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Hi. New to the message board. Would love any insight or help.......quick recap.
Adopted 16 year old from Europe last year. He is now 17 and only 4 months away from 18 where he is legal adult and can do what he wants. Life has been very tough the last little bit. Child quit job and is now refusing to go to school when it starts. If fact, I was assaulted by him a few days ago (broken nose and concussion). EMS and cosps were called. At this time I hae decided not to press charges but I still can. ALL of this stems from the fact that he wants back to his native country and he wants back Now. No exceptions. I do not know if we can wait another few months until 18. Just want to protect my two other kids and wife and do what is best for adopted son. Of course, finding any help is very difficult considering his age. Here are what we think out options are. Please advise are provide feedback:
1. Arrest him- thought about this. He spends a few days in jail for first time assault. He gets out and comes right back to our home possibly more mad than ever. Did we accomplish anything?
2. Ride it out at home until age 18.
3. Find some type of boarding school/program- OK so he goes for a few months and at 18 he is gone. Is he mad we sent him away for a few months?
4. Enroll him is boarding school in native country- he has indicated he would consider this but I have concerns that he would never go to school and just run. Obviously, there is nothing against a semester abroad. Kids do this all the time. We would "support" by paying tuition, room/board, etc.
5. Let him (us) visit native country to see friends/family- have considered this but what happens if he flees? Is it any different than a child running away from the USA. He may get over there and MAY get back on the plane to the US. But...he may not. If something like this happens what do we do while in an Eastern European country?
Bottom line.........I need to protect my bio family but I also need to do what is best for out adopted son. No perfect answer I understand. Kinda stinks that we are only a few months away from legal age 18 but it will be a LONG few months.
Thoughts?
I think there are pros and cons to all these options. I think if it were me I'd do the visit to his country, so at least he would know you understand his loss. That empathy could really help.
However there are the cons you pointed out. There is no perfect solution here, that's for sure. This is a really tough spot to be in, and I sympathize with that.
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I agree with Annaleece. Perhaps visiting his country will help him grow and bring peace to all of you. But, like you said, it might not. If you do go to another country, and he does run off, I believe most countries have some authority you can report missing people to. Of course, that would be the worst case of action.
Someone told me that you can't help people that don't want to be helped. Other times you have to let the person hit their rock bottom before they will come to you for help. Those are really hard pills to swallow when it's someone you love.
Have you thought about family therapy at all? Maybe with a therapist who specializes in adoption?
Therapy sometimes takes years to "work" , especially if he's resistant. But when I was 17 I was resistant and doing some pretty crazy things myself and I'm doing great now, so don't lose hope for him.
I'm thinking about how he may be feeling right now. You said he wants to go back to his birth country, and that he was adopted at age 16. Although he gained a family when he was adopted, he lost everything else: friends, home (both his foster home or orphanage and his country), and likely his language. He may or may not have really understood what that would be like, and he may or may not have really wanted to be adopted (while theoretically kids consent to adoption, that's not always actually the case). Whether he thought he wanted to be adopted and then realized he doesn't want to be here or never really had an option, he is now living a life he has no interest in.
I think your decision needs to be based not just on what you want for him, yourself, the rest of the family, and those relationships, both now and in the future. If you are just trying to hold on until he turns 18, probably finding a boarding school here will accomplish that, but you won't have a relationship with your son in the future. Making a visit to his birth country may help him see that you do understand, but it still won't in any way solve the problem, and you will have the same issue when you come back. Either way, he will likely continue to be angry, and you will have a very difficult time maintaining a relationship. You talk about him wanting to go back to his native country, but to him, that is going home. If I perceived someone as preventing me from going home, I would probably not forgive them. I would talk with him about the options, but I think that likely the one that will give you the most hope for maintaining a relationship with your son is to allow him to attend a boarding school in his birth country, if that is what he chooses to do. However, I do think it is okay to put some stipulations on it. He won't be able to go immediately; that kind of planning takes a bit of time. Tell him that, if that is what he wants, he needs to be safe and respectful at home, go to school, whatever your family expectations are. He may likely not run away if he is in a boarding school there, because that is actually where he wants to be. Let him know that if he does, and he is not yet of age, when he is found he will return to the United States.
I can't understand what you are going through, but I can empathize. I'm also a counselor as well as a parent, and I've worked with a lot of families in the midst of crisis/ conflict. Those that I've seen with the best outcomes are the ones able to balance letting go with some level of expectations and accountability. I hope you are able to find a solution that works for both your son and the rest of your family and that gives everyone what they need.
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