Favoritism, Privacy

Can she give examples of this favoritism? At this point, she may realize this is a fear of yours and just say it to push a button.

How did she find out you read her journal? Did you tell her? I know people have strong feelings for and against reading journals...I am for it for the most part and I don't think you need to tell them. It is a teenagers nature to keep secrets and because of their brain development they make impulsive decisions. It's our job to take care of them. It's a tight rope on how to balance caring for a teenager and letting them have some independence. The fact that you read her journal and are worried shows how much you care for her. I don't know if you show favor to your daughter but I suspect that she would feel that way no matter how you acted. Remember you are the adult and you call the shots, you know you love her you chose her, stay confident in that, let her have and work out her own feelings about it. You don't have to convince her and you can't control her or how she feels, just stay strong and sure.Kat

I would guess that most of this comes down to her age. Most 13 yo girls don't feel comfortable in their own skin, much less anything else. I don't have answers for the big issues. But maybe a special shopping trip would help her feel better. Something like picking out a new color or posters for her room. Anything that gets her talking about her favorite whatever. Hope things improve soon.

I think most parents have a favorite child. I recommend a couple of things since she is your oldest give her a few extra priveledges. -Make her bedtime a little later-Make sure you do Mother/Daughter Days with each of your girls-Maybe a 1st concert since she is 13, let her help you pick which one and go just the two of you.

Dang it! The close button is in the wrong place. You wouldn't have believed how brilliant my post was. I will try to recap. If you are confident you are not playing favorites, then it is simply her perception. So you need to let it go emotionally to a certain extent. That said, I think a conversation with her about how you thought about it and you think she probably should have some special priviledges since she is the oldest might be worth a try. I would be prepared to offer your suggestions but ask her what she thinks would be appropriate.Also, I totally agree that parents have favorites. I have a favorite kid (and it is not my bio). But it is not always the same kid who is the favorite. I was definitely the favorite kid growing up. And now I think I am ranked 5 of 6. The fact that I could easily perceive that (even though my parents assured us they loved us all the same) means your daughter probably can also. But to me it was really only important to my ego. To a kid who has been in care, not being the favorite was likely much more significant. It might have meant not enough food, or physical abuse or many things that are essential to mere survival. You have to figure that her ability to perceive favoritism is highly developed and that it means more than just mere superiority. It might be worth talking about this bluntly with her and assuring her that even the least favorite person in your family is cared for and safe. I know that is a conversation that my 10 year old son could have intellectually and it would cause him to examine why favoritism matters to him.

Thanks all! We had some serious discussion today with each child separately after things escalated between the two while they were at grandma's house for the weekend. We are re-entering therapy to help AD13 deal with some extreme emotions that she can't handle alone. I have to remind myself that it's only been 18 months since placement and 4 months since adoption day. It takes time...