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Since M had her meltdown 7 and a 1/2 weeks ago (the first one in six months), we've had more problems than when she FIRST came to live with us. In the first three weeks of school, she was put on behavior probation for kicking, pushing and violent verbal outbursts, suspended (just one week later), then "invited to withdraw" from school. She has been to the Emergency Room twice for severe escalation and just came home today from a 5 day inpatient psychiatric stay.
What is shocking about the latter is that M admits she LIKES being in inpatient care. Everything about it makes her feel better, from the rigid schedule to the forced camaraderie with other patients to the various group therapies (all designed to get and keep her stable vs. making any demands for her to deal with her personal trauma). If she could have her dog, she would be happy to just live there. I wish we could run our home like a behavioral health ward. I guess for a long while...for a year...we were pretty close to it. Then...enter well meaning parental advice.
Our neighbors, friends, even her therapist thought we micro-managed her too much. Who puts their kid on a schedule in the summer?! Unfortunately, we listened to the advice this time, particularly when it came from her therapist. We let her have more unstructured time. We tried the "ignore bad behavior and praise the good" approach. Her therapist likened it to watering the flowers, not the weeds. I think we can say with some authority now that, in our house, you see a weed, you better pull it or pretty soon there will be nothing BUT weeds left.
But that wasn't the only problem.
The new school was too big. The pressure of so many potential new friends (and juggling them) too great. So her pediatrician upped her anxiety meds. This had exactly the OPPOSITE effect of calming her down. It was during the process of weaning off this drug and beginning a new medication that her mood became so volatile we got to know the valet parking attendants at the Children's ER on a first name basis. In inpatient care, they adjusted her anxiety meds again and added Abilify to help with irritability and rages. So far, so good.
We picked her up today and, at her request, took her straight to her *new* new school, this one about 1/4 of the size of the one from which she was invited to withdraw. At the new school, she has her own cubicle which has her over the moon. She gets a "personal bubble." There are also only 19 kids in the combined 6th and 7th grade class. All core subjects are taught in one classroom on a highly individualized curriculum. I think it is what she needs. I KNOW it is the only option left to us right now.
I am spitting mad at the school we are leaving. They knew her DX before she enrolled. They knew she needed a quiet place to calm down when she got aggravated. They knew she was easily embarrassed and had a severe social disability. They let a group of boys tease and taunt her...which led to behavioral probation (she pushed them when they cornered and surrounded her at her locker, but *they* did not get physical), then called her out for sitting on a desk in front of a boy she liked...which embarrassed her and led to a mouthy show of disrespect towards the teacher that called her out, then, instead of letting her calm down in a dark room (which is how we suggested they deal with outbursts) they called in the Dean and the Principal and, together with the teacher who she disrespected, they proceeded to flex their authority and demand she show them the respect they are due..which led to total insanity.
I KNOW that M can push buttons like nobody's business. I know she can say things in that state of mind that will SHOCK a full grown man. But WHY didn't they just let her sit in the resource room in the dark (even if one of them sat in there with her quietly) until she calmed down enough to come out on her own? Instead they took her to the Dean's office, sat her in a corner and blocked the door with their chairs. Then, when she started being destructive (head butting, kicking) they GAVE her stuff to tear up. For M, this is pure fuel for her rage. When DH and I showed up at the school, she was like a child possessed. Nonsensical word vomit surrounded by a mountain of shredded paper. She rolled on the floor when someone tried to ask her a questions. DH and I immediately told the faculty we needed to remove her from the situation and would call when we had her calm. It took less than an hour. We said nothing to her in that time, though we did take her to her pediatrician for a med check.
This happened on a Thursday. That afternoon, the Dean called to say she should stay out of school on Friday to give everyone time to cool off. We clarified the suggestion was compulsory. She WAS in fact suspended. She accepted her suspension with grace. She planned to go back on Monday morning and behave herself, knowing full well it was her last chance. There would not be another. Next time, they would recommend expulsion.
Then we get the first call on Friday from the Dean asking if we had talked to her about appropriate behavior. And...you know there are doctors that can help kids like her and coping skills we can teach her.... Really? I am SHOCKED? I had no freaking clue such things existed. The next call from him was a few hours later. He was concerned they might not have the resources to deal with M, and, if she is to come back, she would ALSO need to make a public apology to four faculty members AT ONE MEETING--the Dean, the Principal, the Vice Principal and the Teacher she disrespected. This, we explained, is NOT the best way to make sure M is in the right mindset to start the day and make the most of her last chance. Too bad. It must be done.
