Life Books, so worth it

When my 2 (now adopted) kids moved in, we had already had training on Life Books and I was all gung-ho about them. Turns out they were already be started by someone in the agency previously, so I filled in a few things but not much since they were so young and could not really talk. One thing I did do when I felt like TPR was near, was to ask bio-mom for a picture. I meant a picture of them as a baby or as a family. What I got was a stack of pictures with descriptions of who was who, when it was taken and how they were related, all written on the back. There were a few notes added that were not really appropriate (come back to your family when you get older, when you were snatched from us, etc.) but in all I was amazed at the time they put into the pictures. In the year following TPR the kids never once asked about their family, beyond the one sibling they were close with. It took almost 2 years after TPR for them to even mention or ask about their family. We talk about them politely when it comes up (yes, your mom would hold you like this as a baby, you mom loved you very much, you have so-and-so's eyes, etc.) but we never really opened it up more. Lately the oldest, now 7, has been mentioning them a lot more. Earlier this week he asked if I had a picture of him birth parents. I told him I had a whole stack of pictures in the basement, "would you like to see them?" He was so happy, seems he forgot we had these. Tonight I got out the Life Books of both kids, explained to them what the Life Books were, then we sat down and looked through them and the pictures. It was curious to see the difference in what they noticed. The younger one was not so much interested in the family members he did not know, more about seeing pictures of himself. The older one, though, seemed a bit happier to see pics of cousins and grandparents. The kids are now old enough that we need to sit down and fill in some more of the gaps. I did do something several years ago that I had forgotten about, but was thankful I took the time. I typed up a summary of all the family information I knew or could find and put it in their life books. I also typed up summaries of court orders/hearings for parents, at least as far as I could find. This was not to say how horrible they were, but to help give them a feel for how thing were when they were removed. So my point? 1. It does not hurt to ask. I am so glad now that we have pictures of them as babies, with cousins/aunts/uncles, pictures of grandparents (who have passed away now), etc. 2. Even if you do not have all the information, even a little here and there will be more than nothing. The kids thought it was neat to look over their birth record from the hospital and to see what they liked to eat during those young toddler ages. 3. This was a great way for me to introduce the fact that there are half siblings out there. We talked about the term and how much older these siblings were. I also got to show the different places they had lived, helping to connect a few dots. 4. Even if all you have is a photo album with some document thrown in, at some point this will mean the world to the kids. We don't have their baby albums, if they even exist, but we can make this into something like that just for them. All of this would have been over their heads ... even just last year. My thoughts were to take it as they bring it up, which has been a lot lately. Even last week the oldest asked me about when he came home from the hospital, then the other wanted to know also. I took what little I knew and made it into a logical story. That right there allowed me to introduce the fact that they lived with family members for a while and that they moved around a lot as kids. These were two facts that had never really fit into anything they had asked before. By introducing it now, I am hoping it won't be such a shock later on. The 7 year old wants to go meet family, but we do not feel like that is a good thing right now. Instead I promise to answer any questions, talk about it whenever he feels the need and that when he is older we will get in touch with the family. While the training for Life Books is a bit boring, I am glad to have had it and understand how this can help some with easing the loses the kids experience.

I have not done life books for my children. I have copies I was given of all the paperwork pertaining to their cases that I was given at adoption. I also have have tons of pictures, just not in a book. It's more a digital slideshow. I live in a closed adoption state. I'm often asked about life books by my LW. I try to explain to her that I understand that it's standard policy, but we don't have standard adoptions. We have open adoptions. Other than relative adoption, that seems pretty rare where I come from. We do twice a year visits, phone calls, and updates via FB. One of my baby mamas just attended our son's birthday party at our home. As far as my FD Pumpkin, we supervise visits. We spend more time hanging out with mom and baby brother than I do most of my relatives. We took Pumpkin to mom's house when baby brother was born. We allowed mom to have her visit at our house rather than have to miss her visit because she had no transportation and had just given birth. I try to explain to my LW that while I would love to be crafty and make beautiful books for my kids (not really:P), no book is going to be better than the real relationship my kids have with their biological parents. Pictures will not stop children from creating fantasies in their minds that don't match reality. Believe me, it's not always easy. One of my adopted boys came from a hard core drug addict.