new sibling placement

Wednesday afternoon, I was literally putting kids on the bus at an elementary school, and by 4 pm had a sibling set show up at the house. They are from a neighboring county. 7 yr male, 3 yr old male, and an 11 mo female. Neglect case. Apparently a 3 bed home is hard to find. This is only my 2nd rodeo, so here we go. I had 2 different workers tell me separately that I should attend court hearing monday that precedes our placement meeting. They both said there is information that I might miss out on that I might want to know about this case, if I don't attend. I will be riding with my RC worker to attend Monday morning. I think each child has a different father. There don't seem to be any signifigant health problems to speak of so far, except for severe speech impediments in both boys. I cant understand the little guy at all. I just keep guessing out loud what he wants until he nods his head. 3 boys in my house has made for a rough and tumble weekend. Whew, my older kids are girls, they were much calmer at this age. These boys have been left to fend for themselves out in the sticks...barefoot. Little guy had huge splinters in both of his feet that I got out while he slept the first night. His feet are as calloused as a grown mans. Big guy has no respect for toys or things like bikes and personal items. I anticipate damage to the house and our stuff. that being said they have already made progress on adjusting to our house rules. All of them have mosquito and chigger bites all over them, and lots of scrapes and bruises. They need rest, TLC and structure so we can all function together. The uncertaintly of how long we have to help everyone adjust is frustrating, but I guess playing it by ear is all you can do. I wonder what I'll learn in court on Monday...

Update- well... Mom is still married to older boys dad. Mom and both Dads have had multiple arrests, and Mom and boyfriend (father of youngest 2) have had positive drug screens for Meth. They have blown 2 prevention plans, initiated when neighbors reported younger boy wandering woods around home by himself in a tshirt and diaper barefoot. Police called when Mom threw paternal GM THROUGH the front storm door. on first prevention plan...then later found in the home after implementation of 2nd prevention plan at GM house where Moms visitation was supposed to have been DCBS supervised. Any hoo... Older boys dad gets separate unsupervised visitation ( I get to meet up with hime to p/u) while Mom and boyfriend will have supervised visitation barring they can get transportation from another county. None of the trio -Mom, boyfriend, Gm are gainfully employed or had a car prior to the day of court. boys are on disability for speech problems-thats why they dont encourage them to speak correctly or push them to get speech at school. We are doing nightly calls to both sets of parents-it has been fairly disruptive, if it continues to be-we will be asking to reduce this to onlly Sunday nights. We are calling at 730 & 745-right in the middle of bath, homework, bedtime snack routine. when the water works start-it takes almost an hour to get everyone calmed down again.Older guy may eventually go to his own Dad until Mom completes her plan, or Dad makes a move to get custody away from her. Then we will just have the two. Mom said on phone the other night- that maybe they will go home just before Christmas.

Wow nightly phone calls have th ebe rough especially as it just sets off the kiddos. Our kiddos are older but they are doing 2 times a week phone calls which we generally initiate. Mom was calling every day for the first couple of weeks but it tapered off. Good luck!

Right in the middle of trying to get the new guys settled my son has come down with strep throat. I'm thankful for my older child who can drive to help me out. We will have been at pediatrician 3x this week by tomorrow.I'm praying that the visit goes well tonight, and that everyone else stays well.

Now that they have had their first visit, the call last night was shorter, and we were still in bed by 8:30. We have a short gap of getting home, getting fed, homework for 3 kids, baths for usually 3 of 5...thats an hour a piece for each activity. We have also learned that if they go to bed earlier than 8, they are up a 5 am! (which is too early for our house-because thats MY hour to get up and get ready) I feel like accomplishing all of that before 8:00 is MORE THAN an acceptable time frame-considering they are at picked up from school, daycare and after school programs and home by 5pm (by me). I really don't know how any single person could accomplish it by themselves in a lesser time frame, especially if the last 30 min is a phone call! Last nights calls where about 7 min a piece...much better than the 30 min+ of the first couple of nights.Alot of fosters are superheros (of sorts) people keep telling me-hearing that, I'm require myself to keep to realistic self expectations, or I won't keep the motivation to carry on. So far so good.

