How to explain what biracial means to young child

Hello, I need some help, please! Any response is sincerely appreciated. Our son is five years old. He knows about being adopted, knows his birth mother's name and what adoptions means. We don't know his birth father and the bmom hasn't given us any information other than the fact that he is black. She is white. So we really haven't told him about his birth father but now the time has come when we need to get more detailed about what being biracial means and will have to talk to him about his bfather. I hate that I have no information about him to give my son and I think that is why we've been avoiding this issue. I can't give him a name or any other info other than he is black. My question is - how do you explain to a five year old what being biracial means? I guess we are going to have to bring the "birds and the bees" talk into this. Can any of you help me with the right age appropriate wording? Have any of you been in this position and, if so, how did you handle it? He knows his birthmother carried him in her belly and that we were there when he was born and brought him home from the hospital. We've told him that she wasn't ready to raise a baby so she picked us to be his parents. He knows her name but hasn't been curious or asked many questions. We have pictures of her but are waiting for him to ask for more information. We've told him the basics and have answered any questions he's asked. Now, he is more aware of race and we think it's time to explain that his Bmother is white and his Bfather is black and that is why he is biracial. He starts kindergarten next week and, even though he is light, kids may ask questions once they see me and my husband or say things like "why don't you look like your parents?" Or "who are your real parents?" ***cringe*** We have explained to him that people come in different colors and we are all special and the same inside. He has friends of diverse racial backgrounds and hasn't question that. Any help with how to approach this with him would be wonderful. Even examples of how you would word it would help us a lot. Thank you in advance!

As far as the birds and bees talk-- I would explain that love is a feeling in our heart that sometimes turns into an action between two people. Sometimes as a result of that action a baby starts growing in the lady's belly. It starts out really tiny-so tiny you can't see it, but it keeps growing and growing until it is big enough to come out of the mom's belly. That is how a baby gets here.As far as telling him what biracial means---at age five the more simple the explanation the better. I would just simply say something like " sometimes two people who are different races have a baby together. That baby is not one race or the other race, it is made up of both races. That is what biracial means- a person who came from a mom and dad of different races. Sometimes those people come from different countries or areas of the world, but not always. " If the word race confuses him maybe you could insert a word he would understand more like 'colors'. as far as other kids asking him about his 'real parents'----I have always told my kids that love is what makes a family- families don't have to look the same or be the same color. Family means people who love and take care of each other. Parents are people who take care of kids and give them what they need to help them grow and learn. Since you and your spouse are real people and he is a real person and you love him and you are giving him what he needs to help him learn and grow, you are his family and his parents. The color of your skin is a very small part of who you are--what makes you be you is what is on the inside, in your heart and mind, not just on the outside.Honestly race is an ongoing conversation that you will need to continue having as he grows older. Especially as a young man when he is gaining a stronger sense of self and the world is becoming aware of him as a Black man. Meaning -- at this point in his life people think he is a cute kid and they are accepting of who he is. When he becomes a teen it can be a whole different story-- people in society often see young Black men as something to fear and be distrustful of. They are much more apt to treat him differently---which can be a shock to him if he is not somewhat prepared. As the mother of two now young adult Black men I have had multiple conversations with them regarding how they handle themselves in certain situations like, for example, when they begin to drive- and what to do and what NOT to do if they get pulled over by the police. We've also had conversations about dating-- some people will be accepting of you dating their daughter if she is of a different race. Some will be absolutely against it. We have experienced that more than one time- and it is tough to go through for the kid and the parent too. You love and accept your child and it's tough when other people do not accept them with open arms.

