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For birth parents who placed a child for adoption, do you want a do over? I know that rationally most people get to a place where they are happy with the adoption, especially if you feel like that's where the child belongs. If going back in a time machine was a viable option, would you?
Some days I would give my right arm for a do over. There are days when I hurt so bad I would do anything to go back in time and parent. I go back through all the what-ifs and what could have been. Now that I'm in a place where I could parent if I wanted to, the regret is sometimes worse. But I can't afford to do that. Most children that are placed for adoption are placed for very legitimate reasons. Even though emotionally it would have been best for me to parent, it certainly would not be best for her to be raised in a broken home from the start. I'm in a great place now, but I probably wouldn't be had I not placed and gotten out of a bad situation with the birth father. Regret is a part of grief, and I don't think you'll meet a birth parent who can truthfully say they don't ever regret placing. But for me, I know it was the best thing for her, so I can't regret it.
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Absolutely not. Unlike many birth parents, I was already parenting a child when I placed my daughter. I thought carefully about the decision I made. I had an obligation to my parented child and knew that if I made the decision to parent M, I would be doing a huge disservice to both of my children.
Honestly, there is no guarantee that my life would have turned out as well adjusted and happy as it did, had I made the decision to parent. I wasn't willing to gamble the life of my kids on the chance that I would get my 'stuff' together and give them the life they both deserved.
I knew, without a doubt, I was already making strides in my life for my son -- but I also knew that it was a daily struggle, as I lived with government assistance to help me get to a place where I'd be happy. What would happen with a second mouth to feed? A larger home? Another set of needs? A second child in day care? I was already struggling and there was no way I could know if the struggle would be to much, resulting in a poor quality of life for both of my kids.
I knew I could 'give' M a life I couldn't give her right now. I knew I could continue to provide for J (my son) and so, that is what I did.
It wasn't all perfect -- they both (the kids) struggled and M even lived with me for a period of time -- but looking back, I know I made the best possible decision I could make for both of my kids and I firmly believe had I made the decision to parent, my life wouldn't be what it is today -- and love doesn't put food on the table, ya know?
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I think both of you are extremely strong women. I am crazy selfish when it comes to my kids. I cannot even imagine what it takes to place a child, let alone continue to see them and have to experience those feelings again and again. It definitely takes someone special to be a birth parent.
I think most parents do what's best for their kids. People tell me often they don't know how I did it- but many parents would, if that's what was best for their child. It hurts. But it's worth it. Parenting or not, mother's live and breathe for the well being of their child.
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People tell me often they don't know how I did it- but many parents would, if that's what was best for their child. It hurts.
If I had a nickle for every time I heard the "I could never..." or "I would never..." and the biggest, "you must have been to busy partying".
*sigh*
People make sacrifices for their children every day. The level of sacrifice depends on their situation. Sometimes, that sacrifice is making an adoption plan and placing your baby for adoption.
Nothing in life is easy. But sacrificing for my child was easier than some other things I've done.
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Ohh I just love the "you must have been too busy partying". Actually I was busy trying to go to school and working 50 hour workweeks barely making it by myself, running from an abusive relationship, etc. The looks on people's faces when I respond with that are too funny.
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Actually I was busy trying to go to school and working 50 hour workweeks barely making it by myself
Word! I was doing the same. School, work, manage a toddler, work, work some more.
Eventually I came out on the other side -- by making LOTS of sacrifices.
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