New here & wondering if I'm doomed?

1. Your husband is not a deadbeat. When he and his first wife divorced, he relinquished custody of his daughter, hoping to stay in her life. He paid child support -- I assume that you have documentation -- and still buys her things, even though he is no longer required to do so, because she is an adult. He would love to see her, but his ex-wife, who is her guardian because she cannot function on her own, doesn't allow it. That's not a deterrent to adoption, though I would suggest that he should have gone to court to get visitation rights, and probably would have won them.2. Your husband raised a second child who has done well, despite having Asperger's. He has a good relationship with his son. You did not mention whether your husband was married to the mother of that child, but even after the mother moved out of state, he maintained a relationship with his son. That's also not a deterrent to adoption3. Some countries, and some U.S. agencies, deny couples where a spouse has had more than one divorce. While your husband was probably not married to the second woman, some agencies and countries might see it as equivalent to a second divorce, when she ran off with another man. 4. Having two children and providing for them is not usually a big deal. However, the two "divorces" could be. Also, some social workers may want to see some documentation that he got counseling in order to help figure out why he made such poor choices of women. However, I think that it showed great courage that, to get his act together, he joined the military and made a successful career there. Many men who initially made poor life choices "straightened out" by joining the military, and I suspect that many agency professionals have met such people.5. The fact that you have had a good marriage for three years, and that he seems to have learned from his mistakes, should be a positive factor. All in all, some agencies might feel that you are likely to be good parents, although the issue of divorces could be a problem. 6. I would suggest, however, that he think about how he will answer a social worker who wants to know what he will tell an adopted child about their half-siblings, especially if the new child wants to meet them. I would also suggest that he think about how he'd answer a social worker, who wants to know why he never went to court to get permission to see his daughter. It seems to me that, if I were in his position, I'd have been filing all sorts of paperwork to gain visitation privileges that he was promised. In addition, the social worker may ask him to think about what things he did poorly in his two relationships, and what he has learned from them that are helping him to be a better husband to you, and that will help him to be a better father to a child.7. In addition, I would suggest that you get some counseling to work through your feelings of abandonment by your Dad. These feelings could color your attitudes about the birthparents of any child you adopt, whether you have an open adoption or not. Birthparents deserve respect for making the very tough decision to relinquish their biological children for adoption. And even when they have problems with alcohol/drugs, psychiatric illness, and so on, that caused their parental rights to be taken away, it doesn't mean that they don't love their children. You need to be able to accept your child's birthparents as people who made some bad life choices, but who weren't necessarily "bad" people who "abandoned" their child callously.Sharon

Thank you, Sharon. This is so helpful. I'm beyond grateful to you.I had a talk with my husband about these issues. We are not only gathering documentation of his attempts to reach out to his daughter, but we are making further attempts and looking for a counselor for us to see separately and together about these issues.I am really grateful for your thoughtful reply.

I don't think those necessarily even rise to the level of "poor life choices." Young and uninformed are definitely descriptors that come to mind. When I was completing my home study to adopt my son, and I talked to the social worker about some issues I dealt with as a young adult, she said something about those things making me more likely to be able to empathize with someone who was in a position of needing to place a child for adoption than someone who hadn't dealt with hard stuff.You didn't say what type of adoption you are thinking of. If you are considering adopting a newborn in the US, one thing to think about is agency practices (and state laws) regarding fathers. There are places that make it nearly impossible for a father to block his child from being adopted if the mother chooses to do so, and there are agencies that will skirt right up to, or cross, the legal (never mind ethical) boundaries regarding fathers' rights. While I encourage everyone to be very careful of this issue, it sounds like one that is likely to hit home more with your husband than with most people. I would encourage you, when you talk with agencies, to have some clear conversations with them about that issue. Ask what their policies are, ask for answers to hypothetical situations, ask specifically how they go about identifying fathers and terminating their right if they are not identified or have not signed consents for the adoption.