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WHY PEOPLE ALWAYS SAYS TO ME: JUST FORGET BOUT HER (MY BIRTH MOTHER), YOU DNT NEED HER, JUST FORGET. THEY THINK HELP ME WITH THIS ????
I CANT BARE IT.
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I am sorry that so many people have been insensitive. It is perfectly normal for a birthmother to think about the child she placed, and for an adopted child to think about his/her birthmother.
If it is members of your adoptive family who are making insensitive remarks, perhaps you could circulate a letter among them, in which you explain that such remarks are hurtful, because, while you love your adoptive family very much, you will always remember with affection the woman who chose to give you life, and to give you the type of home she could not provide. You can mention that you would like to meet her someday, and so on.
If it is friends who are making those remarks, you need to educate them -- or to start making new friends. You can often find new friends in adoptee support groups in your community, if such groups exist. Many times, groups are started by adoption agencies, and while most are focused on kids and teens, there may also be some that focus on adults.
If you find, however, that you are so consumed by thoughts of your birthmother that it is affecting your work, your relationships, your health, and so on, you may want to get some counseling. While grief over the loss of birthparents is real and normal, such intense grief suggests that you may be depressed, and may benefit from therapy.
And, of course, if you don't know much about your birthmother, and you are 18 or older, you can initiate search. I always recommend doing so with your adoptive parents, simply because they often know more about her than they have told you, and because it can actually help you bond with your adoptive parents to have an open discussion of this sensitive issue. However, you can certainly start on your own. Do remember, of course, that some birthparents won't be found easily, and that some will not want to pursue a relationship. You need to feel that you have sources of support if this happens, as it can trigger even stronger grief reactions.
Sharon