Foster child coming open for adoption

I have a hard time finding the words to put to my thoughts. My wife and I became foster parents right at a year ago now, and our plan was to foster and also adopt WHEN we felt it was right for our family and for that child. In the last year that we've been licensed, we've had 3 foster children and 3 have/are going toward adoption. We were placed with a newborn on the same day we got our license and adopted him six months later...a week after we were licensed, we were placed with a 2 year old who we will be adopting in the next two months...and about 6 months ago now, we were placed with a 4 year old. His case has changed to unrelated adoption and I feel like the absolute worst human being on the planet. I don't feel the same way about this boy as I do about the other two that we have had for a year now. I don't know if that's because the other two were with us from the beginning or what. Our plan wasn't to adopt the first three foster children that were placed with us, and from what I hear and understand...that's out of the norm for how "it" works! But, what exactly am I supposed to do? It's not fair to him and to me if I don't even feel the same way about him as the others...he deserves so much more than that! My wife doesn't feel as I do and she loves him as she loves the others. I can't justify the way I feel about him, I can't explain it and I just can't fix it. I pray and wish every night that I will bond with him and just have that moment of clarity with this boy. He is sweet and kind, it's nothing on his part...it's just me. I don't feel that this is right for us. How am I supposed to say no? How am I supposed to send him to another adoptive home? I'm just at a loss for words/ideas/decisions and any advice you could throw in might help. Thank you for your thoughts and time.

Do you see affection in the other children. That he doesn't equally give to you??Has he suffered ' Trauma ' or ' Abuse in his past. That makes attachment difficult?Has his Case Management offered anything ? That is meaningful or positive??

Yes, he doesn't outwardly express his affection like our other toddler does. He doesn't like to hug or sit in your lap and watch a movie or anything similar. He's so sweet, but he's not loving. He was neglected most of his life and he was an only child. I know that has a ton to do with it, but it doesn't make this any easier. We have a referral in to see a developmental pediatrician soon...maybe that will bring some things to light that we can help with. No, his caseworker is not very involved and doesn't reach out other than his monthly visits.

I just wanted to tell you I can completely relate! I've been a foster parent for a few years, but have only had one really long term placement, a 8 month old boy and 4 year old girl (now 1 1/2 & 5). They are brother and sister and their case has moved to adoption. My partner and I have a 2 (almost 3) year old daughter who is adopted and the younger boy and her are a great fit to our family, but not the girl. While she does have a lot of behavioral issues, we can honestly say that is not the reason we don't want to adopt her. I've had shorter placements and done respite care for 6 other children and I've at the LEAST liked, if not loved, each and every one of them. There is just something about this girl that we (and, sadly, everyone we know) just don't like. There is no bond between us and her behavior only worsens because of it. After 9 months, they are switching to a different placement this week. We feel like the social worker is upset with us for "giving up" on her and making her job more difficult, and at first we were upset with ourselves for "failing" her. Now in my life I've switched colleges, majors, and career paths more times than I care to count and the only thing that I've truly known that I wanted to do is foster care/adoption. We kept this placement as long as we did because we didn't want to be one of those families who give up when it gets hard, but after much talk and soul searching, we realized that sometimes admitting that we are NOT what is best really is the right thing to do. Fortunately for me, my partner and I are on the same page. That decision would be a lot more difficult if your wife wants to adopt. The only thing I can offer you is to be open with her and tell her how you feel. The last thing that child needs is to be in a home forever where he is not truly wanted. Best of luck!