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I am here to raise an issue that seems to be overlooked all to often. What happens to a biological child when his/her parents decide to adopt and expand their family? To adopted children, they are the favorites in the eyes of the parents, but it is much more complicated than that. I am that biological child and I would like to help parents understand what might be going through their biological child’s mind throughout the adoption process. Adding another child to the family can met with anger, guilt, happiness, and confusion. What a lot of parents do not realize are the lasting effects adoptions may have on a biological child. Many children that are adopted come with certain levels of baggage, ranging from attachment issues to diagnosable mental deficiencies. Many of these symptoms may not be present initially, but begin pop up over the years post adoption. As a biological child it can be difficult to reconcile with these “issues.” I place the word issues in quotations because for a biological child it can be difficult to grasp exactly what is happening. The brain is a very fragile organ, understanding what is happening to a brother or sister at an age before taking an anatomy class can be very frustrating. This frustration comes from what things should be, but aren’t. A biological child remembers how things were before the adoption, and after – they (biological children) may strive to make things how they were, with the additive of a sibling. This expectation is what truly needs to be voiced to biological children, the moment you adopt another child, things are going to be different and they will never go back to how they were. I think that this is important for parents to grasp as well – a common mistake in adoption is believing that it is just brining another child into their life, for those of you that have already adopted, you know this is not the case. On the subject of expectation, ask yourself before an adoption, what do you expect of your biological child? Do you expect your child to help teach your future adopted child another language, to help when the family seems to be bursting at its seems? You may say, “of course not,” now, but you wont even realize how much pressure you will begin to put on your biological child to act in a certain manner, often “third parent” roles. You are a parent, one who may work all day and then have to come home and teach this new child how to speak English, or deal with them getting into drugs, or any other known complication that comes from adoptees because of earlier pre-adoption struggles. These things are not bad things, they are struggles all adoptive parents and families go through, but at the end of the day you are taking care of your new adopted child and your biological child will be expected to take care of themselves in addition to watching out for their new sibling that you have told to love unconditionally. As a parent who decides to adopt, you may have had decades to prepare yourself, dealing with societal and social issues, also raising your biological child, yet you may unexpectedly believe your biological child can deal with the same things, when they haven’t even had to deal with a pimple or dreaded high school yet. This is the favorite child balance, because if to the adoptee it seems like you are coddling your biological child to get through things, the adoptee will struggle to attach. The most difficult topic to understand is that there is no right formula, but what is important is that you have real discussions with your biological child, check in on a weekly basis, monthly at the very least to just discuss their views, and actually take them into consideration. Your biological child, whatever the age, is going through the same struggles you may, this is also their adoption and may had perspective you have never seen because you are busy working, paying bills, etc. Like I said, I am a biological child in a family of three adopted siblings, all of which are younger. If you have any questions, I am here to answer any and all of them. Over the last decade and a half, I have been witness to many of the issues all of you speak of today, but I lived them from a very different perspective.
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