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We just had out first pre-placement visit with our two boys that we were matched with for adoption. Our agency is adoption only, not foster to adopt. To make a long story short, foster mom described very different behaviors based on what we actually experienced with them. The foster mom described them as perfect and very little behavior issues, we saw quite the opposite. We are confused, heartbroken, and worried about the next pre-placement visit. Has anyone had any similar experiences?
We are questioning if it is us or we were misled by foster mom. Any advice would be welcome. They are both ADHD and one eval showed ODD and the newest eval did not. I am now questioning if I am in over my head in trying to take on these two boys, ages 5 and 6, when I have a 6 and 9 year old boy already. Our caseworker is pushing us to conitue with the pre-placement visist, but my gut is telling me that if the behaviors we expreienced are anything similar, I cannot handle it. I am not the right fit. Our caseworker also indicated that if we did not keep trying we would probably be dropped from the agency as well. This is our first macth, our first pre-placemement visit and with two boys. Any advice would be much welcomed!
I haven't had a similar experience, but in my opinion, you should listen to your gut. The agency my husband and I worked with always encouraged us to be extremely open and honest with them about what we could emotionally and financially handle. I know it is hard because you want to give them love and a family, but if you don't feel that it is the right fit with your family, you should go with that feeling. Maybe go to the second pre-placement visit though and see how you feel a second time. The boys could have been having a rough day and were feeling anxious about the situation, causing them to act out. I wish you the best of luck!
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Have they been in any other foster homes? Maybe you could reach out to previous foster parents for insight? Or maybe you could ask the current foster mom about the discrepancy between their behaviors at their visit and her description of their usual behaviors. To get at it from another angle, maybe you could ask her how they act when they're under stress or in a new situation - and see if her descriptions of their behaviors match what you were observing.
I fully understand not wanting to get in over your head!