When Adoptive Parents Are Jealous of Birth Parents

Ideally, all adoptees would be able to connect with their birth families with the blessing of their adoptive parents. But the ideal isn't always what we get, right? People can be pretty messy. Any advice out there for helping ease relationships between birth and adoptive parents? And helping adoptive parents feel loved and assured in their roles as parents even when their children are seeking to connect with their biological roots?

As a birth mom I was blessed that my bson's parents were welcoming when I found them. My bson was 31 at that time which may make a difference at least for some families. As we began our reunion, both of us were very clear that I was not replacing his adoptive parents nor was that my desire or intent. We have developed what we call a comfortable and healthy relationship. I remember writing his mom a note for Mother's Day in the first year in which I shared what I hoped for him to have as a mother when I placed him for adoption and expressed my appreciation that he has a mother he loves very much.I don't know how helpful my story is for others. I should also tell you that my bson was good at inviting both his afamily and his bfamily to family gatherings which helped us get to know each other. Blessings,Kathy

It's understandable for a person's parents to be unnerved- perhaps not jealous- when their child seeks out the biological roots (biological "parents." If you had parented someone for 18 years and they start referring to their biological roots as "mother" or even birth "mother" but not once helped in raising the child, anyone would easily feel either unnerved or upset.Personally I wouldn't tell your parents until you at least see if the biological "parent"/roots are someone who is a decent person who you want to continue a relationship with in your life. It's not worth upsetting your parents just to have the biological roots (birth "parents") refuse a relationship or worse. Once or if you decide to maintain contain with the biological origins, I would tell your parents in a way that you were curious of your health history, genetic looks, etc. and make it about biology, not "reconnecting." There's no established relationship to reconnect with yet, and learning about your biology and biological ancestors to discover genetic illness/appearance might make it easier for your parents to handle. It would be purely unfair to invite biological roots (birth "mother"/birth "father") over at the same time for family holidays with your parents ("adoptive" parents, aka your parents) and make holidays about them equally when your parents raised you for 18 years, and biological roots didn't. I would of course set boundaries with the new relationship with the biological roots. No biological roots at normal family holidays with your parents, etc. unless your parents seem incredible comfortable with it (or suggest it themselves). No biological roots to contact my family ("adoptive family") on their own unless I "ok" it (yes they're adults, but they should respect my boundaries/space/relationships). Same with laying off the "mother/father" references to birth "mother"/birth "father" (biological origins) on social media comments, photos with your biological origins, etc. I would keep the references to biological origins/roots (birth "mother" / birth "father") minimal with your parents so it doesn't seem like "too much" and gives you space to process your own feelings/your own new relationship with your biological roots.

I am a birth mom whose child is an adult and my husband is an adoptee. I've lived it from both sides of the fence. Those are valid concerns. I can confidently say there probably isn't a biological parent out there that views themselves as "mother" or "father" to their biological child. No child's parents can ever be replaced, whether those parents are adoptive or not. We don't want those parent/child relationships with our biological children. Those parent/child bonds are reserved for the people who raised them. So the terms they use to describe the biological parents shouldn't be something to get hung up on. Most adoptees just want to know where they come from and learn about their biological families. They're not looking for new parents. They know the bio family didn't raise them. At best they want a friendship. Getting hung up on terms is a good way to make the child feel guilt or anxiety. If it got too familiar, then I could see where it's an issue. My teen has always called me mama. I'm his only mama and no one can replace me. My 20 year old son calls me mother. That too is his individual thing, although it's such a generic & formal term and it makes me laugh. My 20 year old's friends call me mom and ma. I haven't replaced their actual parents and they haven't replaced my actual children yet lol. My adult adopted bio child calls me by my first name, but would refer to me as bio mother. So what? It's what I am. It doesn't magically make me anything more. So while boundaries are important, I'd be mindful of which boundaries are enforced. Not wanting the adoptee to ever acknowledge bio parents are bio parents might going a bit far.

Before adopting, I felt like I might be jealous of my child's birth parents. After being matched with his birth mom and developing a relationship with her, I didn't feel any jealousy at all. I hope my son has a great relationship with her as he gets older. She loves him dearly and only wants the best for him. I want him to know that so he never feels abandoned. It's very normal to experience feelings of jealousy because you feel like they have a connection with your child that you can never have and truth be told, they will always have a special connection. That does not make your relationship with your child any less special if you are an adoptive parent. YOU are their parent and your are not any less of a parent just because you don't share the same genetics. I think part of coming to accept that that both relationships are unique and special is important and helps to overcome feelings of jealousy. That being said, like you stated, not every situation is ideal. There may be concerns of the child's safety with the birth family due to certain circumstances and in this case you do need to protect your child. I feel like being open and honest with your child is best, but I am also of the opinion that you should never bash on the birth family. This can be very hurtful to your child because they may feel like there is something wrong with them. Most people are naturally curious about their birth family. My dad and I have had extremely little contact for 11 years now and it is because of domestic abuse. I know for my safety, as well as my family's safety, it is best to keep distance between us, but I still find myself curious about how he is doing. That doesn't mean I love or appreciate my mom who raised me any less. I know how much she sacrificed and how hard she worked to provide for me when my dad left us. Seeing him after years helped me to find closure in our relationship because I stopped building up this relationship in my head and I was no longer left wondering how things could have been.

A lot of the jealousy is rooted in insecurity. I think that before a couple adopts, they need to really think through whether they are comfortable enough in their roles to be a mother and father to a child who has another mother and father. That can be really hard, but it is necessary. As a birth mom, it is my job to always back up my birth daughter's adoptive parents. I always refer to them as her mom and dad, and I go by my first name. I have no part in their parenting decisions. This keeps the two relationships very separate, which is more comfortable and less threatening for everyone. One thing adoptive parents really need to understand is that an adoptees need to have a connection with their biological family has nothing to do with them. It is a natural desire, not a rejection of the family they grew up in. A quote that I love goes something like "If a parent can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mother and father". If we all had an understanding of this, those feelings of rejection would ease.