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Hi all,
Thank you all in advance for your advice!
My younger sister was adopted from birth. I was not in contact with my mother at the time, so I had no idea I had a sister until much later. (You could say I was adopted by a family member)
I later found out I had a sister and immediately wanted to meet her but knew nothing about her.
I recently learned her name and found her and her family quite easily on facebook. I'm older now (21) but she is still a teenager, and I was unsure if she even knew of her adoption.
I decided it would be for the best to reach out to her mom instead. I asked about my sister, if I could contact her, if she knew about me/ the adoption.
In the end, she knows she is adopted, but not much else and the adoptive family really would rather no contact between us.
This has left me feeling very sad and almost caged/controlled. I dont want to do anything to hurt my sister, and if shes in a difficult time in her life i dont want to over complicate things.
But I am worried that her well being is not the real reason her parents dont want her to have contact with me. By what she said, it seems that her main reasoning is that she has a loving family and doesnt need me.
What do you guys think? How do I calm down her family so they realize that I could never ever think to replace them? I really want to get to know my sister, especially because Im getting married soon.
Thanks!
First of all, I'm so glad you found her! Secondly, this is a really tough one because until she reaches adulthood, her parents are in control of the contact. My main concern with contacting her against their wishes is that they may out her in a position where she has to choose between her adoptive and birth family, which isn't fair or healthy to anyone. However I do feel like she deserves to know about her birth family, and you deserve to know her. I might try contacting he adoptive parents one more time and ensure that they know you are not going to try and take her away or hurt her relationship with them, you would just like a chance to know her since you're getting married soon. If they still don't react well, you may need to wait until she turns 18.
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Thank you so much for the kind words. Unfortunately my most recent contact did not turn out so well. Her mom freaked out because she had her moms phone when I messaged the mom.
The mom was not interested in any information I had or anything else for that matter. I said that others in my family will wait until she turns 18, but the mother said that her life with them doesnt end at 18 and that we should just stay away.
Oh no, I am so, so sorry to hear that. It's really not okay for the adoptive mom to say just stay away. When she's 18 her mom can have some control emotionally over her, but it will be within her right to have contact I'd she chooses. It seems like adoptive mom is feeling very insecure.
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