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I have adopted 2 young girls, currently 10 and 6. I have had them both for almost 6 yrs, adoptions finalized last year. They were removed for neglect and abuse, and bio mom is an addict. We have continued to keep in touch with the birth mother (visiting at least once a month), and frankly I want out. But I also want what's best for my children.
They say they want to see her, but usually only after a "phone call". If we don't hear from her, they don't ask to see her. If we don't initiate contact first, weeks will go by that we don't hear from her. Of course, if we've been seeing her regulary for a while, the girls want to know why she's not calling them or asking to see them. Eventually they stop asking. When she finally remembers they exist and calls and asks to see them, the cycle starts all over again.
Recently I found out she had been taking photos of them I was unaware of, and posting them all over her Facebook (which I had SPECIFICALLY asked her NOT to do) about how much she loved her daughters and what a happy family they were together. When I told her to remove them, she ignored me, and blocked me from her profile. I had to have Facebook remove them. We hadn't heard from her for almost 2 months. I almost felt a sense of relief she was gone, and other than mentioning her name on occasion, they never asked to see her or talk to her.
Last night, she wanted to talk to them. Right away it was "I miss you, I'm so sorry I haven't called you. My phone was stolen, I lost your number, yada yada yada. Ask your "other mom" when I get to see you again. Are you so excited to I'm giving you a new baby sister? Your baby brother misses you" I'm so fed up with the lies and the drama. To my face she's sweet as pie, and behind my back she's vicious. I feel like I constantly have to watch her because I can't trust her to be alone with them for fear of what she's going to do/say to them. I hate this feeling. It also bothers me that my oldest can't see my family as her family. We're not her family, we just adopted her. Her birth family is her family. Which is odd, considering she has never actually lived with them. She was taken in by an aunt (who passed away which is why I have her) as an infant and grew up with her family. I can't help but feel if they just went away, we would be able to move forward and this disconnect would go away.
On the other hand, I dont' want them to resent me for taking them away. I don't want them to grow up without their "history". But I'm sick and tired of having to put on a happy face and be gracious and sociable with a a family I neither like, trust nor respect. Help!!
Wow, you've got a lot going on here. Well I think you'd need to break this down in to parts. You don't have a simple answer here, you'll never be able to erase their "history". It's not "history", it's their life and its probably best thought of that way. You can ask yourself a few questions to get you started on the path to accepting things or change things that need changed or moving on.
Is 1st Mom safe for them to be in contact with now: "In other words is there any compelling reason 1st Mom can't be in contact with them?" IE is she coming to visits under the influence, are there inappropriate behaviors, mentioning siblings isn't inappropriate in my mind, as they are your children's siblings that can't be "undone". Its great that your children know they exist and that there wont be any surprise siblings that come out of the wood work down the road. My best friend was adopted and ended up with 8 siblings she never knew about. It was beyond hard on her. Seeing the ramifications of having your "history" erased certainly made me see my adoptions from a different perspective.
- If mom is safe and not coming to visits or calls high etc. Then I'd have a conversation with Mom about your feelings. Your daughters are old enough to know and remember (at least your oldest) their old lives. regardless of how inappropriate it may have been it was/is theirs.
Photos: I struggled with this one at times too. However; I've moved beyond it as long as the pics are appropriate I don't care that they share them. They are their children, mine too but also theirs. To them regardless of where the child(ren) lives they'll always be their baby and honestly they're right.
- I had to do a lot of self examination with this issue because it raised every protective mommy instinct in me (was my thought) actually it was more possession on my end and honestly that's not healthy for anyone. You have to look at this one pretty hard and honestly. Ask yourself why it bothers you. My answer was she's mine and I don't want him pretending. It was one of my many ah ha moments in my adoption. I could care less now haw many pics are posted (again as long as they're appropriate, I share so much more now). Our relationship has changed for the better because I share more and let go of the possession (that was my issue perhaps not yours).
Lies & Drama: I have two daughters and two very different open adoptions. In the beginning I'll say this, a lot of the things that "offended" me so badly came from a place of insecurity on my part. It bothered me that this other person has a relationship with my child that I can never have. But I've also got a relationship with my child that they can never have. So in the end it works out and I had to let go of a lot of my own issues and insecurities, issues I didn't know I even had. However; that being said one of my children's families is much much much more difficult to work with. Children removed for the same things you have listed. But we still find a balance. We don't see each other once a month, we have occasional visits and I've offered texts or pics anytime. However this family doesn't get facebook relationships etc. The 1st parents are a hot mess (similar situation to yours) but she loves our shared kiddo and I encourage visits, she's never on her own tried to see TT, I'm always the one encouraging it. But that's my job. Bugs mom is watching her today. So two completely different relationships but I keep that connection with both.
I know the difficult time you're going through right now, I've certainly been there. Try to break each "issue" you have down. Really examine the issue and your feelings and then have an open honest conversation with their 1st Mom and see what you can do together. I understand that you feel as if your oldest doesn't view your family as 'her family" I bet she does more than you realize. She's a pre-teen, that isn't fun especially when you've lead the life she lead early on and being adopted on top of that. Plus she does have two, no matter how much we wish they didn't have to live that original trauma it's there. Best we talk about it, do what we can and be open to it. Talk to your daughter. Tell her that you understand how torn she must feel between two families but she doesn't have to choose. You are both her family, you all love her and care about her.
I'm sorry your going through such a tough time and I'm here if you need to talk. I wish you the best and I hope it turns around for you. But I'm not sure walking away from 1st Mom will get you the results you're looking for. I actually think it will do the opposite.
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I think your instincts are healthy and normal. Complacent parenting under the excuse of being afraid of being possessive isn't helpful at all. Kids can "love" tons of mothers, but while growing up, its their instinct and need to have one.
I certainly wouldn't bad-mouth the biological family AT ALL in front of the kids, but solid stability is something they need from a parent figure.
I have older child adoption experience also, and even our counselor said there comes a time to stop being weak-willed regarding the past family and save the energy to focus on the new one. It's almost as though you're expected to parent the birthmother as well. Thank god for the aunt who took your daughter in. She can and should be grieved and honored within your new family. Maybe a loving photo of her to be kept in a place of honor.
Keep making memories with them and don't afraid to be firm with them when you need to. If the confusion gets to be too much, put your foot down. You don't have to wait until she feeds illegal drugs to your daughters to make a decision to cut her out or at least restrict her. Honor the loving and supportive birth family members, such as the aunt, of both your kids in conversation and occasionally in interaction, but you are in charge. They want you to be in charge. When we finally refused to allow birth relations to bring their drugs and irresponsibility into our home, we later told our reasons to our now grown child and she completely understood.