what do you feel CONCRETELY for that child?
I am adopted, and it hurts me to think of my mother. She now has a son, I'm afraid that she loves me, she loves him and not me. I want to ask you mothers: what do you feel when you give the child up for adoption? I read that many mothers write "I really love my son." But what do you feel concretely for this child? My mother was happy to know that I'm okay, and that I seek her, but relatives say she was a bad woman, who did not care much about his children.
Answer me please, you do not grow the children that you gave up for adoption, so I want to ask you: why do you love this child? what you feel for him? you worry for him? if hem die or has an accident do you worry as they worry her adoptive parents?
the relationship that a (birth) mother has with her child is not the same relationship that you have with a child that you grow for a lifetime. My (adoptive) mother worries a LOT TO me, she loves me, she knows my character and how I react to events, my (birth) mother does not know anything about me, so why she should love me? i don't judje, but think about that hurts me so much, i want to understand, i want to have a testimony from a (birth) mother.
Rozi, I don't think there is a universal response to losing a child to adoption. My guess is that you are not a mother, but maybe I am wrong. I gave up a child 45 years ago and have been reunited for 25 years. She searched for me; I never would have searched for her, because I believed what I was told when I gave her up - that I was replaceable by her adoptive mother. That I was not necessary for her to be happy and healthy. But when I left the hospital without her, I knew that it was all lies, but too late to do anything else. A baby is a part of the mother; there is a connection that cannot be denied, nor changed by a court order. You will know that if you ever give birth. No birth mother knows that when she "chooses" adoption. I am of the mind that no woman truly chooses adoption for her baby but out of desperation. No support by the father or her family, no way to support the baby and belief that the baby would be better off with 2 parents. It's a gut wrenching "choice" when there are no other options. The baby's survival seems to depend on that "choice".
But once we live without our child, most of us are consumed on some level, many times unconscious, with the safety of that child. It's not unlike a baby being kidnapped. Even though we didn't "know" you, or raise you, the concern and worry is no different than for a child who just disappears. You disappeared. Though legally, it's an immoral separation of mother and child, to benefit the adoption industry and adoptive families (who generally are more financially able to support a child).
Please don't question a birth mother's concern/love and feeling of connection to you. You are a part of us. Our blood flows in your veins. Our genes make you who you are. Your adoptive parents love you, too, (hopefully). And if they love you, they will support your quest to know your birth family. Without the sacrifice of your birth parents, your adoptive parents, wouldn't be parents. They cannot claim to love you and be concerned about your welfare and yet make you feel guilty for wanting to know your original parents/ family. If they love you, they will want you to be able to know your roots. If they don't, then the adoption is all about THEM and not about your best interests.
Dear Rozi,
I haven't been on here for a long time so I just saw your question. I can only speak for myself, not for any other birth mother. My son grew inside me for 9 months. My decision to place him for adoption was based on what I believed at the time was the best thing for him. It took my mother a while to realize how much I really did love him. He was and is my firstborn son. He is now 44 and we have been in reunion for 12 years. I spent many years not knowing if he was alive or dead. There was an expectation at that time that the mother wound hand over her child, walk away and never look back. Trust me, it doesn't work that way. It is incredibly difficult to not know anything about him (and to know that you have legally given up the right to know.)
No, I didn't get to watch him grow up, but when we reunited I discovered that genetics is more powerful than I was taught. My son's personality fits well into his birth family. His sense of humor matches most of ours. He simply fits in. (And I do love him.)
I should mention that I do not try to take the place of the mother who raised him. We have our own relationship which I cherish. I get to watch his children grow up and to be part of their lives. We don't call each other constantly, but he knows I'm there if he needs anything and I know I can call him whenever I want. (I am always afraid I'm interrupting something.)
He has always been a part of my life. I love him because he is genetically part of me as are my other two children (Although he actually looks more like me than either of my other two children.) I love the man he is, the husband, the father, the son he is. I love the fact that he has allowed me to be part of his life.
I don't know if this helps you answer your question. The only way to know what your birth mother actually feels is to have a relationship with her that allows to her to share her true thoughts and feelings. Many of us are very good at holding our true feelings deep within us so that even our families don't know the truth.
Blessings,
Kathy
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Rozi,
I had this same conversation with my wife last week, when we found out what my birth Mothers name is. I felt much as you did, but my wife pointed out "How could she NOT love you?" Adoption is an entirely different thing than abandonment, and it takes a lot to put a child up for adoption. It must be such an intimate thing, to have this baby growing inside you, and feeling that connection for nine months and then to voluntarily give that baby up. How can it not affect you?
Hopefully things worked out for you, I'd hate to think you've held on to this agonizing feeling for 2 years now.