We discussed this all with M, and again, she agreed, so the Dean called back. She would, in addition to apologizing, need to publicly state that she will "come under the authority" of the school admin. To our surprise, she agrees to this too. Finally the Dean calls back again and flat out tells me if she were my daughter, he would put her in a school more equipped to handle her anger. And then invites us to withdraw, stating she will otherwise be expelled at the very first show of even minor disrespect. In no uncertain terms, they will be looking for a chance to expel her
So instead of going to school that Monday, we went to tour new schools. She did NOT want to go to another school, so, predictably, she did not interview well. Feeling we may have no choice but to send her to public school, we took her there to pick up the registration packet. From there, after a suicidal rant, we took her to the ER. The first time. Five days, one psychiatrist and two therapist visits later, we were back at the ER again. By the next day, she was admitted.
I can only hope that the new school will be a better fit. That the new meds will be a better fit. And that despite the fact that she thrived in the institutional setting the hospital provided, that having her dog here with her will be incentive enough not to get herself readmitted!
Last update on October 1, 5:29 pm by HarmonyBlue.
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I am sorry that M's school handled it so badly. Honestly it sounds like the school was the true precipice of this new meltdown and had it been headed off correctly as you advised it would not have gotten that far. Might be a blessing in disguise to get her out of there. I think the new school sounds promising. As for being too quick to pull weeds. I agree with you. My kids are constantly testing right now to see if I will let them get away with things. The stricter I am the more they blossom, because weeds choke flowers!
Does M have an IEP?? If so, what does it state in her IEP as to how they are to respond if and when she has an outburst? If the school did not follow her IEP that is a huge issue....
As for all the 'well meaning' people offering advice--- frankly they have no freaking clue what they are talking about-- until they live with a child who has major emotional meltdowns and becomes violent as well they are not qualified to even open their mouth to speak on the subject. I have met so many so called therapists who spout whatever the PC mode of treatment may be but when it comes down to it, they have no idea what they are talking about or what it is to have a child who has these types of issues. Speaking from my own experience, it is like living with a time bomb-you know it's going to go off, but you don't know when. You also know when it does there is going to be a major amount of aftermath. If these people have not lived with this in their own home, their opinions on what the proper way to handle the situation or respond to it is meaningless. Really some of the advice I have received is laughable---- like the therapist who told you to 'water the flowers, not the weeds"---yeah, if it was that easy there would not be a single person in the world dealing with the behavioral / emotional / mental health issues that some of us have had to deal with on what is often a daily occurrence.
You and your DH have been with M long enough to know what works for her and what can help her when you sense she is on the verge of a meltdown. My suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing-- be open to hearing ideas from others, and if their suggestion is something that may work for her, try it. And if it doesn't apply, let it fly. You live with M on a daily basis-- there is not one person, therapist, teacher, counselor who knows her better than you.
Hang in there....I know it is tough-I've been there too and frankly sometimes you just feel like you've been hit by a freight train when a major meltdown happens. But you just pick yourself up and keep moving and doing what you know to do.
She does not have an IEP. The private school options in our area do not offer that. We would have to go to public school in order to get her an IEP and we are trying at all costs to avoid that. We have her scheduled down to the half hour, and she is doing really, really well so far at home. Her first two days at school were great, but we''ll really see next week if it is going to work out.
I have had 3 kids who have had IEPs-- for anyone reading this who is not aware, IEPs are not just for mentally challenged students. They are for 'gifted' students, students in need of physical accommodations, and students who have emotional/behavioral issues as well. Two of my kiddos have been in 'emotional support classrooms' which are typically classrooms with maybe a dozen or so kids- sometimes less- and there are generally support staff in the room along with the teacher. I have seen classrooms where there were 12 students and one teacher and three support staff so the student/teacher ratio is 3:1. Do you feel that something like a small size class coupled with a IEP geared toward emotional support for M would be appropriate or good for her? Sometimes the students spend their entire class day in the same class room and sometimes they are mainstreamed into the reg. classes with the other students. Typically as time goes by they slowly mainstream the student at the student's own pace.
I've never had a student who went to a private school ---I wonder if not being able to accommodate an IEP is specific to your general area or if that is pretty standard nationwide for private schools. In public schools as I am sure you are aware school staff sometimes are hesitant to implement an IEP for students because of the cost involved, but it is the law so whether they are hesitant or not it makes no difference. If M had an IEP for emotional support/behavioral issues by law they would have to accommodate her. If M were part of your local school system and had an IEP the local school district would have to find school placement for her if they felt that the local school was not an appropriate setting for her. They would also have to provide transportation for her. It is also possible that if they were absolutely unable to find an appropriate school setting for her they would have to send a teacher to your home to work with her- I do know of other kids who have ended up doing this.
I do feel sorry for M- as I am sitting here typing this I am thinking how difficult it must be for her to go through all this. Being 'invited to withdraw" and changing schools has to be a blow to her fragile emotional state right now. As you said the principal basically put you on notice that they would be 'laying in wait' for her to make a slip up and show even one iota of disrespect before they would expel her. Gee, no pressure there!! Obviously M is under a lot of stress-----speaking from my own experience, so are you and DH.
