I'm worried I may have been wrong about my ability to handle fostering

Ever since I was a teenager I've had compassion for children in foster care. I told my boyfriend (now my husband) that I wanted to adopt, that I wanted to care for a child who needed a home rather than "creating a new child" and he agreed. We were married 5.5 years and during that time we spoke extensively about our plans to foster and adopt. We told all our friends and family that this is how we were going to grow our family, that we felt called by the work of fostering. Well, we recently took in our first placement. An 8 year old girl who is eligible for adoption. She's pretty cute and (so far) as well behaved as you would expect your average 8 year old to be. Sounds perfect, right? Except that I have been FILLED with fear, anxiety, and self doubt ever since we said yes to the call. I am suddenly second guessing everything. I am so afraid of failing. I'm worried I'm not ever going to be able to bond with these kids we're planning to bring into our home. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to handle the difficult behaviors exhibited by kids who come from trauma, and that I won't be able to help them heal. I don't know how to connect with this child. Sure, she's cute. But I am not sure how to interact with her. And to be frank, I frequently find her behavior annoying. While I am always kind to her and never let on that she is annoying me, I fear I may never bond with this child or see her as "my own" and I fear I will even begin resenting her presence in my home. I guess I was expecting "love at first sight" and it just hasn't happened. And if I can't bond with a relatively normal (read: not super challenging like most foster children) and cute 8 year old girl, how can I be expected to bond with any child? What if I'm not capable of loving these kids like they are my own, despite my compassion for them? I'm grieving the loss of my freedom. I'm regretting that we didn't wait longer to begin this journey. After years of talking about this and feeling passionately about it, I am suddenly unsure that I am cut out for this life. That I can handle the hard stuff, and I can successfully rehabilitate and fully love these broken children. And it's breaking me. I've wanted this for so long, I never considered that perhaps I didn't have the right personality for the job.

Rachel,Self doubt has a way of eating at you. You can't let it consume you.Being a foster parent doesn't mean you'll bond instantly. It's normal and you're not alone in that. I've felt that by serving you can come to love someone. Don't let you get in the way. In fact, try throwing yourself completely into this child's life. Help her, find her interests and participate in them, do everything you can to help her--even if you're not sure if you're doing it right or well enough. Children often just need someone there for them. So be there for her. Be the person she can always count on. It might feel weird or awkward, but that's because it's a new relationship. Give each other time to warm up. You can do this!

It sounds like you have and continue to put WAAAAAYYYYY too much pressure on yourself... and, quite frankly, on your foster child. Take a deep breath and try to get control of yourself. If you are a praying person, then pray for the Lord to flood you with peace and perspective. You are not obligated to be this child's mother and immediately bond - that's not realistic. Perhaps find yourself a therapist to help you through this. In my experience, when you desire something with all you are for years and years, and then suddenly you find yourself living your dream - it just is never how you imagined it would be. Real life cannot possibly live up to the perfection you carefully created in your mind for so long. I get it, I've been there. But it's perfectly ok, not abnormal, does not reflect on your ability to be a foster parent, or a parent; and if you take a step back and stop pressuring yourself, I think you'll find it gets much better. Best of luck!

Speaking from the perspective of a person who frequently struggles with fear and anxiety, I would recommend getting out of your own head. Try to identify one of your daughter's needs (all children have them) and what can be done to help. I've found that setting even one goal and then working relentlessly towards that goal to be extremely helpful in "getting out of my own head."Also, all kids are annoying whether they are bios or fosters. Instead of pretending it doesn't bother you, be real with her. Sometimes this looks like sitting down to have a serious conversation about personal space or following house rules. Sometimes this looks like making a goofy comment at the dinner table about how chewing with your mouth open makes you look like a fish. You'll know as you gain experience what the occasion calls for. It's been a little while since you posted. I would love to know how things are going for you!

Even if you give birth to the child you can still be consumed by fear and anxiety. You get 9 months to bond with your newborn before it shows up for the love at first sight moment so give yourself some time to bond with this child. Your feeling are normal and the best way to handle them is probably to stop feeling guilty for having them but remember feelings aren't always true. Just try to keep your focus on her and not your feelings. The fact that you care so much about getting it right makes me think you are going to be a great mom.

I found Parent Child Interactive Therapy to be helpful with bonding. I think the worry suggests that you will be a good parent. At least you care and want to do right by her.