"I Don't Like Them" & reverting back

Hey everyone! Our FS, 4 (almost 5) has been with us five months. He is always either with my spouse and I, school, one of our family members or babysitter (he goes to half day preschool and I work, so that's the only reason he goes to stay with babysitter). We all work with him, the teachers at school that I work with as well as his preschool teachers are all so nice and inviting to him, the children at school are nice...but lately, especially since his visit with his bio family, he has been claiming that he "doesn't like those people". They are people that he very much likes to be around, be polite to, or talk to. He also says that the kids at school aren't his friends despite them playing with him, they don't exclude him from anything. Also, since visit with bio family, he has reverted back to calling my husband and I by our names rather than mom and dad (which he has been calling us from the get-go, his choice not ours). It is so strange. He says it's because he's mad because we have to raise our voices to him sometimes. We raise our voice and give consequences because he has been beating on me and my grandmother, pulling earrings out of my ears, you name it, also extreme defiance and "I'm not going to do what you say/I don't have to listen to you." He wasn't the best at listening before the visit but he wasn't horrible... and we had pretty much been making progress with him up until this point. Has anyone been through this?

What a tough sotuation. This hasn't happened to me personally, but I know of a few situations that sound very similar to this. Sometimes seeing birth family can confuse relationships. Usually from what I have seen as long as you stay consistent, so he knows you are not going to leave him, things eventually settle down.

Thank you Annaleece! I'm torn also, because I don't correct him when he calls us by our names, because obviously it IS confusing. He hadn't seen bio dad in over a year, and it's so hard to go from hearing "mommy and daddy" to "darcy and jon" (he is our first child, no bio kids etc.) I know it's confusing, and it's hard whenever he thinks we are mean to him sometimes just because we get onto him, and when he gets mad he calls us by our names too. We are trying to make this as easy as possible for him and its so tough!

I just got licensed last week and I am waiting on my first placement so I do not claim to be an expert. However, my son only sees his father sporadically and has been in therapy because he struggles with anxiety and with dealing with being abandoned by his father. I will see huge improvements and then set backs after visits. I imagine this is similar to foster kids having visits with birth parents. The more loving an understanding I am despite his behavior the sooner he gets back to his normal self. part of it is being so young not even understanding their own feelings much less knowing how to express them properly, but also it is a test. For my son it is something like this though he can't put it in these words, "Dad left, if I am bad will mom leave or is she gonna prove she loves me no matter what." I have no foster experience but thought this might help a little.

I think you have to remember that a lot of this is just deep trauma and superficial. Don't take it personally, instead you have to translate what he is actually trying to say. Be stern, but explain why you have to be. Sometimes preparing lines or analogies beforehand can help when the time comes. Kids thrive from guidance, and the key to saving kids who have been set on a path of biological torture (in terms of the neurological and physical effects) from their abuse, is to give them control of their perspective.The triggers definitely come back to the biological family. He is struggling and confused, it is hard to understand what love and trust are when the people who define what they mean, as well as what the rest of the world mean, reject you as a being in this universe. They say they love you, then on the next breath throw you away like trash. When becoming a part of a normal family, the normalcy can seem a MILLION times more scarier. He is probably grasping at what he knows, trying to find a stability in himself from his biological family but desperately at the same time wanting to be away from it. But when its all you know and you are only 5 years old, learning how to be a whole different person with a different past can break ones soul.Hope this helps. Remain strong, and know that your undying commitment to parenting and loving him will pay off :)

So when looking at behaviors it's the triggers you want to search for and as it started happening when visits with the Bio-parents started there are a couple of likely possibilities. 1. That he feels like he is being a traitor to his bio-parents. He feels like he has to choose to be one persons son or the others, but not both. To counter this, you can do outings (if you can) with the bio parents together. Him seeing his bio-parents and you at the same time getting along and being friendly, will go a long way to explain that he doesn't have to choose, you will love him either way, and that it's ok for him to love both you and them. I'd try to explain it, if I can, like his friends that have split up parents. Even though his friends have 2 moms and 2 dads, it's ok. And then just point out using something like cookies or other favorites, that two of something can be better then one. 2. Fear of his bio parents could be an issue too. Specially in cases of abuse or neglect. He could be afraid that because he is seeing his bio parents more, it's because you don't care as much and your willing to put him in harms way. Sadly, there isn't much as foster parents we can do about this one. The Bio-Parents have to keep visiting so that the transition back home is as smooth as it can be, but maybe you can ask for a pause in the visits, or seek help from therapy for the next few visits if you feel there is fear there. Be honest with the case work about it too, along with your agency. Let them know what happens and why you feel it's more serious then the normal "junk behaviors". Maybe you can take a step back on the visitation schedule a little bit and go a bit slower. There are options, but it will depend a lot on circumstances. Just make sure to tell the case worker everything.