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Niece (age 16) FINALLY moved in with us in a guardianship situation right after last school year ended. We have had pretty much no state involvement from either the sending nor the receiving state. Obviously, we are not getting any financial help from anyone (not the state, not the bios) so it's been a little rough getting Niece the things she needs to settle in (thank goodness for IKEA - but still very expensive outfitting an entire room at once) and to start school this month. Niece wants to start horseback riding (OMG the cost of that!!!)
Emotionally, she seems to be doing fairly well, with periods of sadness and missing her bios (who BTW have not even tried to contact her since last September, with the exception of a birthday text to her phone). I was afraid of the dynamics between her and my daughter, but they seem to be doing fairly well together, other than the usual teen things.
The big issue seems to be with my husband. She seems to resent him trying to parent her. He treats her just like he treats his own and it's hard. I was always a very hands-on Aunt so she's used to me being in "her business" and he was more hands off with birthday and holiday phone calls and presents being the extent of his involvement as an Uncle. Now that he's acting like a father (as he should), she's getting resentful.
School is starting soon. Looking forward to a little time alone with no kids in the house during the day.
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Thanks for the update. it does sound like things are going well.
As for the issues with her and your husband, i have a couple thoughts
1) whenever i see "treat them just like out BK.." it sends up a little flag. kids with baggage can't necessarily be treated like kids who were raised a certain was for 10+ years. If he's willing to alter his approach, you MIGHT have better luck
that said...
2) it might not have anything to do with him. She may have baggage with some adult man. Your husband may be connected to that man in her mind. We went through something similar was DD moved in. In our case, dd felt unsafe around men. What worked for us - i was the buffer, the main parent. DH's job was to ensure he didn't trigger DDs trauma. He was gentle and patient, no fast moves/ no approaching her physically, no loud voices (our kiddo was 5, not 16.. so exact actions will differ, of course)
3) 16 year olds are known to triangulate. Make sure she doesn't come between you two <3
good luck!
-w
ps - re: BPs who don't bother contacting kids.. it's infuriating, i get it
Thanks for your ideas, Wcurry66. I actually agree with both your number 1 and number 2. I don't want to go into specifics, but number 2 is a definite yes. As far as triangulation, she doesn't really play us off each other. It's more like she goes into her room and sulks and says nothing. That is beyond annoying to my husband, who doesn't understand passive-aggressive children having raised two who are merely aggressive and fight back against any and all real or perceived injustices. I keep telling him that he cannot treat her the same way he treats his own, nor can he expect her to respond in the same way. Her experiences have been dramatically different. Her defense mechanism is to make herself small and avoid notice.
I also don't think she's secure enough here yet to even try triangulation. Nothing is permanent in her mind. That's why I thought it was important to let her decorate her room and pick everything out, so it's hers and permanent in her mind. Time and patience, I guess. I wish I had more time. She's grown a lot in the past 3 years in foster care, but still the issues from her abuse persist.
Congrats. I know it was a long, hard road to get here. And there may be times when you look back and think that turned out to be the easy part. We all have our moments. What you are doing is so worth it. One less kid aging out of the system is a miracle in and of itself. Best of luck to you.