I'm kind of at a loss and not sure if this isnthw appropriate venue.
The short: I'm looking for groups or sites dedicated to the support of biological family members that are not JUST for the birth parents.
Also, some words of direction if anyone can help.
The long:
I'm one of those kids that grew up always feeling like something was missing.
When I was 16, I accidentally found out my mother had carried a pregnancy ro term before me (I thought I was her first until then). Though I had no idea what happened to the aforementioned child, I immediately set out searching. It wasn't until I was 23 and battling with my own decision to parent or adopt, she confessed I had an older brother and her regret over not parenting (in the end, I chose to parent).
Over the next 6 years..
I'd occasionally try to ask about my brother; if she knew anything, how he came to be, etc. Finally about a year ago, she said we'd talk soon and then she'd tell my younger sister as well (I had already told her, but due to our mothers silence, she doubted me). In August, I told her that I'd been looking for the last 13 years and after all this time someone had responded to one of my ads, thinking he may be my brother. Unfortunately, he was not, but it lead her to open up a bit more; she told me my brothers first name, the general area where he lived, and that he simply was born much later than I had presumed. She also told me that while the adoption was partially open, only he had HER direct contact information (which she kept updated through his adoptive parents) but not vice versa, and she believed he was uninterested in reuniting, so she would not look for him. So I left it alone. If those were his wishes, I would not continue looking and potentially disturb his life or cause him distress.
Christmas eve rolled around, and she asked my sister and I to speak with her privately (with my half brother from my fathers previous marriage). She announced she'd decided to look for and in fact made contact with the child she gave up, and he was looking forward to (not immediately) meeting everyone, if we felt the same way.
A huge part of me was excited, how could I not be?! I spent nearly half my life desperate for this confirmation and relief washed over me. Just as quickly though, I was overcome with this intense sense of anger. She revealed that she had confided in my brother (from dad) when she'd first located her son- in August. Not only did she look for him as soon as she told me she would not be doing so, but then she hid it from me- the only person (in my eyes) who cared enough to try for over a decade. Her reason for not telling me was A) my brother had also recently made minimal contact with his own son (not adopted, but the mother kept him from him.. he always knew where I he was and how to reach him, was/is simply restricted by courts) and B) she eas afraid if she gave any inclination to the idea she'd made initial contact, I'd find him and beat her to the punch (because, ya know, I'd been so successful to this point).
I felt, and STILL feel so betrayed. But I feel guilty for it.
She met him in February. She offered to allow my sister and I to meet him the weekend of my 30th birthday. A selfishness I'd never felt before in my life, refused this- it was MY birthday, and he's the "shiny new toy" so to speak. I wanted my celebration, however grabd or minimal it was, to be MINE.
It's been another the month and the prospect of another opportunity is looming, but I am so angry and apprehensive I'm not sure how to handleit without hurtinf anyone.
I want to meet the part of me that's been missing for my entire life, I want to (hopefully) finally find some sense of completion.
On the other hand.... she's had 6 months now of building a relationship with him (4 before meetinf face to face) and I haven't so much as been given the chance to SPEAK to him. She expects me to go blindly into some confined space to meet a virtual stranger, while she hovers. At this point, I don't want to meet him while she's present.
She has brushed my upset over her handling odnthe situation off, very nonchalantly.
I understand the entire situation is difficult, especially for she and my brother; it's why I never pushed or pried too hard.
I just don't think she gets it's about more than her on this side of things.
I can't really figure out at this point whose the one being selfish, and the more time passes, the angrier I get.
This is especially difficult for me, as (I feel really narcissistic saying so) I've always been the most logical and level headed member of my family.
I'm overwhelmed and not sure how to approach this.
I'm hoping maybe someone out there who has been in a remotely similar situation can shed some light here, and maybe tell me I'm not crazy or just an insenstive b*tch.
I don't think she'd go so far as to be malicious if I tell her I want to meet him alone, but I feel like maybe she's still hiding something and will NOT allow me the means to converse with him prior (why after so long wouldn't she anyway?) to any reunion.
Sorry for rambling, even putting all this into print left me more emotional than I expected.
Thank you in advance of there's anyone out there that sees this and can offer some guidance of any kind.
I am so sorry for your situation. All I can really say is that although it is difficult, you should try to keep your feelings between your mom and your brother seperate. I know you feel betrayed by her, and understandably so. To this point your brother has done nothing wrong and should be treated as such. I definitely agree that you should meet him seperate from her. It might initially make her mad for you to ask, but I think your reunion will be better for it.
I agree with Ashley, it's definitely not your brother's fault that it's been handled this way. I totally understand how you feel angry and betrayed by your mother, though. She has been dishonest with you, and that's not fair. This was posted awhile ago, so I hope you read these and can update us on how things have been going and whether you've met or not, as well as venting if you need to!