Overwhelmed and discouraged!

March 21, 2016

Having three children aged three or younger, no matter how mellow they are, is not for the faint of heart. It takes an amazing person to maintain a high enough energy level, a large enough dose of patience, and a tolerance for a certain amount of chaos to do so. Fostering simply may not be right for you until your bio child is a little bit older, or you may need to insist that you will take only one foster child at a time.

In the case of a child in foster care, there's a good chance that he/she has not received the sort of parenting that tends to promote good behavior. A person trying to manage a foster or newly adopted child who lacks proper socialization may have even greater difficulty with multiple children than one who has given birth to and raised all her children.

So don't beat yourself up about having a hard time with three, and especially the toddler boy who is a bit of an itch. Toddler boys, in the best of circumstances, often try a parent's patience. They are often on the move from morning till night, exploring, testing limits, and so on, even if raised by wonderful parents. And foster or newly adopted toddler boys can sometimes act a little like wild animals, especially if they were alcohol or drug exposed, or victims of neglect. My guess is that your bio boy was fairly mellow as a toddler, given that you are rather stunned by your foster child's behaviors.

If you decide that you can't manage three, do NOT consider trying to keep the newborn and returning the toddler. The goal of adoption and fostering is to keep siblings together, except in cases where there is a safety issue -- for example, one sibling molesting the other -- or where one child has severe medical needs and no parent can be found to take responsibility for that child as well as a healthy one. It doesn't matter that the bio Mom seems to love one child more than the other. Social services will decide whether she can be reunited with both children; if not, they will almost certainly be placed together with another family.

Basically, then, you have two options. If you think you "can" learn to manage three children so close in age, then "fake it till you make it" in terms of bonding with the toddler. Give him lots of love and praise, and save scolding for actions that are dangerous. If he dumps out the contents of a desk drawer, have him help you put everything back, but don't make a huge fuss. However, if he figures out how to unlock the door and goes outside without you, that's something to focus on correcting, although the best correction may be to find a better lock. If he doesn't want to hold your hand to cross the street, then he won't be able to go to see your neighbor's new puppy -- or you can simply pick him up and carry him, if you really need to cross the street. The formation of attachment takes time, even with some parents of bio kids. And if you wind up with a child with challenging behaviors, it will take even longer. My guess is that, six months from now, you WILL be bonded with your toddler, especially if you can figure out ways to, occasionally, take a break. As an example, perhaps your husband can take care of the kids once in a while, so you can get a haircut or go to the gym.

Your other option is to decide that you "bit off more than you can chew" when you agreed to foster two children. If so, be prepared to give BOTH of them back to the state, which can either return them to their biological Mom or, more likely, find a new family to care for them. Yes, you will be sad when the baby girl goes, but you will be doing the right thing. You can decide whether to tell the state that you can accept only one child, in the future, or put your fostering on hold until your bio child is in first grade or so.

Sharon