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need advice (hold on it's long): I'm an adoptive mom of two great 8 yr olds. Daughter adopted domestically, very open adopt with good relationship with bmom (several visits a year, text and talk often). Son was adopted from another country...left in front of a hospital as an infant (likely due to born without foot). So they are generally happy kids, we are open about every aspect of their stories. Adoption is a frequent, casual topic in our house. We love and respect their first families (though we don't know my son's). Lately they have both been exhibiting much more sadness and grief than ever before. My daughter feels sad that we "don't all live together" with her bmom and questions why she was placed and not her 3 sibs. My son is distraught that we will likely never meet his birth family (city of 9 million). So I am prepared for all of this and think it's all developmentally normal but....it's also breaking my heart. We have spent many nights lately with them crying in my arms for a LONG time. Things I say to them: "This is normal. A lot of adoptees feel like this. I love you and you can always talk to me about this. I can see how painful this is for you." Also, to be honest, I have cried with them as well. Things I would never,ever say "Get over it. You should be grateful. You are lucky." (and a lot of other bullshit I know has been pushed on adoptees). So I guess my questions to adoptees is this: Is there anything your adoptive parent said or did when you were really upset or grieving that was healing/helpful? was there anything that, in retrospect, was not helpful or even hurtful? My husband and I feel like we are failing a lot of the time. I value so highly the advice of adult adoptees and anything feel like sharing would help me be a better parent!
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Not an adult adoptee, but I have done a TON of research about this.
First of all, this is totally developmentally normal. This is the first age that they can understand the complexities of adoption and feel the loss. This may be a phase, but the hard grieving will likely weave in and out of their lives. This is not your fault. In fact, you are doing the best thing you can do, which is to respect their birth families and acknowledge that this is a huge loss for them. I commend you for that because many adoptive parents lack the security to acknowledge the loss of the adoptee. Continue to maintain the adoption that is open, and cry with them. They need to know that you understand how they feel.
It's actually a very good sign that they are willing to share these feelings with you, because many of the adult adoptees I have spoken with express either sadness or resentment toward their adoptive parents for shutting them down when they tried to express their grief, making them feel that longing for their birth families somehow betrayed their adoptive families.
Your kids just need to know that you are there for them, you love them, you acknowledge their loss, and that it's okay to feel how they're feeling. Some sort of therapy or counseling would also be beneficial. I know it's hard, but you're doing exactly what you should be doing. Keep it up!
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I'm sorry that I am also not an adoptee, but I thought I would leave a little message of encouragement. I am so sorry that your children are feeling such grief at this time and that you have to watch and feel their sorrow too. I cannot imagine what they're going through. But, it sounds like you and your spouse are doing a wonderful job with what you can. Try not to beat yourself up. You are only human. I hope your children find some peace soon.
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I consider myself a very well- adjusted adoptee (though I don't love the term, as it makes me feel like I have a disease). I will start by saying that you and your husband sound like phenomenal parents and your children are so lucky to have you. I'm not sure of their ages, but I know I went through a difficult phase with handling being adopted when I was in full puberty chaos. I felt distant from my family, and overly curious about who my birth family was. My mom also talked openly with me, and never made me feel as if my curiosity was a bad thing. She answered what she could, and speculated with me on what she didn't know. I just remember being so appreciative of her being willing to exhaust the topic with me. She understood what an impact uncertainty about my genetics made on me, and she was always patient and open. I think that's all you can do. I can only speak on being adopted, but I know I think about every day of my life, and my feelings have varied with time. But one thing that has never wavered is the love and appreciation I have for my family. All you can do is give your children love and support, just like any other family. I'm sure this phase is trying, but i imagine that's all it is- a phase.
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Hi. I am a 34 year old adoptee. I never had any of those feelings as a child, but I have in the last two years. The emotions have been difficult. I hate that your children are having to deal with them. It sounds like you are already doing all you can. I grew up in a household where it was certainly not ok to discuss birth family. Not so much in a not allowed kind of way, but in a break your adoptive parents heart kind of way. Allowing them to express themselves is absolute the best thing. I have an 8 yr old, and if I had to explain it to him, I would say that each day we have to make choices with only the information we have in that day and a hope for the future. That's what their parents did. It wasn't a choice between siblings to adopt out. They decision to keep or place was made at a different time with different information. For the international adoptee, you could always do DNA testing and register with ISRR.org so if the birth family wanted to make contact at some point, they would be able to find you.