Back . . . After A long Time

Hi Everyone. I have been away awhile because even the amazing support here did not help with how scared I was. My FD has been with me since age 1 and was preadoptive (i.e., goal was not reunification, but termination and adoption by me) since age 2. She is now 5. All this time has been one road block and hurdle after another, with the latest being ICWA. The tribe initially had no interest, then they did, then they didnt, then they did again, and now, finally. they have decided they don't. This means that after a long delay and many court hearings, we are finally going to trial for TPR. I am an experienced foster parent and have sent kids home after 10 months, a year or so, but once a child is with you for so long (4 years) it is hard to even fathom how I would handle losing her or, worse, how she would handle losing me, the only mom she remembers. It has scared me to the point that, assuming I get to adoption, I don't think i can foster any more. This saddens me, because I could not care more about foster children. My heart breaks for them and I wish I could take all of them. But I have been through the ringer and have put my other children through the ringer (though I protect them from a lot of it) and put my parents and siblings, all of whom grow to love the kids through the ringer. ICWA is a law BADLY in need of revamping and clarification. At the moment, it is used on both sides to accomplish selfish means and does not protect the Native children in the least. Anyway, now that I see a glimmer of hope on the horizon (hope that parents rights will be terminated after YEARS of them not following their plan, hope that this endless cycle of litigation and long waits between court dates will end, hope that pointless visits with angry and confrontational Biological family members will stop) I have decided to check back in on my favorite forum and see how you all are. I am hanging in. As all good foster parents do. . . .