Single foster mom soon to adopt please help

July 2, 2015

Hello all!

I've been a foster mom to a 5 year old girl that I have had 2 years now. I have a relative that has fostered part of her sibling group multiple times so our family is a bit too familiar with parents unfortunately. Every time my relative has fostered them there's Been more and more kids born to this mother. This last time around there were 6 siblings taken into custody and my relative couldn't care for them all (Cps usually calls her first when this lady's kids are taken) so she told cps she would see if any of us, her family, could take some of them in an effort to keep the kids semi together. I was asked to take in a 3 year old girl by my relative. I said no way. I was a single woman, independent, working hard in my career and really the thought of it terrified me. Something kept tugging at me to do this. There were signs if you will. I kept imagining my sweet little 3 year old niece who I love dearly being out there in the scary world, needing somebody to help her. Needless to say I said yes eventually.

For months my foster child was stuck in the system, living in a group home because her case file hadn't even made it out of Cps' intake department (Arizona ughhh). I hadn't met her but I wanted her out of there. I made up my mind that she was coming home with me and I fought and harassed Cps. I finalled picked her up and there was this little Mexican girl, covered in Popsicle, barely spoke English, wearing clothes that clearly were two sizes too small. She was in my car. She was hyper as can be, kept rolling windows down and rolling her neck at me like she was paying my bills, lol. She scared the living shit out me and for six months I was crawling out my skin. I couldn't do this I kept telling myself. Different family members would have to spend time with me in shifts because I was getting depressed. What had I done? It was like a stranger dropped off to live with me and she was mean. She had her moments when she would break down and cry and I had no idea how to help her. we were both depressed.

Fast forward 2 years later and she still has her rolling neck moments, but she transformed into the strongest, most polite, caring,Funny little girl you'd ever meet. I am proud of this child. I am proud that were still alive together making this work. We love each other. We fight. We get on each other's nerves. We have funny moments. She throws tantrums. I drink beer! We are normal people for the most part.

After all the foster care review boards, therapy for her, court proceedings (I've been to them all!), visits she's had with bios, home visits, home inspections, foster licensing people, doctor appointments, dental surgery she needed, GAL visits, CFTs with bios, school stuff, sick days...and a full time job might I add .....she is finally severed from bios and will be eligible for adoption soon!

Call this pre adoption cold feet or what have you but I'm starting to feel the walls closing in just like when I first brought her home. I don't second guess my decision to do this and I can't imagine her not being in my life. I'm just haunted by all the ways I suck as a parent. Even though I know I love her, I am NOT a touchy feely person with her. She is 5 and she wants affection. I get it. She deserves that. she tries to hold my hand and I pull away. She does kissy faces at me and I pretend that I don't see her. She sits on my lap and I remind her people sit in their own seats and move her off. At night we do hug and kiss once but it makes me cringe and I feel like an ass for admitting that. I really am not much for affection (that's probably why I still single) and I think she knows that much about me now. But she's still a little one and tries and no matter how hard I try, I cannot force myself to fake it like I am ok with it. It drives me crazy and I feel terrible. I know I can't be this way forever but I have no idea how to change this trait in me. With all honesty I feel like if she were my biological child it would be second nature to me. I am totally affectionate with my nieces and nephews and if we're in a safe zone here it does not feel natural for me to be this way with her. I can 100% say for sure that I love her. But there is not a bone in my body that wants to hold her hand or kiss her or scoop her up in my arms and it's killing me. Although I do all the mom duties for her I do not feel like she is my child. She feels more like my little sister that lives with me than anything else. I feel like this is my defense mechanism I have set up over this two years time because I never truly knew if she was staying or going. I really want to be a good mom to this little girl but I can't even stomach her calling me "mom". I cringe and I find myself not responding to her when she calls me that. I really need to find a way to get over myself. Last thing I want to do his promise her that I will be her mom not deliver on that. I never want her to feel rejected by me but I feel like I do that to her daily. I'm crying my eyes out. It hurts so bad to type this. I am exactly like this in the dating world as well. I have walls so high that nobody can climb them. I am such a guarded Person not even a sweet little kid like her can get to.

I've thought about seeing an adoption therapist and prior to three days ago I didn't know that existed. Has anyone ever been to one of these? Please offer any advice you can. This seriously keeps me up at night and with adoption fast approaching I could use all the help I can get. Sorry this was so long and I appreciate all your help.

Last update on July 2, 10:54 pm by Becka Martinez.