vent about it a bit.
My question: Lenny the other sibling is starting to become very aggressive towards Squiggy. So far the only thing that has prevented Squiggy from getting hurt is our intervention and the fact that of the two he is the strongest. We aren't sure if Lenny is doing this because he is just angry about their current situation or because Squiggy is very happy in our home. Squiggy has thrived with a more structured household and we have seen nothing but positive changes from him. Lenny on the other hand is going the opposite direction. His behavior has gotten worse, his aggression and destructiveness as well. He seems to just want to make everyone miserable. He is mean to his little brother and has even started being mean towards our animals although not as severely. This is why I sent the scathing email to child services, we weren't getting any help with this. We have been saying since the first week that these boys both needed constant therapy. Finally after telling them that if something wasn't done Lenny would either seriously hurt his brother or one of our animals, we got a response. The boys start therapy on Tuesday and both will have mental evaluations. Has anyone else had this issue with siblings, where one all of a sudden turns violent and mean towards the other?
A cry for help. This is about Squiqqy, he is having night terrors on a fairly frequent basis. We have noticed they have increased since Lenny has become more aggressive towards him. The other concern is the change in the night terrors. Before he would usually just sit up in bed crying, we would go in and comfort him then it was back to bed. Now suddenly he is running out of his room towards our room with all of his bedding in his arms or crying out, "I won't do it". These are both new behaviors and they have us concerned. He is also having more than one a night sometimes, which he never did before either. We will be installing monitors to make sure some of this isn't Lenny hurting him at night but I really don't think that's what it is. He doesn't remember them in the morning and he usually says he had good dreams. It just breaks my hurt and worries me every time he has one. Does anyone have any experience with night terrors?
Thanks for any help you can give me with any of these.
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My 4yr old fd has night terrors. She tends to either wake up crying, or wake up, get up and go hide, then go back to sleep. So I think the fact that squiggy is running towards you is a good thing. She'll sometimes wake up saying "No, stop don't" and she's not very verbal so it's significant. This happened way before she was sharing her room with anyone.
Therapy should help, mine is only four and developmentally delayed so I was very skeptical that anything would come of it. But while I can't point to anything that's changed... she is talking about her past with the therapist. Which is impressive.
1. Unfortunately, caseworkers do not always tell families about physical or sexual abuse that has gone on, either in a child's birth family or in a previous foster or adoptive home. Sometimes, to be honest, THEY do not know about it, but sometimes, alas, the information is simply not disclosed, though it is known. And children who have been abused are more likely to abuse others, usually children perceived as weaker and small animals.. A child who is hurting his/her sibling and family pets is all too often a child who has been abused, and many abused children require a great deal of therapy before they can live safely in a family. The fact that one child is abusive while one is not may reflect the fact that one child is more resilient than the other, or that one child was abused while the other was not, or that the children were in separate homes for a while, and one of the homes was where mistreatment occurred.
2. Violent behavior can also be a sign of a fairly severe attachment disorder. Attachment disorders often occur when a child has come to believe that adults are not to be trusted. This belief may arise because of abuse or neglect, or it may arise because a child has had multiple placements and feels that adults claim they want to be his/her parents and then do not provide the permanence he/she needs. Again, even among twins, one child may be more resilient than the other and less affected by these negative life events. Not all children with attachment disorders are violent, but many are because they fail to develop a conscience and cannot feel remorse if they hurt someone. They may also be manipulative, treat strangers better than parents, lie outrageously, and so on.
3. Regardless of the cause of your child's behavior, something needs to be done to prevent the sibling from being hurt.. Visits with a good child psychiatrist or other therapist, familiar with the special concerns of adopted and foster children,. are a good start. While intensive therapy may be part of the answer, do recognize that the children may sometimes need to be placed separately, even though they are siblings, for their own safety. You may be able to keep "Squiggy", while "Lenny" may need to be placed with a therapeutic foster family that can keep him from hurting himself or others through intensive supervision, a highly structured environment, and so on. In the most extreme cases, even therapeutic foster care won't be effective, and a severely disordered child may need placement in a long-term, secure residential treatment facility.
4. Before your first appointment with a therapist, insist that the caseworker give you access to every scrap of medical/psychological/social information about the two children that the agency has.. You may also want to try to contact any previous foster home, to see if that family saw the sorts of behaviors your child is exhibiting. While "Lenny"may just be testing you to see if this foster home will be permanent or whether his behavior will drive you away, you may discover that he has demonstrated disturbing behaviors previously, or that there are things about his birth family or previous foster or adoptive family situations that you didn't realize.
5. As to night terrors, they are very different from nightmares, and are generally not a sign of stress unless they persist beyond age six, according to most doctors. Unlike nightmares, which often reflect a child's emotional status or reaction to disturbing stimuli such as a scary TV show or a man in a grizzly bear costume or parents arguing or talk of losing a favorite babysitter, night terrors are simply a failure to transition smoothly from one stage of sleep to another. They are believed to be genetic and closely related to sleepwalking.
