Unique situation and need feedback

I think you have two different issues: telling your child about being adopted, and attending the funeral.You can get a better perspective from adoptees on these boards (try cross-posting to the adult adoptee board) of what it is like to be in the position of finding out about being adopted. However, everything I know and everyone I have talked to says that it is not a good idea to wait until a child is older for them to know that they are adopted. That is something that completely rocks someone's world. Imagine going your whole life (to whatever point) believing one thing about yourself and who you are and never having it contradicted, only to have someone tell you that what you believed to be true isn't. It would probably make you question all the other things you had been told as well and feel like a huge violation of trust. At five, your child isn't going to be able to understand everything and shouldn't know everything. But you can provide age appropriate explanations. Something along the lines of "your birth mother wasn't able to be a mom to you, so she chose us to be your parents instead" with whatever else applies. You don't need to specifically talk about drug use, but you can talk about her not making safe/ healthy choices (5 year olds get talked to a lot about safe and healthy choices, so that should make sense). It may be harder to explain why your child was placed for adoption and the others were not. I have a 4 year old with both older and younger siblings being raised by birth parents; I try to explain that they couldn't take care of him and wanted him to have a family that could, and that later they were able to take care of babies, but it's hard (probably harder on me than him right now, because kids that age still accept things pretty easily and with not a lot of angst, while I sometimes worry too much). If you tell your about the adoption (which I would strongly encourage, in case that wasn't obvious ;)), you will also have to explain why you didn't say anything before. Even if your child does not ask, they will likely wonder, so saying that you thought it was the best thing to do, but that it's okay to feel any way about it (angry, sad, etc) gives them permission to not agree with you. You may also want to consult with a counselor who is knowledgeable about adoption to get their advice on how to proceed.Whether to attend the funeral is a very personal decision, but I would let your child be a part of that decision. Kids feel differently even at the same age, and some kids could handle and would need that, while others would not. I had a family member die recently, and my niece did not attend the funeral because she is scared of graveyards, and it was a graveside service. Some kids may not be ready to meet all the relatives in that setting. Even with a 5 year old, you can talk some of these things through. How does the birth mother's family feel about you and your child attending the funeral? It could be overwhelming for them in that situation as well, or it may be helpful. If they are not up for it, or if your child is not, maybe you and they could make another plan for your child to have an opportunity to say goodbye and to meet other family members in a less overwhelming setting. You may also not want to wait until she passes (if she does) to give your child that opportunity. If family members are open to it, and your child wants to, it could be a great gift to your child to be able to meet her/ his birth mother, even if she is not conscious. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. As much as it may bring up feelings in your child, it may bring up less than pleasant feelings for you as well, and I hope you have support to deal with whatever may come up for you. Remember that, as much as this is about your child and your child's birth mother, there are parts that are about you as well, so it's okay to deal with those and to feel whatever you may feel.

You haven't yet told the child she's adopted?!?!? =:oThat conversation is LONG overdue and needs to be held NOW. Every child deserves to know the truth of his/her identity, and you have no right to keep that information from her.

We had briefly discussed adoption in past. Adopting pets because they someone needs to care for them because the needed someone to care for them. Also, our adoption attorney made a custom adoption book for our daughter we read. We told them earlier today they were adopted. They seemed ok with it but didn't really appreciate "another mommy" true meaning.Also our kids have been to many funerals and understand they will be our special angels when they go.We are leaning towards all going as a family.

She definitely needs to be told she's adopted. Use age appropriate language. My example is: my cousin's ex-fiancé found out he was adopted when he was 37. He found out because his mother died and relatives told him he wasn't entitled to any of her money because he's adopted (we all know that's not true but you get the gist). She needs to be told so she can ask you questions about it. As for the funeral, let her decide.

I fully agree that the adoption talk...and talking, (because it should be allowed to come up from time to time as the child dictates)....should have started the day your child was brought home....but I think others have given good advice about how/what to say. Concerning the funeral.........I'm on the fence with that one. If your child isn't even yet 5yrs old, adopted or not, sometimes this is just too much. Given the fact that the child is just now being told she's adopted--that there are other children who've been born and raised by the birthmother---that the birthmother has died and---yes, I believe in being totally honest with a child who asks any questions so drugs/ abuse may be another topic for discussion.... could be just a little too much all at once???? I think IF you attend, it should be as your entire family. And, as you attend, I would be very careful not to throw too much more on your child. Sincerely,Linny