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Hello Everyone!
I'm new here but this website seems like it is a wealth of information for those of us who are just starting out the process of of considering becoming foster parents (and possibly adoptive parents). My husband and I have been talking about becoming foster parents for a couple of years now but we aren't sure if we'd qualify for a couple of reasons. I was wondering if any of you knew if any of these things would keep us from becoming foster parents. I will be contacting our state about becoming foster parents but I'm sure caseworkers are busy and i don't want to waste their time if these things would elimnate us right off the bat.
I think our biggest hurdle into becoming foster parents might possibly be that my husband was married once before me and had a daughter with his exwife. They were very young and when they got divorced he was working 40 plus hours a week at a minimum wage job to scrape by with no assistance from his family. His exwife was able to move back in with her parents and stay at home with their daughter and work part time while her mother watched their daughter on the few days she worked. At first my husband and she had shared physical and legal custody. After about 3 weeks of my husband being unable to get his daughter for work his exwife took him back to court and had it modified to her getting physical custody with my husband getting visitating and share legal custody. My husband pays child support, sees his daughter regularly, is respectful to her mother, and has come a long way in terms of financial stability and income. My husband and I adore his daughter. But after years of this being her normal and her being with her mother it's been decided that the routine that she is in is in her best interest. It breaks our hearts but we understand. Would a caseworker be alarmed or dismiss us as possible parents because he has a daughter he only has visitation of? He wasn't charged with neglect, I can't find anything like that in the court papers. It just says that it would be in his daughters best interest is to be with her mother.
Another hurdle could be student loans? I owe about 15k in student loans that I am paying back steadily. I should have them paid off comepletely within the next 2.5 years. Do I have to wait to be comepletely debt free to start the process to foster? I hear it can take almost two years to be approved, can we start the process with the agreement that we will have paid everything off by the time we actually had a child placed with us. We make about 1000 extra a month than our living expenses and repayment. So I feel like we could afford to care for another child. We rent, but we own our car outright, have no credit card debt, and make 5 times what it costs us to rent.
Another concern is references. My husband and I both lean toward the introverted side and we spend pretty much all our free time as a family with our son (who is 9 months), my step daughter, or our extended family. My husband has coworkers with whom he gets along with well but they don't hang out outside of work. I am a SAHM and honestly only still talk to my college friends and we are all spread out across the country. So I don't regularly see them in person but we talk often. When they ask for references does it have to be someone we socialize with often? Or can it be someone who we've been close to for several years? Can we use extended family as references? Can we use my sons doctor? I'm not really certain who we'd use as our reference because we just aren't hugely social. Also, would they contact my husbands exwife? She CAN be really nice. She can also be mean and lie depending on her mood. She was furious when my husband and I had our son and was calling us non stop and messaging us, talking about us on social media, etc. I think she was concerned she would get less child support but we never asked for it to be modified and we actually have gone back since to increase it for her. I'm mainly concerned she would not be helpful or truthful to a caseworker out of spite. But then again she might be nice, because there have been times where she was down right sweet. Do caseworkers talk extensively to ex spouses?
My final concern is moving. With my husbands job we move roughly every 5 years. We are mainly hoping to adopt THROUGH foster care but would we have to "start over" every time we move? Or would us moving be seen as a negative and totally disqualify us altogether?
Sorry for the enormous amount of questions! We are hopefully going to be able to start this long process. I was adopted as a very young child so adoption has always been close to my heart as a way to build a family. Thank you in advance for any help or advice you can give.
(We live in Idaho by the way)
Stepdaughter situation should not be a problem. In NY, they only look for child abuse or neglect. Debt shouldn't be a problem as long as you can show you can pay your bills without subsidy; references I used were all friends: a college friend and 2 co-workers. Extended family should be ok. Moving every 5 years will be a problem. First, when you foster, there will be visits with bio family in the area. Once you adopt, you'll be fine but fostering, they look for stability.
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You should be approved easily. You're responsible and provide for your own expenses. They want to see you be responsible and able to provide for yourselves (so you aren't doing it for the money). Make sure you EMPHASIZE goal is ADOPTION and not just foster care! Also, go through your COUNTY and NOT an agency (its a lot of doublework and double the appointments). Just trust me on this as I'm going thru the thick of it right now and wishing I were only dealing with the county and not the county AND an agency.
Some of these things will depend on your state's process.
How long have you been married? Your DH's past relationship should not be a problem. Usually, they only look for abuse/neglect or if he didn't pay child support when ordered. They will look at the length of your marriage though. They want a stable home for these kiddos and will want you to have been married long enough to show you are a stable couple.
As long as you have enough money to cover your expenses plus that of a child, your student debt should not be an issue. They mainly want to see that you do not need the states money to care for the child. This is especially true if you hope to adopt.
Moving will be an issue. You will have to start over every time you move to a different state. However, some states will work with one another if possible. If you foster, you will to be able to commit to that child for a period of time....usually, at least a year but cases can often drag on longer. If you do straight adoption, the child will need to be in your home for six months before you can petition for adoption. You usually cannot move during this time. Again, stability is very important and every state handles things a little differently.
Good luck and feel free to ask as many questions as you need to! ߘ