6. With a nightmare, the child may appear to be sleeping peacefully, even when he/she is having a scary dream. It is only when he/she wakes up and remembers the dream that he cries out. He/she usually remembers the dream, and may be afraid to return to sleep for fear that the scary images will recur. He/she will want to be comforted and, if verbal, will want to talk about the dream so that he can be convinced that the scary dream isn't real. With night terrors, however, the situation is vastly different. You can tell that a child is having a night terror because he/she is likely to get sweaty, moan and groan, cry out, contort his/her facial features, etc. -- yet remain sound asleep. If a parent goes to him/her and attempts to comfort him/her, the child is likely to push the parent away, not recognizing him/her and assuming that he/she is just another monster in the dream. If the parent tries to offer a sippy cup of water, the child may actually drink it, while remaining asleep and unaware of his/her actions. Some children may actually open their eyes, but they are not awake. If the parent tries to awaken the child by picking him/her up, the child may arch his/her back and try to return to his/her bed or crib. Trying to awaken the child or to stop the night terror will only prolong it; in general, the parent can go to the child, determine that he/she is not in any danger, and then sit quietly nearby until the night terror passes -- or even go back to bed. The child will soon fall back into a normal sleep pattern, will not remember the dream the next day, and will get upset if you tell him/her about it because he/she won't remember having any bad dream.
7. The best way to prevent nightmares is to avoid exposing the child to intense images or discussion of worrisome subject matter near bedtime. TV and DVDs may have to be turned off starting at dinnertime. Quiet, relaxing activities like a warm bath and a pleasant bedtime story will be helpful. On the other hand, since night terrors before age six are not generally stress related, and night terrors are disorders of the sleep cycle, the best way to prevent them is to keep the child on a fairly rigid bedtime and naptime schedule. You will find that , in children susceptible to night terrors, you will have more frequent and more intense episodes when the family's normal schedule is disrupted -- for example, while on vacation, when bedtimes are more relaxed and naps may be missed because of travel schedules. Some parents believe that they can prevent a night terror by waking their child shortly before the time when one normally occurs, so that the child never encounters the transition that causes the problem.
I hope this is helpful.
Sharon
1. Unfortunately, caseworkers do not always tell families about physical or sexual abuse that has gone on, either in a child's birth family or in a previous foster or adoptive home. Sometimes, to be honest, THEY do not know about it, but sometimes, alas, the information is simply not disclosed, though it is known. And children who have been abused are more likely to abuse others, usually children perceived as weaker and small animals.. A child who is hurting his/her sibling and family pets is all too often a child who has been abused, and many abused children require a great deal of therapy before they can live safely in a family. The fact that one child is abusive while one is not may reflect the fact that one child is more resilient than the other, or that one child was abused while the other was not, or that the children were in separate homes for a while, and one of the homes was where mistreatment occurred.
2. Violent behavior can also be a sign of a fairly severe attachment disorder. Attachment disorders often occur when a child has come to believe that adults are not to be trusted. This belief may arise because of abuse or neglect, or it may arise because a child has had multiple placements and feels that adults claim they want to be his/her parents and then do not provide the permanence he/she needs. Again, even among twins, one child may be more resilient than the other and less affected by these negative life events. Not all children with attachment disorders are violent, but many are because they fail to develop a conscience and cannot feel remorse if they hurt someone. They may also be manipulative, treat strangers better than parents, lie outrageously, and so on.
3. Regardless of the cause of your child's behavior, something needs to be done to prevent the sibling from being hurt.. Visits with a good child psychiatrist or other therapist, familiar with the special concerns of adopted and foster children,. are a good start. While intensive therapy may be part of the answer, do recognize that the children may sometimes need to be placed separately, even though they are siblings, for their own safety. You may be able to keep "Squiggy", while "Lenny" may need to be placed with a therapeutic foster family that can keep him from hurting himself or others through intensive supervision, a highly structured environment, and so on. In the most extreme cases, even therapeutic foster care won't be effective, and a severely disordered child may need placement in a long-term, secure residential treatment facility.
4. Before your first appointment with a therapist, insist that the caseworker give you access to every scrap of medical/psychological/social information about the two children that the agency has.. You may also want to try to contact any previous foster home, to see if that family saw the sorts of behaviors your child is exhibiting. While "Lenny"may just be testing you to see if this foster home will be permanent or whether his behavior will drive you away, you may discover that he has demonstrated disturbing behaviors previously, or that there are things about his birth family or previous foster or adoptive family situations that you didn't realize.
