How to cope when your heart breaks for a child

July 19, 2017

I faced a similar issue. As foster parents we of course are a caring bunch. We couldn't do this if we were all shut off and cold. However, the problem with that is that you tend to get stuck. Just like you are now, with the negative sides of caring. You feel bad. You want to do something but you can't so you end up feeling horrible.

The trick to dealing with this is to understand what it is, and why you feel it. Once you understand it it's a bit easier to deal with, and more importantly you can keep your empathy, which you need, and drop the anger (and other stuff) which actually harms you in the long run. If there is more you can do for this child, being able to be in this state of mind, can allow you to do it. A judge or case worker is far more apt to listen to a clam rationale reasoning then one backed by anger and fear.

That's not to say that this internal analysis is easy, or that it works for everyone. It's difficult and works for me and maybe it will work for you too. It also doesn't mean I am right, it is how I feel when I get in those situations. Maybe it well help, maybe it won't but it's worth a try.

Here we go.

So the first level is easy, you feel empathy for the child. Your able to put your self in his place and feel for him. This is a good thing. It is needed to be a decent foster parent and really even a decent human. You should feel good that you can do this, and do do this. Focus on the fact that being able to do this is a great thing and will serve you and those you care for well in the future. It may hurt now, but in the long run this ability to feel empathy, is a wonderful gift.

Next level down is the "Alpha" problem. We humans are social creatures. Part of the pact we make as social creatures is that the stronger of us will protect the weaker of us. In our lives we do this in many ways. Some times we post on the internet seeking help, and some times we answer. We use this pact to protect our selves and in turn are driven to protect others when then need it. Unlike dogs or other animals that have one pack leader (that's not really true anyway) we humans have leaders in areas. I may be good in math so I help you with math, but you may be good in music so you help me in music. The most basic of these is children and protection. We know, as an instinct that children should be protected and cared for. We may have different meanings of "protected and cared for" but every living human adult was once a child. and used that "protect me" part of the pact and feels a social and bio-logical need to honor the "I'll protect you" part of the pact when there older. Even hardened criminals of violent crimes, hate those that harm children. So when this pact is violated we feel like we have been let down. When we feel that we can't fill our side of the social pact, we feel like we are letting those that need us the most down.

This feeling let down, or feeling that we let someone down, is a good thing too. It means your part of a society, and that your a reasonable person. again it sucks right now, but it's a normal feeling and it will work well for you in the future. Keeping that in mind is important.

Moving on down into darker feelings, lets talk about fear and anger. The problem here isn't that your angry. The problem here is that you think your angry for all the wrong reasons. (at least I do). So you hear about this bad stuff happening to someone you feel you should be able to protect. You feel anger. You point it at the person doing the bad stuff. But your know what. Your not actually angry at them. Not on the level that drives you to dispare and internet postings. The kind of anger that is actually felt for someone abusing a child actually goes away when the child is not being actively abused. It quick, it's a flash point, not a rolling boil.

Same with fear. Fear is generally like "I fear they will try to abuse you again." but that fear actually fades really quickly.

The anger and fear your left with is because you can't stop it. You don't have control. It's not anger because of the abuse it's anger because you can't stop the abuse. It's not fear that the child will be abused again, it's fear that you didn't do enough to protect the child.

For contrast take a look at some of the things in your past. When you knew you were going to get hurt and you had to face it anyway, fear and anger melted away quickly. When you felt that you had no control and you were going to get hurt, but you didn't know when or why, then fear and anger were overpowering and right there at the top.

Your angry, your scared, and upset, not because the child is having a bad time, but because you can't stop it. You don't have control. You feel like your not holding up your end of the protection pact. And because you empathize with the child, you fear getting hurt next time it happens, which means your gonna get hurt, and it's outside your control.

Lets go side way for a moment. Feeling are a bit like multiplication. They don't just add to each other they multiply one another. Lets pretend a scale of 1-10. 1 being a week response, 10 being a strong response. Empathy making your feel bad for the child is like a 6. It's strong, but as a foster parent your used to coping with it. Anger actually directed at the bio-parents is like a 2. It's there, but really it's not about hating them it's our protecting the child. Anger at not being able to do more (not being in control) is like a 8. It's strong because it always is. It makes us feel the victim. Fear that you will be hurt again (by this child's tale, or circumstances when you see him again) 9. Fear of harm is always strong it keeps us alive.

So that means your over all feeling scale is at a 864. That a big number. That's probably over your limit. That's why you feel overwhelmed and "crushed". It's also why you feel you have limited choices (aside from the real limits).

So what do you do. You should try to reduce that feeling number to something more manageable. The good news is that it's easy to do, now that you know about it. because things are multiplied, small adjustments can make a huge difference.

First let's loose the anger towards the bio-parents. Call them (not to the kid) ass holes , idiots, stupid, ignorant, and cruel. But then move past that anger and let it go. The truth is that they are probably either mentally ill, or just don't know what there doing. In either way, let anger give way to sympathy, then throw that out as the parents aren't your problem. You'r focusing on the kid. That brings your feeling number down to a 432. That's a huge difference and we didn't even do that much.

let's work on getting it smaller though. Unfortunately, a lot of people "make it smaller" by giving up some empathy. You can go that route but I don't advise it. Instead look at the anger and fear that comes from not having control and try to focus your efforts there. Your not going to be able to get that down to a 0, but hey you can make it better.

The best way I know how is to focus on what you can "control". Even little stuff. Did you give the child the number to DCF? Can you call in a report of abuse? Do it every day you see something wrong. Can you give the child access to counselors or suggest that we speak with someone at school?

Even though these are not resolutions, focus on what you did do, instead of what you can't do. Lets say that takes anger and fear from an 8 and a 9 to a 7 and a 7. Well now your feeling number is a 294. Now were getting more manageable.

How can you drive fear even lower. With education. Talk with counselors at the school, talk with DCF in your area, speak with case workers etc. Learn why they can and can't do things. This can really help. It won't make the problem go away, but it will reduce those fear numbers down again, and small adjustments can make a big difference in the end.

Keep in mind that these numbers are meaningless and are only a way to express a complex set of feelings in an easy to understand way.

The important take away, is to know that some of the negative feelings can be handled once you know where they are coming from (they may be coming from different places for you), and that handling even a small set of those complex feelings can make you feel better. Not good, your never going to feel good about the situation, but better. And also remember that the bad feelings your having are actually a great tool. It means your at least a decent person, and you can take some comfort in that.