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I am posting this here and seeking advice as I am sure that there are people here who are more experienced than I in dealing with children in trouble. I am seeking advice on whether or not to act; as it seems, if I don't act, harm could come because of my inaction; but if I do act, harm could come because of my action. I am considering contacting authorities for a wellness check on a family.
There are four children who have touched my life whom I am very concerned about and I don't know what to do. I don't know which is the "right" thing to do. They are siblings. We'll call them Fourteen, Twelve, Eight and Seven.
I encountered these children at my job at a convenience store. They live just caddy-corner from the store and shop with us often.
Fourteen may be older than that; I don't know. When I first met her, she had tried to dye a streak of blue in her hair. She had the blue streak all right; but also bleached, blotchy spots everywhere; and that dye was all over her hands, her clothes, her face; and that smell of the color was thick. Poor thing was so self-conscious; her unease radiated like a neon light. I preserved her dignity and held my professionalism, of course, but she was just so wonderfully ... human. She comes in with her siblings often. She's soft spoken, says little, and always gentle with the younger children. She is a wonderful human being.
Twelve is a fair haired little girl. When she comes in on her own, she converses with the staff readily; but if she comes in with older kids, she becomes withdrawn and quiet, preferring the company of the "big girls" and then is uncomfortable with staff addressing her. She has an image to protect, dontchaknow. Twelve once told me that when she grew up, she wanted to be "one of those people who make the rules" (politician) so that she "could right the wrongs of the world".
The little girl, Eight, is a favored among the staff. She is probably the smartest little girl I've ever met. She's well behaved, ladylike, and can tell me how much she's spending when she spends (though taxes are a bit much for her yet); and when I tell her the totals, she tells me how much change I owe her before the register gives me the answer. Eight loves animals; she recently had her pet Iguana escape; and she has often come in with stray kittens in her hands to buy them kitty food. As angelic as Eight is, she is not to be underestimated; she has often come into the store on several occasions with different adults in her life and with Fourteen so that by the end of the day, Eight is loaded down with treats. Once, she came in to buy a bag of candy, but before I could finish ringing her up, she told me that she had changed her mind and decided she was going to "save her money" and "get Daddy to buy it for her". Yes; Eight is quite the manipulator. With her smarts and people skills, she has the potential to go very far in life.
I once made the mistake of referring to Seven as being six; and I was corrected that in no uncertain terms, he was "Seven!" He's a wisp of a child, small for his age; always dirty but always with a big grin on his face. He seeks the approval of adults and when he is told that such things as reporting what's in the trash can is appreciated, he will grin from ear to ear and run off. He loves to ride his bicycle and he loves to explore his surroundings.
I am concerned for these children because I fear that they are not being cared for at home and that they are not living in a good situation.
They live in a house that from the outside, looks to be about 3 bedrooms. Besides Dad, however, they have at least 2 other adults living with them. These children appear to have different mothers, with Seven's mother reportedly strung out on crack. Seven's approval seeking bothers me as I fear he seeks approval from other adults because he's not getting enough of that positive attention at home. They often play for hours at a time, unattended; and seeing an adult with them or watching them at play: Well, I've only seen it once. There are days when I notice these children out playing, all day, and never once encountering an adult. They live along a paved road (that's more like an ally) and cross our lot where reckless drivers have been known to speed through the lot or ally, placing these children in potential danger. Today, Seven comes to the store with untreated closed sores on the sole of his feet. These children are often barefoot; that's one thing; but they all ride their bicycles barefooted. Besides the "big" sore, he had about 6 other cuts on his feet. He came to us for help with band aids. That bothers me; why come to us? Where are the adults in his life? My coworker and I medicated, cleaned and bandaged his little foot and off he went running. These children are always wearing the same clothes; I think they have no more than 3 sets of clothing each. With the long hours of being unattended, I have wondered that if one went missing, how long would it take the adults to realize they were gone?? Some of my coworkers have worked there for well over a decade; and report to me that at least one of the adults in that house is a drug addict who cooks meth (though, it appears, not in the house) and strongly suspect that the adults are dealing in the drug trade.
I feel compelled to do or say something. But we all know how bad CPS/DCF can screw up. Yes, saying something may make things better for these children; but it can make things so, so much worse for them.
I am an adoptee and during the process, I have lost my sister, whom I will probably never learn her fate. This is a wound that will never heal. Each other seems to be all these children have; and I don't want to believe I am responsible for taking them away from each other. But if I say and do nothing; and they are abducted, struck by a car, miss their fullest potential in life, end up in the wrong place and time during a drug deal gone bad, suffer problems because of untreated medical concerns ... You see my conundrum.
Adults have this tendency to find that they love children that they barely even know. And that is where I am. If I could, I would scoop them up and take them home to live with me. Of course, I can't do that; and of course, I know that wouldn't be the answer anyway; but emotions are emotions, you know?
So I ponder: What is the extent of their risks at the home? Do those risks outweigh the risks of ending up with ineffective foster parents, losing each other or becoming adoptees themselves?
Last update on June 27, 12:41 am by WhereIsJennifer.
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Every state has a hotline for child welfare. You can call and speak to a social worker. If your concerns meet certain criteria (a parent on crack should certainly qualify), the state will get involved.