I wish you all well in your search for an appropriate, supportive school environment for her.
Last update on October 5, 12:20 pm by tygerlilyzz.
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Gifted services via IEP depends on the state. When I lived in New Mexico, Gifted Ed fell under the SPED umbrella. Where I am now, it doesn't.
Private schools, generally, aren't required to accept or follow IEPs, and SPED students don't have the same protections (e.g. no Manifestation hearings prior to expulsion). However, the smaller class sizes often are sufficient to meet the needs of the "normal" SPED kid. That doesn't necessarily follow for kids with behavioral issues, and the drawback is that, unlike a public school, kids can be "asked to leave" at any time.
I hope you're able to find the right place for M -- I know how frustrating this is for all of you.
If we end up having to go public school, we will get her set up with an IEP straight away. But we live in a small town so options are self-contained classroom or alternative school. Putting her in a regular classroom setting would be a recipe for disaster, and the more time she spends with non special-needs kids, the more opportunity for her walls to come back up, for her to be bullied and for her to lash out verbally and physically in the face of frustration.
So far the new school is wonderful. She is in a class of 20 students, combined 6th and 7th grades. The VP has 4 adopted children and was a foster parent prior to adoption, so she has some knowledge of the kinds of triggers that can set M off, though she adopted younger "normal" kids from foster care...whatever that means...?
I have some reservation about the curriculum. It is an ACE school (Accelerated Christian Education) which have been widely criticized for indoctrinating youth with outdated fundamental Christian ideals and being inferior academically to other educational curriculum. With that said, it has a LOT of advantages when it comes to M's learning style.
Self instructional (the kids work out of workbooks and move on only when they have mastered the subject) means less teacher interaction except when the students ask for help, and since M hates hates hates being helped when she does not ask for it, she loves this. Individualized curriculum means she is getting caught up on concepts like grammar and sentence structure which she is several years behind on and able to work on advanced Math and Science without having to be "skipped" into classes with kids who are more advanced socially. Positive motivation means she gets rewarded for practically every thing she does right and incentivized like crazy. She wants those trophies, dress down days, ice cream outings, etc. every Monday and will work her butt off to get them. Being in a combined 6th/7th grade classroom means she has some younger peers which are more on her emotional level. And cubicles! Every student works at their own little cubicle which is her favorite thing about the whole school. She gets her own bubble. I worried that she would have an issue with the Christian curriculum, but she told us yesterday she really likes the way they teach the Bible.
I am not too worried about the indoctrination objection. We talk very openly in this family about all kinds of religious and political beliefs and I "screen" her workbooks for any questionable material so we can discuss it before she learns it. We have made it clear she does not have to believe everything the school teaches, she only has to learn it and respect it as their belief system. The school is also fine with this rule. As for the educational inferiority...I hate to say it, but right now a "good education" is the least of my worries. I want her to get a decent education in a setting where she can feel safe, secure and calm. Where she can develop some social skills and maybe even make a few friends.
I am too jaded to be optimistic at this point, but I really, really want to be. While she is only 4 days in, she is eager to go to school every day and even likes wearing her uniform (skirt and polo). The teachers send home daily progress reports and she got a "Fantastic!" sticker for her behavior yesterday. I'd love to see those every day! She finished her homework last night and then decided to work ahead at bedtime. It was bizarre but wonderful to see her taking her Bible in her room to actually READ it. I have been praying for a long time for M to find a faith that is right for her. DH and I are not big fans of organized religion for ourselves. In fact, DH considers himself agnostic, but I read the Hebrew Bible every night before bed and graduated from a private Christian HS. For M, I believe that believing in something bigger than herself would be a real relief.
Last update on October 6, 2:34 pm by HarmonyBlue.
What a relief to get this note from her Vice Principal this morning:
We love M already. She is fitting in great. I have a hard time remembering that she has only been here a few days. She seems very comfortable and relaxed. I believe that she is establishing relationships in the class as well. I believe [this school] is going to be a great experience for her.
Fingers crossed Friday goes as well as the rest of the week!!! I only worry because M was a regular scatter-brain this morning. Forgot her wake up time. Forgot her lunch. Forgot her weekly scripture verse at home. But got to school on time, with lunch, with her verse (we pulled it up on my phone on the way to school) and in a good mood.
Last update on October 9, 7:24 am by HarmonyBlue.
