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We have a sibling set (5 year old girl and 1 year old boy) that we have had in our care for 8 months. This is only our second official placement, we have done respite multiple times and had a short term placement of 2 young girls for a month. The boy seems to be developmentally on track, and a generally good-natured child with only age appropriate behaviors. The girl, however, shows constants signs of early trauma and neglect as well as attachment issues. With us still being fairly new at this, with only a 2 year old adopted daughter to relate to, we have spent A LOT of time and effort into understanding the development of children with issues stemming from early neglect. At first our social worker was amazed with our devotion to truly try and make a difference, not just collect a check. The children came to us after being placed with a family member who "couldn't handle it," then to placed with another couple for only a month, who said that "they just weren't a good fit." Again, we were fairly new and we were trained to "just be their parents" and treat them as we would our own children. We tried everything for this girl that we could think of (reward charts, time outs, consequences, redirection, positive reinforcement...) only to find that NOTHING was even making a dent in her behavior. We knew early on that should this case lead to adoption, we would not be their final stop. Only after we begged for resources did we find out that basically every method we used was a complete waste of time on child like her, and may have just traumatized her further. We knew nothing of "therapeutic parenting" in the beginning, but we are now VERY excited to test it out.....on the next placement. Judge us all you will - but although we know that her behaviors are not who she is - we are unable to be therapeutic to this child. We have -at the very least- liked every child that has come into our home despite them exhibiting similar behaviors. We were always able to see the sweetness in them. We don't see that with her. You know how there are just some people, that no matter how hard you try, you just don't like? Of course we are still nice to her and give her plenty of hugs and kisses - but it is all so fake and forced that she has to know we don't truly mean it. The original goal was to return home, but the birth parents made only spotty attempts to comply with the requirements and they have gone so far downhill the past couple months that the plan will officially be submitted to the judge tomorrow to change the goal to adoption. At the FPM the parents made quite a few last second pleas and promises that they'd do better, so nothing is concrete until the judge decides next month, but everyone involved feels that it will most likely go to adoption. The social worker has known all along that we are not interested in adopting the girl. She had another couple that was interested in adoption and arranged for them to meet the kids. We told the girl we were going to meet some new friends. She's a smart girl and sensed another change right away. They eventually provided us with 2 nights respite, after which they told the social worker she made the very uncomfortable and were no longer interested. We wrote the social worker a lengthy email expressing our concerns in finding a permanent placement for both siblings given her behaviors and needs. We both work full time an hour away from home, so it is a real struggle to give each kid the individual attention they need within the few short hours between getting home and going to bed. We have tried very hard to have a high structure/high nurture household (although we admit to being unable to be genuinely nurturing to this child) however her needs and behaviors make that a struggle as well. She attends counseling every Monday, which means we alternate who takes off work 2 1/2 early each week. We really liked this counselor, but she is also inconsistent and has cancelled as many appointments as the child has attended. We had also signed up to do personal counseling at the same time which would mean we would BOTH be taking off a minimum 10 hours a month (we cancelled this once the goal changed to adoption). In addition to this, her behaviors are so extreme that we were offered the services of an intensive in home counselor. This is at least 2-3 evenings a week. This means quick dinners, no family time and baths/bedtime is usually delayed. As mentioned before, evening time is limited and all the extra care this girl needs is making it impossible for us to function as a family unit. It is really hard to have to tell our 2 year old "no" when she asks "Mommy, please may I go to the park?" on nice days. The counselor wants to help her function within a family, and I respect that, but we feel like we are attempting to help one child at the expense of the others. So in addition to 2/3 of our week devoted to counseling, our friends and family no longer visit because of this child. She is so disrespectful to adults and such a bully to children, that our daughter no longer has any little friends to grow up with. Our friends and family are very supportive of our decision to foster and have enjoyed helping us in the past, but not with this placement. While she is clearly not a good fit with us, we have kept her so long because we had hopes that her parents would get their lives together and we know how that switching them to yet another placement would just cause more attachment issues. We are really serious about doing this the right way and sticking with these kids even at their worst, but we are at the end of the line with this girl. So long, long, story short - we expressed to the social worker that we were worried about her brother suffering multiple placement disruptions because of her being so challenging. We let her know that while we agree that siblings should stay together, we would be willing to adopt the brother, or at least keep him as a placement while they attempted to place her with a permanent family. We strongly feel that the girl would