Kids mom had court for legal charges, and was sentenced to 9mos in jail. She and younger kids dad chose to lie to the kids and say she was in Rehab after about the 3rd day of them begging to speak to her during our nightly calls. Apparently the jail phone will only let mom call out 7 min at a time. Dad chose to 3 way phone call mom into our nightly call-and because they now have limited contact-have been ignoring the kids as they talk, and talking OVER them about adult things during the kids time on the phone. On the 2nd night of this, 7 yr old overhead the fact that mom was in jail and not rehab, we had a cry and wail fest for more than an hour after the phone call...on 3rd night Mom is paniky crying and wailing and woe is me-ing out loud to kids about being in jail and how sad she is-dad says please don't make the kids cry again, then they go at it fussing at each other...I took the phone and said, we can't have this kind of behavior-it upsets the kids, they can't sleep, they wake up tired and grumpy for school-it has to stop. Mom got disconnected, and somehow it also disconnected dad too-we just didn't call back...we had another night of crying and wailing kids. I spoke to social worker who says moms calls to kids need to be supervised by dcbs and dads calls will go to just Sunday nights. The last 2 nights have been much better. Dad is a guy who blames all his problems on others, and still is...at visit pickup, he blamed mom and tried to convince me to call him anyway. I said, we'll just try it THIS way for a while and see how the kids do. I'm sure mom is sad, but from listening to her speak she is still just sad over getting caught, and hasn't accepted responsibility for her actions in her own mind.7 yr old has separate Dad who is "supervising" a birthday party visit today with the younger kids dad and gm. Baby girl turns 1 today. They get a 4 hr visit-we are taking our 8 yr old out for us time to see a movie. I hope they all play nice and don't upset the kiddos. I think 7 yr olds dad will get approved to take him soon, and we will be left with the younger two.A couple of nights after Mom was put in jail-younger dad took a road trip with friends to hit the bars and go play in adult bouncy houses-he seems to be really tore up about losing his girlfriend and kids... Talking to the parents really gives you a feel for them I can tell you. Can't afford his 2x weekly $25 each parenting classes, but can go out drinking, and a hotel room, and ... maybe at some point the "break from the kids" feeling will wear off, and they will miss them. Their actions are speaking louder than their words right now if you ask me. I guess that was a little bit of a rant. At my house our motto is- don't tell me, show me. Don't use false words-show me how you feel, or show me your intentions through your actions. Words only go so far.Ok I'm done. Whew. This set of parents is interesting.

Wow! Just want to add: expect damage, damage and more damage! Also expect things to disappear; so me will reappear, some won't. But (depending on the outcome), they realize what they've done. Also, if there are phone calls when mom is released, you may want to try Saturday. This way, if there are any lingering feelings or anger, they can deal with it on Sunday and not in school.

Since the birthday visit the family visits have continued to be supervised by older boys dad. This past Saturday at pickup, I smelled that the supervising parent had been drinking during the visit. Informed my RC worker, who email everyone else...I anticipate the visits will be changing soon. I don't think older dad has his license right now due to dui, and younger dad and his mother have to be supervised...it will probably go back to two separate visits on different days. Court happened "ajudication hearing?" I couldn't attend. Worker says there are alot of people involved with their case-meaning many people would have to give testimony,and that the hearing would take a while. We had Drs appts for kids, and then didn't have sitter for everyone. I told her we are good to keep on keeping on, I just need time to plan for Christmas if we are still gonna have them. Worker promised me kids would be here through the holidays, so I can start planning for gifts for them. I hope I can hold her to her word.BAby girl has been very sick with bronchitis-hubby gone on hunting vacation out west-its all me this week. Trying to get house pulled together for home visit by social worker tonight. I'm wore out, but we are getting everything taken care of. 5 children in the house make for a very busy morning routine. IDK if anyone is following us, but sometimes it just feels good to have a place to put this all out there and hope that someone can relate.

