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Hi Rozi,
It's very difficult to talk about feelings in concrete terms. I chose adoption for my first born for a number of reasons. One, frankly, was the times. There was still a stigma for unwed mothers and a lot of shaming. (Sometimes I think I was just too much of a coward to face it.) My parents would have helped but I knew I would probably never get him back from my mom even after I finished school. (I was a senior in college.) Plus I believed strongly that children deserve to be wanted as well as loved. (My mother used to tell me "we loved you but we didn't want you" -- I was born 11 months after their wedding and they didn't plan to have children for 2 years.) I never wanted to say that you a child of mine. (Of course that means he grew up believing I didn't want him.) It was was a closed adoption and I knew very little about the adoptive parents.
He has always been my firstborn and he was born on my 21st birthday. My biggest fear was finding that he had died as a child. When I had my other two, I was always afraid of SIDS. I didn't believe I had the right to even look for him but I always hoped he would look for and find me. I tried to make it easy but it didn't really worked. Every so often I would tr something to find him and after I had gotten a computer I happened on to Adoption.com. I found him because he had registered here. After I had a name I found him (actually I found his aparents first.) I went into our reunion with now expectations. I didn't know if he would want a relationship or what kind of a relationship he would want.
To try to get back to those concrete feelings: In many ways he simply slipped into the family circle as another adult child. I love that he has opened his life to me and I get to know and watch his children grow up. (He has my ONLY granddaughter.)
We have grown into a relationship that we call both healthy and comfortable.
I have enjoyed getting to know my son and his family. He used to live much closer and we were invited to all sorts of family functions. Unfortunately they have moved across the country to CO (from PA) so I only get to see them about once a year. I do get to see lots of pics and chat with them (The positive side of social media.) He knows that I am here if he needs anything.
I don't know how to be more concrete than that. Feel free to ask any questions.
Blessings,
Kathy
I forgot to say: these are my kids. My bson is on the left. As I write this, he will be 43 in a month; my daughter is 37 and my other son is 39.
Last update on September 1, 8:55 pm by kakuehl.
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