thrive in a household where she is the only (or at least the youngest) child with a parent that could stay at home. We worry that given her behaviors and their age difference, the family that adopts them will do so only because they want a baby, and the girl will just be part of the package deal - never truly feeling wanted or loved. What we got back was a tasteless email, not even acknowledging our concerns, simply stating that the siblings will remain together and that we are expected to keep them both while they continue to "try out" new families. We have a home visit next week and we feel that it is our only choice to give our notice and ask for a placement change. We hate the fact that none of the 5 homes they have spent the last year in are able/willing to give them permanency, but we do not have it in us to keep her in our home while they get bounced around even more. Her behavior is worsening every day and we know it will only get worse when she is told she is not going home. To top it off, the house she lived in can be seen from our front yard. So I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. I started writing with a purpose and ended up with a rant! I guess I'd just like to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation? Have you ever had a placement that you simply did not like and struggled to care for? Up until recently it truly felt like we were all in this together for the best interest of these kids, now it seems like we've been played all along and that all they expect of us is to keep the kids alive and do what we're told. Is this always the case or do the opinions/experiences of the foster family ever matter? Thanks!
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This sounds like an incredibly tough situation. It's so hard when you're trying your best to help but it doesn't seem to be working, especially if it comes at the expense of the other children.
The foster care system is flawed at best. Social workers have heavy caseloads, and it seems like in this situation the social worker in charge of these two kids can't find anywhere else for this girl to go. I am sure they know it's not an ideal situation, but she's got somewhere to sleep at least which is the best they can do at the moment. They may just be frustrated that they are having no luck finding her a placement that works for all parties.
You can only do so much. I don't have a solid opinion on what you should do, there are pros and cons to every option I can think of. You are tough. Stay strong.
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Hey, I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Foster parenting is even harder. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job with an extraordinarily challenging situation.
I suspect that your instincts about your FD needing to be an only child in a highly structured environment are spot-on. It's extremely frustrating that the caseworker seemed to just blow off your thoughts about these siblings and their placement. Don't you just want to scream, "I SPEND ALL DAY WITH THESE KIDS! MY OPINIONS MATTER!!!"
I don't have any words of advice for you, but I do just want you to know that I'm rooting for you.
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We told the social worker at the home visit that we would not be able to keep them as long as December (which was their goal date to find an adoptive placement) while they searched. We requested a placement change, but did not give a date as we were willing to make the transition as smooth as possible. All we asked was that we could set up respite for 1 day (not even overnight) at the end of the month because we were going out of town. The social worker had initially said that after calling everyone on their list, only one couple was interested and it would be great for us to meet with them a few times, then let them do respite that entire weekend. I guess they changed their minds, because we never heard a word about them. All we got from the home visit forward were a few brief emails about how they are switching the children to an agency and a date that we need to bring them and their things to the office to transition. Again, this is my first real long term placement. We had 2 girls for a little over a month, but they went back with their biological father who was not involved in the case. Even in that circumstance, we met with him multiple times to make sure the girls were comfortable, then we all met up to make the transition. The previous social worker we had lasted only about as long as our placement, so I'm not sure if that is the way things are done or not. However, the way this current social worker is handling the transition seems far from therapeutic. We were left to tell the 5 year old that she would be moving -without being able to answer any of her questions about where where she is going. We know nothing but the day she's leaving our house and that one parent will stay at home. We just received another blunt email this morning saying how there needs to be a pre-placement overnight visit with the new family. While we totally agree and have asked for that....the social worker arranged it the night before the official switch. So really, they're just moving them a day early. To top it off, we will not be present when the children meet the new people. We literally drop them off at daycare, and an intern that the kids have seen a few times will take them to their new house. While we all agree that the children are not a good fit with us and that they would benefit greatly by having a new family with a stay at home parent (hopefully that will adopt them), are we not supposed to pass on our 9 months of knowledge to the new family or keep in touch at all? Please explain to me how that is in anybody's best interest.
Could you maybe send along your contact information through the intern? That way the new foster parents can contact you. The more information they have, the easier it will be for them to help the kids adjust to their new home.
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