I like hearing how others people's cases are going. I enjoy following along with how everyones littles are doing so please do keep posting

Whew that sounds like a lot. That family sounds like a mess.

I'm following...

We continue to carry on with this very active group. I have had to hire help with housework-mostly laundry. Laundry for 7 is tough. Baby girls ears don't want to heal, and the bronchitis lingers. I beleive she will need tubes in her ears if they don't clear up. Everyone is having dentist visits and behavior and speech therapy visits are happening at school. The honeymoon is over, and more and more attitude and opinions, and experiences are coming out of the woodwork. We are doing 2 phone calls a week to younger kids dad-who now has the ok to 3 way Mom again. We call older dad nightly. I worry about learning disability and borderline IQ with 7yr old. We are pursuing adhd eval and then on to cognitive testing I hope-in order to get him the extra help that he needs.Occasionally younger dad will ask to speak to me-I listen as he laments about wanting to leave the kids Mom. He tells me older boys dad lives with a sex offender-so his home did not get approved to receive him. No one of the lot of them has a job or relliable transportation. There have been a couple missed weekly visits by each parent. He says judge tells him one time frame, and caseworker tells him something else. At this point I hope to have these guys until we get some of their health needs resolved for them, and get to show them a nice Christmas.I will need a vacation when this is all over and done with. I believe the younger kiddos will eventually return to Dad. Older boy may be with us well into the summer-unless something unforseen happens. I say this because Mom is supposed to be incarcerated until July, and his dad is pretty unmotivated. He has no drivers license, no job, and will have to find a new place to live-and someone else with which he can share living expenses-since currently the only person that will allow him to live with them is his sexual predator cousin...whew! I assume that having income is a requirement to receive the kids back into the home...? I keep dreaming of a quiet warm beach-reading a book next to my 17 yr old-who has been a tremendous help. She will have separation problems with baby girl when it comes to be that time. The holidays feel pretty overwhelming right now. My poor hubby has been fabulous too. We knew this would be work, but still shake our head at how much. I don't think I will do 3 all at once again if I survive this.We have signed the kiddos up for the angel tree at church-I hope that comes through well. The amount of food and supplies we go through in a week is just nuts. 22 bucks a day-doesn't cover it all folks if anybody is wondering. The two small guys have grown through a size in clothes already, so we are already buying the next size up. Big guys is now eating fruits and veggies, so he has actually come down a size,but still fits the things we got originally.Big guy has stolen some money from my 17yr old. We caught it, and he returned most of it. He has taken my sons toys to school to trade with other kids, and he has started going through drawers. We have suffered a broken oak dining chair, a torn down folding door, and a curtain and rod have come crashing down. But damage has been less that I expected it COULD be.THis has been a very tiring experience. I know the parents have more lessons to learn about responsibility before they are ready to receive these guys back. They need to know how to give these kids rules, and the kids are learning how to follow them (from me). I pray the parents turn into people that the kids will respect enough to follow the rules they are given when the time comes. Seeing small steps in learning things like compromise and sharing and manners-make me want to cry because of how hard I've had to struggle with them to just get a please and thank you out of them. Wow thats a book-sorry folks. I don't get on here much anymore-honestly its just when I get a notification from the thread, but apparently it was time to vent again.

