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Hi folks. I've been off for awhile, and I'm really glad to see some old names back again as well. It makes it easier to be vulnerable and not worry too much about being judged.
So, C is now in kindergarten, and he is able to do a whole lot of new things. One of these is that he wanted to write his own letter to his birth parents when I wrote last week. I've always said he can say anything he wants to them and call them anything he wants. He has always before referred to them as "Birthday Mommy " and "Birthday Daddy." He told me what he was writing as he did it, and he addressed it to "Mama and Dad." I don't care if he calls them mom and dad, but I really hate sharing "Mama." That's me. I also feel like a horrible person for that, because I really do feel like it's important for him to be able to determine for himself how he wants to refer to them. But I'm jealous. Because of that, I'm having a little trouble sorting out what is reasonable and what isn't. Do I just deal with my feelings and not interfere? Do I talk to him about picking a different "mom" name so we can each have our own name? Do I ignore it for now, because things change so fast with him that he may choose a different term next time? I'd love any perspective, especially first moms and adoptees, since I'd like to be able to take those other perspectives into account.
Yes.... I adopted 4 of mine from foster care.. and I hate sharing the title "mom"... but bio moms are moms... Tell yourself this is what's best for the kid.
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Hey Ruth,
Titles are so tricky. It's amazing how much importance we hold them to. Although I'm not a mother at this point in my life, I have had similar problems with titles (my parents have been divorced and remarried since I was very little), and it can be confusing as a kid to know what's appropriate. I think that you could definitely wait it out and see how things progress. But I what I wish is that my parents had had an open discussion with me so that I could feel comfortable talking to them about what I should be calling who. I was always so worried about their feelings being hurt, that I never felt comfortable enough to talk with them.
Anyway, I hope that's a smidgen helpful. I also read this article and maybe you'll find it useful: https://adoption.com/titles-do-they-really-matter
Good luck!
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It's hard to share that mom title but your child does have two Moms. Here's how I view it. My DD calls her first mom Mama L, sometimes Miss L, sometimes just L. It all depends on her mood. But here's the thing. She can call her mommy and it doesn't change a thing in our relationship. My relationship with my daughter(s) doesn't require a title. Mommy is something I truly love hearing but when it comes to the foundation of our relationship, it changes nothing. You are mom regardless. Your role and place in your child's life wont be changed by another mom's presence. It's really okay. You're feelings are very normal. Just realize that regardless of how many parents your child has, your relationship is unchanged by names or titles. That foundation and support and love is Mom....
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