how to steer friends without showing judgement

thanks for your feedback.I'm afraid you missed my question. but that could be how it was written. i assumed people have following my 6 years in the foster/adoption care world (with 3800+ posts, there's a lot to read .. i try not to repeat background unless necessary)yes, i know my job as a parent.. I'm actually pretty darned good at it, if i do say so myselfI didn't need advice on saying "no"I was looking for people with experience with kids who were adopted older from foster careHow to balance their need to be around the sorts people they were raised around.. vs keeping the kiddos safeIf you listen to adult adoptees, one of their complaints is - adoptive parents dismissing who the adoptee WAS and trying to mold them into who they should be. As adoptive parents we (too often) reject much of the adoptee's identityWhile we do it with good intent (after all, if the old world was perfect, they'd still be living it), if we do so carelessly, we risk harming the adoptee's self esteemIts the balance - understanding how we can respect their roots without judgement vs keeping them safeEither way, this is a month old post.J and her friend went together - chaperoned by a mom i trust. They were the only 2 kids who showed up for the party. it turned out to be an excellent opportunity to discuss several related decisions with my DD (bullying, self esteem, being a good friend, older siblings, etc)