3 year old STAS lying...

Three and four year olds sometimes lie. They lie to avoid punishment, as in "No, I didn't break it; the dog did," or "Dad said I could play with it," when Mom reminds him that something is off limits. They lie to get what they want, as in, "I only had one cookie today; can I have one more?" when the newly bought box is already half empty and there are crumbs all over the floor. They lie because they are realizing that words have power, and they are feeling powerless; using lies may get them attention, even if it's negative attention, and that makes them feel powerful. They lie, even when it's obvious that they're lying, because they are developing a conscience, and testing out what's right and wrong. Luckily, that stage passes quickly, when good parents like you help them understand that lying is wrong, can hurt people, and will have consequences. Unfortunately, with the older preschoolers, they will then be delighted to "call you out" when you tell a "white lie"! And, by the way, three and four year olds often do a little "misappropriating" of things that aren't theirs, to go along with the lying. That, too, will pass, if handled well by the parents. There's a big difference, however, between the often humorous lies told by preschoolers, and the lies told by children with attachment disorders. Children with moderate to severe attachment disorders lie to hurt people, and don't care at all when you catch them in the lie. These are children who will tell a teacher that their (never abusive) parents beat them, because they think it will be cool to get their parents into trouble. These are the children who frequently blame others for their own misdeeds, getting some pleasure out of watching what happens. These are the children who, having already had multiple placements, actually look forward to moving on to another, simply for a change of scenery, so they lie to the social workers about conditions in their home. With these kids, talking about right and wrong, or trying to make them understand that there will be consequences when they lie, is unlikely to work; these kids have not formed a conscience, in many cases, and if you try to punish them, they will just laugh it off, as in, "So what if I can't go to the party," or "Take away my Internet access; I don't care." Some of the children, if the parent imposes a consequence, will simply try to do something to "get back" at him/her, seeing themselves as the victims.If your child is simply going through the normal preschool shenanigans, continue to make sure that your child knows that lying will have consequences, and find lots of opportunities to give him positive attention, so he doesn't feel the need to seek attention through telling lies. Reward him for telling the truth -- for example, admitting that he did something he was told not to do. And try to keep a good sense of humor, and realize that "this, too, shall pass". I had to laugh (privately) when one of the best parents I know, who happens to be an attorney and very concerned about raising her children to be law-abiding,, found that her younger daughter was going through a stealing stage. The child admired my daughter, who was several years older, and felt that she could be "like her" by taking her possessions. So when she and her older sister came to visit, and my daughter was occupied with the older child, the little girl often managed to get into my daughter's dresser or desk and pilfer her costume jewelry, cute erasers, and other things, often stuffing them down her underwear when she didn't have enough pockets. The poor Mom had to institute pocket and underwear checks when the girl got home, and then had to call my daughter and let her know that she found the items and would return them or replace any that got broken. The girl often lied and said that my daughter gave the items to her, so that was an issue, too. Fortunately for this poor woman, her younger daughter did grow out of both the lying and the stealing fairly quickly, but I think that my friend had moments of worrying that her child would wind up on the wrong side of the law some day!Now, if you think that your son's lying is more than just a "phase", and may be a sign of a significant attachment disorder, and especially if the child has some other worrisome behaviors like stealing, hurting animals, hurting other children, or not showing any remorse when he does something wrong, by all means contact an attachment therapist as soon as possible. Moderate attachment disorders can often be treated successfully by a trauma-informed therapist, especially if you can provide some information about the child's background before coming to you. And the earlier you start his therapy, the better. I wish you much success in helping your little guy heal and grow, and understand the frustration you sometimes feel.Sharon