Cohabiting with both biological and adoptive mothers.

For some years now I've started reconnecting with my biological family. We now talk frequently and it feels nice. The problem is, I feel I can't connect with my adoptive mother anymore. And this is something very hard to handle. There's some background that feeds this feeling. For example: When I was almost 6 years. My birth mother asked me if I wanted to move back to her house. She was quite open to it. Only if I was sure if I really wanted it. Knowing that, my adoptive mother told me that if I moved back she would stop loving me, that she would never speak to me again and if she saw me on the street, she would turn her face away and move away. I was almost 6, it had a colossal effect on me. This episode among other things like it, have been pilling up and now the result is: I can't stand being in the same place with her, she doesn't recognize any of her negligence and she can't see me as her son, but someone who has to please her, who has to help her in all problems, some who has to fix the stuff she creates, etc. I feel like I have/need to detach myself from her, but the weigh of the moral guilt, the social expectations, everything is very strong. Our chats are "robotic", just casual check in. I hate that I am 34 years and still struggling with all of this.

Sounds like your adopted mother reacted terribly to something that probably hurt her terribly. I can not imagine my kid coming to me at 6 saying he no longer wants to live with me or be my son. It would break my heart. Not to mention it is basically an adoptive parents worst nightmare with the child knowing his biological family.I can't speak to the rest of it but the specific example you gave I have some sympathy for her on. (not that she should have ever said what she did but I can only imagine how much that would hurt)

I do understand that she might have feel hurt or even threatened, sure. I giver her that. But you don't say that to a child. Specially your son. It might hurt you, but what she did was to put on a 6 years child a weight that shouldn't be to start.I stayed with her but it wasn't a choice, it was a result of a colossal emotional blackmail.

I agree whole heartendly what she said/ did was wrong. No doubt. However I also think your bio mom was wrong to ask you at age 6 to move back with her. If you were adopted she did not have the right to do that.

Both mothers were wrong but your biological mother didn't think of the woman who adopted and raised you until you were 6. She's the reason a lot of people want closed adoptions.

You made me think in a different way on this. Thanks.The fact is my birth mother didn't had much say in "giving me away", so I understand the fact that she wanted her son back, but what you said make sense as well.thanks!!

You're right. If I understand it clearly, a closed adoption would prevent lots of legal stuff.Which is wasn't my case.Thanks for your input, it helped a lot!

A closed adoption certainly makes life easier for the adoptive parents, but for the child? I'm not convinced. An open adoption can be as simple as birth and adoptive parents knowing each others identities. It absolutely does NOT have to mean co-habiting, co-parenting, or co-anything else. Adoptive parents hold ALL the power once the paperwork is finalized, at least until the child is of age, so I'm puzzled by the persistent myth that an open adoption means that birth parents have any rights -- at all.

In my case I know my birth family since I was little. The used to live close to my house. I guess no adoption case is easy, but living next to your birth family, playing with yours siblings during the day but then, in the end, I would go to my house and them to theirs, etc, didn't make my case easier.But I hate the fact that I'm 34 years and still struggling with this!

I met my siblings when I was young and, yeah, it was hard when they all went home with their/my/our mother and I was left behind. I'm 58, and I still struggle knowing that some of my siblings were kept and I wasn't, but I'd rather KNOW my information than be in the dark about who I am and where I come from.

I know the felling. Why was I "chosen" to be adopted and not any other of my siblings. Why me? And why only me? I recently discovered that my biological father (with his severe problems of alcoholism) refused to recognized me as is son. He accused my birth mother to have cheated on him. So he decided that I wasn't his so he didn't want me. That I'm assuming was the main reason why. But until today I don't know by any of my mothers. Since that I no longer live in the same country as them it makes harder to have a conversation with them. But it has to happen in a near future.