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I worry that when she is old enough to understand, my birth daughter will resent me for placing her for adoption. I am at a much different place in my life than I was then, and I'm not sure she will take that into account. Do you as an adoptee, or has your child, biological or adopted, ever struggled with resentment toward their birth parents? How do you handle it?
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I don't talk about it much, but there were a few weeks that I had a hard time after finding my birth mom. She married my dad four months after I was adopted. Then they had two more kids. They were married for twelve years. I didn't understand, and still don't, how you could go through such a painful, awful experience and then have the happiest day of your life a few months later. It hurt that I was that close to being raised with my family. I don't ask a whole lot of questions. I can tell it's difficult for her to talk about. I just had to push past it. That was over 30 years ago. There are parts of my past I am not proud of. Since then, we just stick to current events. I think that works for both of us.
I can definitely see how hard that would be for you. I know a couple of birth moms that got married right after placement. Usually it's to men they didn't know when they placed, and a lot of them have a hard time with it too, thinking "what if I had just met him six months earlier, then maybe I wouldn't have had to place." It's tough on all sides.
She was on the outs with her family and had moved out of town with my dad. He said he didn't want kids so she felt like she had no choice. Turns out, he had a secret kid from high school she didn't find out about til a few years ago. When she got pregnant again she said she wouldn't go through that again, he could leave if he wanted. He stayed. Everybody has skeletons.
I don't talk about it much, but there were a few weeks that I had a hard time after finding my birth mom. She married my dad four months after I was adopted. Then they had two more kids. They were married for twelve years. I didn't understand, and still don't, how you could go through such a painful, awful experience and then have the happiest day of your life a few months later. It hurt that I was that close to being raised with my family. I don't ask a whole lot of questions. I can tell it's difficult for her to talk about. I just had to push past it. That was over 30 years ago. There are parts of my past I am not proud of. Since then, we just stick to current events. I think that works for both of us.
alternative perspective: choosing adoption for you may have been painful for both and depending on their ages, they may not have even been given much choice in the matter depending on family support perspectives. If a couple could get through THAT pain of loss together that may have just proven to them they belonged together, or the pain may have been so great that it pushed them to get married faster and then try for another baby to help alleviate that sense of loss. How elaborate a wedding was it? Not every wedding is the happiest day of one’s life that people think of it as whether large or small, it is the start of a new chapter in one’s life, but many would not necessarily consider it the happiest day of their lives for a variety of reasons.
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Honestly, I have no idea. She doesn't talk about it, and I don't ask. We are in a good place now so I don't like to bring up things that might cause her pain. My bio sister will be staying with me for a couple of nights next weekend. Who knows what all we will end up discussing.
Honestly, I have no idea. She doesn't talk about it, and I don't ask. We are in a good place now so I don't like to bring up things that might cause her pain. My bio sister will be staying with me for a couple of nights next weekend. Who knows what all we will end up discussing.
Are you 2 close in age? Have you been able to develop a close relationship or still getting to know each other?
She is five years younger than me. We talked a lot for a long time. I guess it was the getting to know you period. We don't talk so much anymore but she works crazy hours. She lives about eight hours away and visits whenever she can. I feel like we would be really close if we lived closer.
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She'll be here this Saturday and Sunday. It's my son's birthday weekend, and we are all going to the fair. I just hope it's not so busy that we don't get to spend any quality time together. My birth mom will be here too, she just not staying at my house. I offered, but I think she likes her privacy. I'm excited and also a little nervous. I wonder if we'll ever get to a place where I don't get nervous first.