5. As to night terrors, they are very different from nightmares, and are generally not a sign of stress unless they persist beyond age six, according to most doctors. Unlike nightmares, which often reflect a child's emotional status or reaction to disturbing stimuli such as a scary TV show or a man in a grizzly bear costume or parents arguing or talk of losing a favorite babysitter, night terrors are simply a failure to transition smoothly from one stage of sleep to another. They are believed to be genetic and closely related to sleepwalking.
6. With a nightmare, the child may appear to be sleeping peacefully, even when he/she is having a scary dream. It is only when he/she wakes up and remembers the dream that he cries out. He/she usually remembers the dream, and may be afraid to return to sleep for fear that the scary images will recur. He/she will want to be comforted and, if verbal, will want to talk about the dream so that he can be convinced that the scary dream isn't real. With night terrors, however, the situation is vastly different. You can tell that a child is having a night terror because he/she is likely to get sweaty, moan and groan, cry out, contort his/her facial features, etc. -- yet remain sound asleep. If a parent goes to him/her and attempts to comfort him/her, the child is likely to push the parent away, not recognizing him/her and assuming that he/she is just another monster in the dream. If the parent tries to offer a sippy cup of water, the child may actually drink it, while remaining asleep and unaware of his/her actions. Some children may actually open their eyes, but they are not awake. If the parent tries to awaken the child by picking him/her up, the child may arch his/her back and try to return to his/her bed or crib. Trying to awaken the child or to stop the night terror will only prolong it; in general, the parent can go to the child, determine that he/she is not in any danger, and then sit quietly nearby until the night terror passes -- or even go back to bed. The child will soon fall back into a normal sleep pattern, will not remember the dream the next day, and will get upset if you tell him/her about it because he/she won't remember having any bad dream.
7. The best way to prevent nightmares is to avoid exposing the child to intense images or discussion of worrisome subject matter near bedtime. TV and DVDs may have to be turned off starting at dinnertime. Quiet, relaxing activities like a warm bath and a pleasant bedtime story will be helpful. On the other hand, since night terrors before age six are not generally stress related, and night terrors are disorders of the sleep cycle, the best way to prevent them is to keep the child on a fairly rigid bedtime and naptime schedule. You will find that , in children susceptible to night terrors, you will have more frequent and more intense episodes when the family's normal schedule is disrupted -- for example, while on vacation, when bedtimes are more relaxed and naps may be missed because of travel schedules. Some parents believe that they can prevent a night terror by waking their child shortly before the time when one normally occurs, so that the child never encounters the transition that causes the problem.
I hope this is helpful.
Sharon
Hyenas,
I am glad to hear that that your FD is getting results through therapy. Lenny and Squiggy have been in therapy now for several weeks with mixed results. Lenny refuses to discuss or talk about anything so he is making it difficult. Squiggy on the other hand has really come into his on, in large part with help from his therapist, now he only goes once every other week.
Sharon,
Thank you for your amazing and informative post, I will respond to each of your points in turn.
1. I believe it's a combination of the worker not knowing about the issues and also being severely overworked. I believe our worker now has around 35 cases in total.
2. "Not all children with attachment disorders are violent, but many are because they fail to develop a conscience and cannot feel remorse if they hurt someone. They may also be manipulative, treat strangers better than parents, lie outrageously, and so on." You could not have described Lenny any better then what you wrote here. Everyone of those adjectives apply to him.
3. We are working on having Lenny moved to another home, we have advised that it be a home where he is the only child. Lenny's behavior has increasingly gotten worse, especially since our BS, who is older, arrived. Lenny wants to be treated as the oldest in the house, even though our BS is twice his age.
4. I believe this behavior was happening prior to the boys being in care, I have a feeling he was hurting Squiggy intentionally even with his biological mom.
5. Squiggy's night terrors have decreased dramatically. He has told us that he loves living with us because he feels safe, I believe that him feeling that way has helped with the night terrors. I know they may never go away completely but I do hope being in a safe, positive environment helps minimize them.
6 & 7. These are night terrors and not nightmares, whether that is fortunate or not we don't yet know.
At this point the case plan has been changed from reunification to adoption. We have made it clear that we would gladly adopt Squiggy but at this time are unsure about Lenny. We truly believe that Lenny needs a home for himself and will benefit the most from a different placement. I am not an advocate for separating siblings but in this case I do believe it's in the best interest of both boys. For now we will continue to do the best we can for both boys and help them in any way we can. I admit it's tough sometimes, especially when Lenny is telling us how much he hates us, our home and everything in it. Since this has become an almost hourly thing it's lost some of the sting. The difficulty now is that we have two boys that have responded in completely different ways, one has thrived while the other continues to regress. Lenny has also destroyed any chance of a relationship with our BS, his behavior at one point was so bad our BS asked us to call and have Lenny removed immediately. We worked through that and things have quieted a bit but any relationship between Lenny and our BS will be slow and far in the future. Thanks to both of you for responding, I really appreciate the advice.