I would simply say that every baby in the world has to have a mother and a father in order to be born. (You don't need to get into anything about sex at this point.) Sometimes, the mother and father live in the same house, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they are married and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes the mother and father are the same color, and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes, the mother and father both take care of the baby when the baby is born, but not always; sometimes only one parent, either the mother or the father, takes care of the baby, and sometimes they make an adoption plan, which allows someone else to be the Mommy or Daddy and take care of the baby.I would remind your son that you've told him about his birthmother, and actually met her. You can mention that his birthmother was White, like you. You can tell him that she has hair of a certain color and eyes of a certain color, and that you actually have a picture of her, if he wants to see it You can tell him that he also has a birthfather, but sadly, you don't have a lot of information about his birthfather, and that's why you didn't mention him before; however, you know that he is Black, and probably has dark eyes and textured (or curly) hair. You can let him know that, someday, you may be able to find out more about him, but that you can't be sure.I would tell your son that all babies get some of their appearance from their mother and some from their father. I'd mention some of his friends (choose ones that were born into the families that were raising them), and ask if he thinks they look more like their mothers or their fathers. Talk about how one boy has red hair like his Mom, but green eyes like his Dad, or that a girl is really short, like her Mom, but has freckles like her Dad. I would have your son look in the mirror and tell you whether he thinks he looks more like his birthmother or his birthfather. You can help him find positive descriptive terms to characterize his features, like, "Your skin looks like my favorite breakfast drink -- coffee with lots of milk and sugar. I'll bet the coffee color comes from your birthfather, and the cream and sugar part comes from your birthmother," or "Your birthmother is about my height, but the doctor thinks you are going to be a lot taller than I am; I'll bet that your birthfather was very tall and handsome."Let your son know that the correct term for having one parent of one race and one parent of another race is "biracial", which means "two races". But also let him know that he may hear some people use other words to describe people who are biracial, and that some of them are ugly words. Let him know that some people will call him "mixed", which isn't too awful, but that other people might call him other things, which are not nice. As an example, some mean person might say he's a "mongrel", which is like calling him a dog that isn't one particular breed. You might want, at this point, to teach him that there is a REALLY ugly word, which should never be used by people who are not Black or biracial, and tell him about the N-word and that you never want anyone to use it in your house because it is generally used as an insult to Black and biracial people..Without making too big a deal of it, you might want to role play some situations, before you start your son in school. As an example, you might talk about what he would do if some kid asks why his Mommy and Daddy don't look like him. Or you might ask what he would do if some kid says she doesn't want to play with him because he is part Black and Black people are stinky". You might even ask him what he'd do if some kid said that you and your husband weren't his "real" parents. The goal is to give him some simple, positive language with which to educate others. As an example, "My Mommy and Daddy don't look like me because they adopted me; I look like my birthmother and birthfather." Or "I think somebody was joking with you. I'm biracial and I don't stink. Nobody stinks if they take a bath frequently." Or "Mommy and Daddy ARE my real parents, because they adopted me, which made me their son. My birthparents chose them to be my parents because they couldn't take care of a baby, themselves."By the way, don't get scared of the "real parents" question, even if it's not answered exactly like the above suggestion. My daughter, at one point, concluded that she had TWO sets of real parents -- her first parents or birthparents, who created her, and her adoptive Mom, who raised her. As she got older, she explained that her first parents were real parents because they created her and gave birth to her, and found her a good home when they couldn't raise a child at that time in their lives. And her adoptive Mom was a real parent because she took care of her daughter every day. I didn't put that idea into her head; that's what SHE concluded, on her own.Sharon

I really appreciate biracial questions! As a biracial adoptee I really feel as if just being open with your kids as my adoptive mom was with me really helped me through the hard times when I was the only non-white child in my very white community. I knew that my birth mom was white and I knew that my birth dad was black. I've only ever met my birth mom and chances are that I will never ever meet my birth dad. I am okay with this. Sometimes it does bother me. But I know that he doesn't even know I was born. If you are explain everything to your child, everything will be okay. --J.Babe

Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you don't mind some follow up questions Do you remember how old you were when you learned this?Prior to that did you assume you were something else (black? latina? white?)? Or were you so young, you never thought about it?did your parents use the term/label biracial? or just introduce you to the ethnicities of your bps?did you have follow up discussions as you got older...? looking back, have you felt accepted by the larger (black, white) communities?

When I was growing up, an Older couple were very close friends with us. They were a bi-racial couple, at a time when that was unusual- and still in some areas not real acceptable.What was the saddest- is they never had children. Not because they couldn’t, or didn’t want kids…But because they married in the 1960’s… he had been beaten on multiple occasions for being with a white woman. They, as a couple, had been repeatedly publicly harassed… and they could not bear to bring a mixed-race child into this world…not back then.Now- most of us “NORMAL” people do not look at a child and say ‘oh look! They are bi-racial”… it is more common and acceptable..as it should be.This shouldn’t even HAVE to BE a question in this day and age..But with the resurgence of “White Privilege” and racism all of a sudden… It is scary to have to explain and protect children from all this.

These are all great answers!! I just want to add that kids MAY tease/mock him about being adopted, saying his parents didn't want him. Impress upon him that his bm loved him enough to give him up. Also, those not in the adoption community can be ignorant with talking to adoptees: the use of the phrase "real parents"...

I think for the time being let everything go as it's going without any disruption, (as you said he is not curious and doesn't ask too many questions). When time demands a clarification, go ahead. But for now, don't let his innocence get lost in finding answers that may affect his state of well being.

I'm biracial (black/white) and was raised by my single parent white mom. I look stereotypically mixed but feel more like a transracial adoptee than a mixed person (sometimes) because of the minimal influence of black culture in my life. I'm racially mixed but I'm culturally white. At this point in my life I have done tons of reading about African American culture, but when I claim it as my own I feel like an imposter.