At visit this past Thurs younger dad told me the Dec court date was r/s for today. I called him just before going to pickup kids for the day, so we could talk before kids were around, to see how the court date went. He said it was cx, but that he found that out when caseworkers, a cop, and a drug test person showed up at his house to drug screen, and count his pills-apparently he is on several due to a severe injury-and the meds are being monitored. Said they found a loose pill in his pill box and he is introuble, because it its a schedule 4 drug that he isnt prescribed. Idk what to think of how that will affect everything. He mentioned court was r/s due to his case being the only one on the docket... He usually focuses on completeing his classes as if that is the only indicator he must complete before getting the kids back. I'm sure he will have to have job, and etc too. I'm still green, so I don't know what is expected, vs what really happens before a reunification. Spoke to mom last night who said her court is early december for her drug issues, and she is hoping to get assigned to a residential drug/rehab program so she can begin visits with the kids again. Makes my head sping to hear all of the different versions of the same story that I get. Caseworkers think she will be in jail until July...THEN go into rehab...then start on rest of her plan.We are staring therapy next week for older guy, and awaiting consult for tubes in ears on baby-going tomorrow to consult to repair 3 yr olds bottle mouth front 4 teeth. My housekeeper bailed on my today, so hubby helped me knock out a good portion of laundry for 7. Trying to keep all of my medication documentation straight for the poor baby and her coctail of morning meds for the bronchitis! I'm a little brain dead today. My adult children either work, or are going different directions on thanksgiving or both. I'm not gonna do any black friday shopping that is worth carrying these guys around-gonna send hubby out into the trenches. Please somebody say prayers that wish me continued patience and sanity during the holidays. I hope these parents get it together. The kids are starting to get attached to us despite all of our rules for them, I see more each day the kinds of things that they missed out on from non engaged parents- i want to bring the parents into my house and let them watch me parent-so they GET it, and can take them home. The kids are looking forward to our Thanksgiving meal together...3 yr old will say Hi to dad-I love you-and then look at me and say "im done talking". It makes me sad.

This is such an unfortunate situation, but I applaud the job your are doing. I have a question: you said that the children are starting to get attached to your family despite your rules. Would you mind sharing what rules your family has implemented? I am pursuing an adoption license in my state, but we've made the decision that if we are not placed within a year or so, then we would go ahead and complete our foster care license. Fostering terrifies us a little, not because of the kids getting attached to us, but us getting attached to them; so I would love to know how a current foster parents manage the attachment issue. Thanks! Monica

Monica-Their biggest frustration with us (the kids) is that they had NO rules at their house...We require manners, and no cursing, and sitting still, and putting your plate away and putting your toys away. I don't think they had working toys-bcause no one would ever show them how to operate them, or "PLAY" with them-so they smashed all toys when they first got here. They would go outside without asking permission. Open cabinets, get food, get into stuff we have put away like camera equipment-craft supplies-anything-you name it-opened drawers and took out whatever they could find and ruined it. Turns out no-one has spent any time with them saying -this is this, and this is what it is used for-please don't break it-we can make some pretty cool stuff with it. We now have the rule-"IF no one has shown you a thing and actually SAID you can play with this-DONT TOUCH IT" they still have trouble with not touching stuff. We have had to lock up lots of stuff. They NEED to be engaged actually doing a parent lead project-or they get bored and start getting into stuff. They can't sit still to watch a disney movie even. Always have to be engaged. Of course this is tiring to us as parents-because our brain never gets any downtime. I recommed a project table for play dough, dry erase boards, puzzles, games-that is separate from your main dining table-because it will always be covered in a project. We have an 8 yr old son that was adopted at birth-it took us 4 months to get a match through our previous agency-they front loaded foster care training to get it in-and then moved on to private adoption info-so we got the first part of foster parent training just before we adopted back then-and decided maybe we would try it later-so here we are. That was in another state though.Good luck- fostering is frustrating- its NOT just teaching the good manners you want your child to have-its almost like de-programming BAD info before you can move on to the good stuff. Its not knowing what is going on in court cases-or getting bits and pieces of other peoples "UNDERSTANDING" of what is going on-get my drift? Its guessing about how to plan for back to school and holidays and vacations. Hubby took a separated vaca so he could see his family-Lord knows when the rest of us will get one-vacation for 7 is alot more expensive than vaca for 4.Im starting to get a feel for the love the fosters will have for us-its very similar to that of a step parent-they don't loose love for their original parent just because they can also love us. today 3 year old wanted hugs and kisses at dropoff from daycare for the first time. SO, in my mind-if they go back to that parent they love-they also get to take the love we gave them BACK with them. It really isnt a total loss-love you can take with you. Thats how I'm gonna have to think about it-to survive it.