The media likes to paint foster homes as scary bad places. But read through the foster parent support forum here. It represents the foster moms I've met in real life. Most are caring, supportive people who are doing this to help kids
My daughter was living with an addict. If someone hadn't called a hotline when she was 4, she'd be in a very similar situation to what you described. Because of the hotline call, she got pulled into foster care. This August, we'll be celebrating the fifth anniversary of our adoption
Sadly, I would not be surprised if CPS does not investigate based on what you have said. If it were all young children who were unsupervised they might, but a fourteen year old is usually considered to be old enough that, if she and the 12 year old are supervising, it wouldn't necessarily be a problem. As to the drug issue, if you've heard about it from someone else and don't have details, again, they are unlikely to investigate. The thing that would be the largest concern would be the child needing help with band-aids, since it could mean parents not providing medical care, but a single incident doesn't necessarily indicate neglect. I'm not saying it's not a problem, but by itself, what you say would probably not result in an investigation.
However, you don't know whether they may have been reported to CPS before. There could have been enough reports made already that yours will be the one that pushes things to an investigation. Or yours could be the first, but others may come, and yours will help to establish that pattern. It's worth calling, but I wouldn't expect any kind of significant response.
I wish to thank everyone for their input and honest, candid answers. I will continue listening, even if I don't respond. Again, thanks.
I do not wish for children to be separated from their loved ones or to become adoptees if there is no valid reason and I do not wish to be a cause of things of this nature happening because I am not seeing the whole situation.
What I hear being said is that it is relatively safe to report; that my single report will not, in and of itself, result in a family separation or irreparable harm.
Am I correct that I am hearing what I think I'm hearing?
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I do not wish to be a cause of things of this nature happening because I am not seeing the whole situation.
What I hear being said is that it is relatively safe to report; that my single report will not, in and of itself, result in a family separation or irreparable harm.
Am I correct that I am hearing what I think I'm hearing?
Your report will not result in anything except an investigation (possibly). It is the investigator's job to look at and see the whole situation, and determine whether the children are being neglected. You are obligated legally to make a report if you suspect a child is being neglected or abused, but it is not your responsibility to know for sure what is happening and put so much pressure on yourself to make a decision.
A single report can lead to an investigation that results in removing children from their family and placing in foster care. What I think you are hearing people say is that most of what you described are questionable parenting practices, but really fall in a gray area that CPS may or may not decide to even investigate.
If you are making a report I would focus on the concern about the untreated sores on the child's foot and the fact that he came to you for first aid - that could very well be medical neglect. I'd mention the concern about them being outside unattended for long periods, but at their ages it's such a gray area.
I myself spent hours outside without adult supervision as a child - we just had to come home when the streetlights came on, and stay within a certain several block radius of the house. And yes we were barefoot most of the summer. I don't think I was neglected - culturally our society was in a different place then about that kind of thing. The other kids in the neighborhood ran around like that too. Would I now let my seven year old out of the house without supervision - NO! But I don't spank either and that doesn't make parents who do abusive... does that make sense?
The stuff about drug use is just gossip - unless one of the children has made statements to you about that.
Have you asked the children anything? Like "Where's your mom, I never see her?" or "Did your Daddy not have any band-aids?" What comments have the children made to you directly about their situation - if any?
No doubt foster care is it's own kind of trauma for kids, but after the initial trauma, it can also be a kid's first chance at stability and "normalcy". Foster care also has a lot of rules these days about preserving families. A family whose children are in FC will get services and supports to get their children back, and if that proves undoable there are still rules about keeping siblings in touch and involved in each other's lives if they cannot be placed together. I don't know if that eases your fears at all. I hope so.
Good Luck.
Your report will not result in anything except an investigation (possibly). It is the investigator's job to look at and see the whole situation, and determine whether the children are being neglected. You are obligated legally to make a report if you suspect a child is being neglected or abused, but it is not your responsibility to know for sure what is happening and put so much pressure on yourself to make a decision.
A single report can lead to an investigation that results in removing children from their family and placing in foster care. What I think you are hearing people say is that most of what you described are questionable parenting practices, but really fall in a gray area that CPS may or may not decide to even investigate.
If you are making a report I would focus on the concern about the untreated sores on the child's foot and the fact that he came to you for first aid - that could very well be medical neglect. I'd mention the concern about them being outside unattended for long periods, but at their ages it's such a gray area.
I myself spent hours outside without adult supervision as a child - we just had to come home when the streetlights came on, and stay within a certain several block radius of the house. And yes we were barefoot most of the summer. I don't think I was neglected - culturally our society was in a different place then about that kind of thing. The other kids in the neighborhood ran around like that too. Would I now let my seven year old out of the house without supervision - NO! But I don't spank either and that doesn't make parents who do abusive... does that make sense?
The stuff about drug use is just gossip - unless one of the children has made statements to you about that.
Have you asked the children anything? Like "Where's your mom, I never see her?" or "Did your Daddy not have any band-aids?" What comments have the children made to you directly about their situation - if any?
No doubt foster care is it's own kind of trauma for kids, but after the initial trauma, it can also be a kid's first chance at stability and "normalcy". Foster care also has a lot of rules these days about preserving families. A family whose children are in FC will get services and supports to get their children back, and if that proves undoable there are still rules about keeping siblings in touch and involved in each other's lives if they cannot be placed together. I don't know if that eases your fears at all. I hope so.
Good Luck.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
I will ask more questions, continue to be watchful, and I accept your advice about putting too much pressure on myself.
If your "Mom sense" is tingling, you should have the family situation checked out by professionals. Your concerns probably have some justification. Frankly, I would be devastated if I failed to request a check of the family situation, and one or more of the children died from neglect or abuse.
Just because a family parents differently from you does not mean that it is abusive or neglectful. And just because a family has limited income, so the children wear the same three outfits all the time, does not mean that the kids need to be removed from their home. I think you are aware of these facts, but still think that something isn't right. If so, by all means, follow up.
Sharon