Advertisements
Not sure if this is the right place for advice but also not sure where else to go. My husband was adopted at birth. He has had his issues with it and I have always known he felt an empty space not knowing where he came from. Decided to take it upon myself to look for his birth parents after many discussions with him about it but no action on his part (stereotypical man). Well it took me all of 10 minutes to find his mother and it turned out she lived in the town next to ours. I told him and he immediately wanted to meet her and she felt the same. Since that day he has become completely obsessed with his birth parents. He brought her to our house to meet our children after only one day and without discussing any of it with me. And had her over every single day for well over a month as well as texting and phone calls non stop. Obsessive behavior. The issue is that i cannot stand the woman. She never grew up, is in her 50s living home with her parents, smoking pot out her bedroom window, is loud and obnoxious and rude. Clearly knows i do not like her but continues to overstay her welcome in my home. Is starting major problems in my marriage. She is more concerned with being my husbands friend than anything else. She thinks his drinking problem is funny. As a mother i do not want her around my children at all. She is a bad influence. Even after she sees that i stock my house with organic low sugar snacks she brings my kids candy every time she comes to visit. Does nothing to discourage my husbands drinking problem, just tells him how perfect and wonderful he is. Not sure how to handle this because i have never known anyone else who was adopted or gave a child up for adoption.
Like
Share
Oh my... this does not sound like a good situation. I am not a professional and can only give you my thoughts...First I will say I am glad they both have had the opportunity to meet each other as it probably helps with the curiosity part of adoption. Sounds like they are both eager to know each other better and possibly be a part of each others lives.. in some ways that can be good.. but not so much in other ways. Given that the BM is choosing to lead her life the way she does, would be concerning for me too as a mother to have her around my children.. so I get what you are saying. You want a better example of grown up responsible behavior around your children. I thought maybe when you said that your hub and his BM were calling, texting.. having a lot of involvent in each other lives... well I though maybe they were making up for lost time. But from what I also pick up on... and don't know for sure... it sounds like you husband might either have a drinking problem or is drinking in a manner that is concerning for you and your marriage. If she too is not behaving in a responsible manner and if he is not being responsible in the marriage as a spouse (meaning drinking is a problem and it is not not resolved).. whew... that can really be bad. Because if it is a problem and he does not see it as a problem.. either by denial or part of an addiction like alcoholism.. Then having someone irresponsible around that is not discouraging the behavior is only feeding both of them. She gets to be a buddy making her feel good about herself and that would help to encourage him to continue, what was most likely a problem before they even met each other. Again I am not a therapist or doctor.. but I am a mother, have dealt with mother in laws, am a mother in law myself now.... I also was previously married to an alcoholic that did not make his marriage or family life a priority. I have also dealt with grandmas of my kids and mother in laws and I not seeing eye to eye. So I see a bad situation only getting worse if this continues. Not saying that they should not have contact with each other, if that is what they both want... But there needs to be some type of counseling to what would make it a healthy relationship for everyone all around. You can't always pick your family (whether by adoption or genetics) and sometimes family members will butt heads with personality differences. You know grandparents don't always tell grandkids "no" or discipline them like parents do... and many MIL's and DIL's don't see the son/ spouse the same. So it can and commonly does create some wrinkles in a family or in a marriage. But throw alcohol and an someone who is somewhat of an enabler into the situation it can and most likely will get worse. It might be good for you and your husband to get some type of counseling to work through what seems to already be an issue .. the drinking. And also some type of family counseling for all three of you.. to work through making a new relationship with a new family member start off as a healthy one for All Of You. I do wish all of you the best and hope you can all grow together as a family. That's not always easy. But if everyone puts effort into it.. it can be done.
Advertisements