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Harmony - How have the past few weeks been at school? I have been thinking of M and hoping she found the right place for her
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I hate to say how well is going because I am so jaded now, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. But she loves the new school. She has gotten a good behavior sticker every day, most valuable student award last week, and a few other little goodies for being neat and organized, being self-motivated, etc. She went to a Halloween party last Friday and was so at ease with all the other kids (vs. hanging out with the adults which is her usual M.O.). We got to meet a few of the other parents though and were surprised to find out what M already knew. It seems we have stumbled upon a peer group that has a lot in common with M. Three of her classmates are adopted. One has a stress disorder wherein she pulls her hair out one strand at a time. One is in hiding from a domestic violence situation. Those are just the stories I learned on Friday. There are only 20 kids in M's whole class, so that is a really high percentage of quirky ones!
I walked her into class this morning and was just shocked by her behavior. She went right up to a table of kids and engaged in some friendly small talk. One complimented her jacket, and she said 'thank you.' Something so simple...you wouldn't guess what a big deal that simple exchange of pleasantries was. I have seen her respond to compliments so many times with snark (when she responded at all). I almost walked off with her backpack and made the comment "You wouldn't want that." Again, in the past, she would have taken the opportunity to make a mean comment in front of the other kids. I don't know why. A chance to elevate herself by belittling me? But not this morning. She just smiled, took the bag and said "No, that would not have been good!"
Her Vice Principal, who is also one of her room supervisors, told me she sees her smile a lot (previously not smiling has been a big complaint by most of her teachers), and that she fits in so well it is hard to believe she is a new student. She did say M got really frustrated one time last week when she did poorly on a check-up test because she didn't study enough. Her V.P. told her not to worry, she would just have to study harder next time. M told her, "Oh I will!" But was smiling and happy again by the next break a few minutes later.
So I worry. Of course, I worry. Will M take her frustration out on her teachers when she faces a difficult assignment? Is she honeymooning and eventually will deteriorate back to the state she was in at her former school? Will she say one of those completely off-the-wall things and inappropriate things--she is convinced she can perform a spell on the next full moon to turn herself into a wolf, despite never ever being the least bit interested in the supernatural until now--and be "invited to withdraw" because of it. But so far, it is really, really good! I swear the good attitude is even rubbing off at home!
Awesome update. Maybe she feels like she can really be herself now if she's no longer the "quirky one" in the room. I don't mean that offensively -- with my DS I think a lot about how hard it must be to try to catch up or keep up or fit in, when sometimes the harder you try the more you stand out. It must be exhausting. What a load off of her shoulders if she can relax a bit. So glad it's having a positive impact at home too!
Fantastic!!! Dealing with school personnel can be exasperating!!! I'm so glad she's found a place she can be safe... and you have people who are trying.. that is really great!!
Just wanted to give another quick update. I volunteered for Christmas Craft Day at the school last week. Only to be told by all M's teachers what a WONDERFUL kid I have and how proud I must be of her. I hope my shocked expression looked like pride:P. I am so glad we found this school; she fits so in perfectly there, her Vice Principal (an adoptive mom of 4) tells me its easy to forget she's a new student.
The right meds help too. M is much more in tune with her emotions since switching meds. She told me the week after Thanksgiving she was feeling "on edge" and wondered if I could help her figure out why. We talked about the stress and excitement of the holidays and how her subconscious remembers moving to new homes every Christmas even if she does not think about it often now. She even had the self-awareness to ask for her "emergency" anxiety med the morning of her school's Veteran's Day concert to calm her stage jitters.
I feel like teenage M is a much more mature, even-tempered M than pre-teen M!! She is 13 now=:o
With that said, she did have mini-meltdown tonight because we would not let her hand out Christmas cards at school without writing something inside them ("Happy Holidays, M" would be fine!) She has declared she is never ever cooking dinner for DH and me again, as tonight was her dinner night and she's mad at us for not letting her stay up past bedtime to whine about Christmas cards.
Last update on December 14, 10:33 pm by HarmonyBlue.
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I just wanted to say how I love you said she had a "mini" meltdown I remember when she first came to you and meltdowns were HUGE and left you feeling so despondant so see how much things have changed for M and how well your family is doing is such an inspiration when we go through something tough with one of our kids.
Last update on December 15, 8:54 am by AlwaysRoom4More 2.
I just wanted to say how I love you said she had a "mini" meltdown I remember when she first came to you and meltdowns were HUGE and left you feeling so despondant so see how much things have changed for M and how well your family is doing is such an inspiration when we go through something tough with one of our kids.
Thank you! Yes, every meltdown when she came was HUGE and they were so frequent...weekly, monthly. Her full-blown meltdowns are still HUGE and now that she is over 100 pounds and 5 foot tall, she does a lot more damage, but luckily they do not happen very often. This year's meltdowns happened in February, August and October. We no longer try to handle them all on our own. We made the right choice having her admitted when she was so out of control in October. She knows it, and we know it. Since then, we mostly just get ordinary teenage melodrama. BTW, she was cooperative as can be this morning finishing up the cards.
Last update on December 15, 12:20 pm by HarmonyBlue.