Before adopting a child..

adoption doesn't make criminals.. you know what makes criminals? - neglect.. peer pressure.. economic situations.. birth defects (things like fetal alcohol syndrome can make kids impulsive,for example).. sure there are some genetic components to some risk factors to criminal behavior, but all gene pools have "bad genes... what make's your families so special?my brother was raised by his BF. he got in trouble with the law. My BIL was adopted. He became a well respected member of his community, with a wife of 30 years, a son, and a great job.my DD spent the first 3 years of her life in a flop house. Both her BPs have long rap sheets. She has fetal alcohol syndrome and was exposed to a host of drugs in utero. She is the joy of my life. There has never been a better kid. Her friend's parents are always complimenting her. Not saying she's perfect (what tween is?), but i am thankful every day that i got the opportunity to share a life with hermy FIL died on Sunday. we were told he wouldnt live to see 2010. But in Nov 2009, he took one look at my DD and decided to fight. he stuck around for 6 extra years: 2 bouts of lung cancer, colon cancer, skin cancer, prostate cancer, heart attacks, valve replacement, and shingles.. using her smile as motivationI feel sorry for any of your in laws, unwilling to take a chance on sharing their life with a kid in need of a home.

Wcurry66, very sorry for your FIL. It was a real struggle for him. He’s spent 6 wonderful years with you continuously struggling. RIPI agree with you that not all adoptees are criminals. Melannie Casse, it’s very unwise of your relatives to generalize, and moreover to beguile you out of adopting. To begin with, every case is different. Sure, there are some kids that were never welcomed by their BPs, so they suffered from uterine alcoholism and sometimes even drugs, unfortunately. Of course, it got its impact on their health when they were born. Later, as toddlers, they might experience developmental delays. Nevertheless, these kids also need homes. It’s very unlikely that you’ll adopt that very type of kid I’m talking about. There are a lot of healthy kids or kids with quite correctable disorders that are waiting for you to hug them and tell: “let’s go home”. Just want to encourage you to do whatever your heart tends to. Relative’s advice is just optional. Try to explain it to them.

you are absolutely right, we've experienced lots of treatments, but all BFN, so once I thought: possibly we were made to help someone else, my DH agreed with me. but my first reason to write here - seeking for your thoughts (incredibly grateful for every one) and also I'm looking for some obvious examples (on the Internet for example). I just want to persuade them that birth children can also suffer from some disorders, or choose the wrong way in life, this all depends on parents.so what do I want to find: maybe there are some social institutions, courses or psychological help centers, to contact online, I'd like to ask a qualified person to help me, cause I don't want to destroy family relationships, I'm affraid of their attitude to my future child. because I'm not going to give up.

Melanie, you may try visiting counselor. you'll get some proper advice.truly speaking, if i were you, or if i were at your dh's place, i would never give a damn of what relatives think.May i ask you how old are you and dh? do you live separately with his relatives? in case you adopt, how profound is interference of your relatives into your life?sorry for being nosy,just in case

Thank you all for advice. David, visiting counselor may be an option, thanks. However, my dh is too suspicious about it. I’m not sure he’ll agree. Yes, we live separately with his relatives. However, we always keep in touch and they often come to our place. Dh’s mother character is very tough. He likes to be in control of everything and she always tells his son what to do. Sometimes it seems to me that my dh doesn’t have his own point of view at all. My mother-in-law told him that we should keep on trying conceiving.How can’t she understand how painful it is when you see BFN again and again?

Oh, David, I forgot to answer your other questions. My Dh is 34 and I am 33. We know each other for already 13 years, as we studies together in college. And yes, as I’ve posted before, interference of my in-laws in our personal life is quite profound. In case we adopt, they will keep on making their own conclusions and impose their point of view. Unfortunately, my relatives live quite far from here and they are so much into our life. From the other hand, my il-laws are very supportive in financial sphere of our life. They helped us to buy a house and constantly help us in many current things that we need. So… you see… I don’t even know what to say…

I think you’d better start on getting more independent from your relatives. Your family is your family. You have to take your own decisions and no one shall interfere. This is ok that your in-laws help you financially but this doesn’t mean that because of it you have to do everything they say. It’s not natural. Try to be more independent. Don’t be afraid. If your relatives are quite sensible, they’ll appreciate any of your decisions. In any case, they’ll get used to it.

David, your words sound quite logical: no one shall interfere into the private life of a spouse. But in reality it’s very seldom like this, because we all remember where we came from and what our parents provided for us. Especially if parents keep on providing for their kids even after marriage. In case they adopt, it will also interfere their families’ lives, so they obviously have a right to have their own viewpoint. You may agree or disagree, but you anyway have to take it into consideration.

Sure, everyone has a right to have personal point of view. Not always relatives are supportive about even the idea of adoption. However, the final decision of a family shall never be grounded just on family’s attitude. When one of spouses is against adoption, it is much worse. Counseling is the best option for you. There are a few services online where you can get free psychologist’s consultation, including on adoption issues. BTW, the agency that guided our adoption process provides such service for their clients for free. In any case, be just confident in yourself, research the issue, provide your relatives with more successful adoption stories. Finally, just persuade them that you have a right for taking your personal decisions, even if no one supports you.Good luck to you, ladies.

David, I don’t absolutely agree with you in what you say. Families are different and relationships are different. Some young couples are very dependent of their parents. Counseling may be helpful, though. Could you please tell the name of the service with free psychologist’s consultations you were using? I think it might be useful for many intended adopters. Thanks.

Yes, please, I'm also interested to know. Or write me a pm, if possible.Thanks

Hi, ladies. Sure, I’ll tell you. It’s called Adomir Adoption. You may search this name on the web and you’ll find the link to their web-site. There you’ll find instructions on how to make an application. They will contact you. They have a lot of requests, so probably you’ll have to wait for a while. Anyway, they will contact you. on this service you may get free consultations on international adoption (from particular countries listed on their website) and psychologists consultations on preadoption, adoption process and parenting an adoptee. I hope this information will help.Regards

David, I’ve found their web site easily, thank you. As far as I understood, they guide adoption from particular countries (there are about nine or ten on their website) and they are based in Ukraine. Btw, there is a comparative table with requirements for international adoption in many countries. I even download it to my computer: much information is compiled in one document. I’m sure it will be helpful for us as well as for many other intended adopters. I will write more when I get a reply for them.

Dang! Original post is a bit cold blooded, no?

Every adoption experience is unique. Yes, it's true that some adoptees grow up the way you described, with emotional problems and a poor connection with their parents. That's also true of children raised by their biological families. I know many healthy, happy, well-adjusted adults who were adopted as children. I know many unhealthy, unhappy, poorly adjusted adults who were not adopted as children. I know adopted people who felt a very close bond with their parents. I know not-adopted people who did not feel a close bond with their parents. Does adoption present some unique challenges? Yes. Does every life have its unique challenges? Yes. I think there's a tendency to blame adoption for problems when adoption is not necessarily the problem.