Help - Brother is 28 and does not know he's adopted but suspects

Hi All, I'm new to the forums - thank you so much in advance for your helpful responses. My brother is 28 years old and doesn't know he's adopted, although he has had a feeling that he is for years now. Our parents have never told him - I'm guessing because they wanted him to feel the same as me. Our parents told me a number of years ago but I have been keeping it secret and have always denied that he is adopted whenever he has asked or mentioned how other people have said we don't look alike, etc. I've not told him because my parents didn't tell him for so many years it worries me what he will think if we tell him the truth now so late in his life. It has gotten to the point now, though, where he has gotten suspicious to the point that I feel we will need to tell him eventually. I don't know how and when to do it, though, and I am worried about the effect it will have on him. Will he be hurt? Will he be angry at having been deceived by us for all these years? Our relationship is good now - how will it change once he knows? Will it make him reevaluate the last many years and how each of us have treated him? Will he distance himself from us? Will it destroy his self confidence? Will he feel lost? Has he not gotten genetically tested (which I know is easy to do) to find out the truth because he is holding on to the hope that he is not adopted? Is he worried that I, his brother, do not know he's adopted and that if I find out I may not care about him as much anymore? These are just a few of the myriad questions running through my mind. I love my brother and have always thought of him as my brother - the fact that he's adopted has never taken anything away from that. He is on such a good path now that I'm afraid of rocking the boat, but I also feel like he has more and more of a desire to know the truth and it feels wrong to continue denying it as he grows older and learns more and more evidence that he is likely adopted. I'd greatly appreciate any insight you may have into how to best handle our situation (how to tell him, in what setting, what to say, etc.) - whether you're an adopted child, adoptive parent, or otherwise. Thank you very, very much. - Jim

Yes, I think you do have to tell him. And yes, I think he will probably be very angry. I'm sure your parent's were doing what they thought was best when your brother was a child, but really they should have told him. And certainly once he asked, because now you have been actively lying to him rather than just not telling him something he didn't suspect. Of course he will be angry about that.I can't imagine why your parents thought it was OK to tell you about it and not him. It has put you in a terrible situation and that's not fair. It was not your secret and it was not your responsibility to tell your brother, although you have gone along with it and have also actively lied to him.Your parents have to tell him now and immediately give him all the information they have about his adoption and his birth family. I would suggest that you should be there too when that happens. It's going to be pretty ugly, but all you can do is say how sorry you are to have lied to him and try to support him as much as he needs/will let you. Tell him you love him and that he will always be your brother. I hope that in time he will forgive you.Just to clarify, I am not an adoptee, but am also in the situation that I know a secret that I have decided not to share for now. So I know and sympathise with the pressure you were under! But I would draw the line at downright lying: I don't think you can ever justify that.

There is absolutely no justification for your parents to have kept the adoption a secret. None.Every person deserves to know the truth of his/her own circumstances, as early as feasibly possible. Whatever your parents' reasoning, it was wrong -- and the deceit needs to stop. Now.Your parents OWE your brother the truth, and if they can't see that themselves, you need to tell them. If they refuse then, sorry, it's your responsibility as another "insider" to let him know.Trust me, the longer your parents wait, the harder it will be for your brother -- and the greater the potential for his relationship with your parents to be ruined forever.

Jim, you are very much a victim in this, yourself. You do NOT share the culpability of your parent's actions with them. Your parent's decision to keep your brother's adoption secret was a misguided decision, no doubt. But, their decision to burden you with this secret was abusive! You have the power to minimize the damage by giving your parents an ultimatum, either they tell your brother the truth or you will. Do this for your brother before anymore time passes.

The potential damage of not telling their child they were adopted far outweighs the potential damage of telling the child they were adopted. The adoption story belongs to the child, and the child has a right to know that story. When your brother finds out that he is adopted he may experience a range of emotions. These may including feeling:Angry;Stressed and/or anxious;Surprised or shocked;Confused;Curious;Excited;Down or depressed;Isolated;Embarrassed to tell others;Ashamed;Worried.He might also experience feelings about his adoptive parents, including appreciation, betrayal, unease or anger. I have heard of adoptee's committing suicide after they were told late in life that they were adopted. I would suggest researching it first.