Managing temper Outbursts (...I'm talking about the parent, here!)

Sometimes my oldest son just pushes all the right buttons and I find myself yelling. A lot. Loudly. Not the most effective parenting technique, I've found. We often talk about fostering or adopting, but I keep thinking that I'll re-traumatize any kids we bring into our household with that kind of crappy behavior. Any good practical tips out there for managing child-induced anger?

I would love to know as well. I have 3 children from foster care program, ages 17, 3, and 2. I'm ok with the 17 yo. She makes me angry at times but for some reason I get mostly annoyed than angry. The 3 yo I yell and threaten then feel guilty. But for the most part she listens. It's the 2 yo. I know he's only 2 but he drives me crazy at times. He's fussy ALL DAY EVERY DAY. It doesn't help that we're not bonding very well even though he's been with us for 1 1/2 years. I tell my husband that I feel like bad parent and he should be with somebody that can treat him better. I've read books about giving yourself a time out, etc but in the heat of the moment I get so frustrated I see red!! Help me too !

It's a stage that most of us have been in! (Well, both as the child and as the parent, I'm sure) When I realized I didn't like who I was and the atmosphere in our home, I did a complete turn-about. But I didn't do it in a healthy way. Instead of going ahead and allowing myself to feel the anger, then to act appropriately in regards to what made me angry, I simply stopped feeling anger. It sounds weird - but it's true. What that caused was a complete turning off of emotions. That's not a good place to be. As we think about our children - what we want them to learn - the truth is that we want them to feel ALL emotions. And to know that the emotions themselves aren't bad or good - it's what we do with them that matters. When I remember that, I can now start to feel everything again. I have felt anger (as I've been working on this) and have found that I'm learning how to express it in an acceptable way. Specific tips? I have none. But I do know this: the emotion is real, and we have it for a reason (just like we feel physical pain for good reason). So, how would you want your child to act out their feelings of anger? They will model what you do. That thought has also helped me. Good luck!

Thanks for your thoughts, Denalee! I've been thinking that very thing . . . about modeling good ways of coping with strong emotions. That's particularly important for this specific child, because he has LOTS of BIG emotions. Jessica, as I've been working on this over the past couple of weeks, I've found that I kind of go from "zero to sixty" with my anger, so if I just keep watch for the beginnings of anger and try to back down after that, it's probably too late. I've found, instead, that it's good for me to identify situations where I know I'm likely to get frustrated or angry and start working on myself when the situation occurs but before my anger kicks in. For example, I often get angry if my son starts throwing a two-year-old style tantrum over something he doesn't want to do. Or if he keeps pestering me over something I've already said no to. So when his frustrating behaviors start, I begin working to intervene on my own behalf. I've found that "adult time-outs" don't really work for me . . . but one thing I've found that DOES help is singing . . . It helps redirect my mind and help me calm down. So when he starts throwing a tantrum or whining or whatever, I'll just burst into song. I'll make up silly songs about the situation at hand. "I've just told him no / and yet he asks again! / what will I ever dooooo???" He hates it, but my seven-year-old finds it delightful, and it keeps me from exploding.