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I have always know I was adopted, it has never been traumatic. I have never felt any anger or animosity towards my birth mother, she was 18, single, and her boyfriend ran off. Putting me up for adoption made perfect sense. I have never had any real desire to find them though. Occasional curiosity about who I am but that's it. I have a big family, we are not perfect but it is mine. I am now 47. Several years ago shows like Finding Your Roots starting springing up and a lot of people I knew were getting their DNA tested through Ancestry. Well the bug bit me too and I decided to get my DNA tested through Ancestry, 90% to get info about my heritage and 10% to see if I connected with anyone. I really didn't think I would. I was wrong. I was contacted a week ago by a woman who turns out to be my half sister ( well I'm 90% sure and my dna match was actually with her son)
She has known about me since she was 18/19 and has been looking for me ever since. she is VERY excited, she really wants a big sister and all that comes with the relationship. While I am happy she found me and interested to find out about my family ( she has given me a lot of info) we are not on the same level of excited. Also she has not told her/our younger sister or our mother. I am not cool with this. I need to send her an email that I think might upset her and would like to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience. First I really want her to get her dna tested too just so we are 100% sure, she also needs to tell her family about finding me and make sure those relationships are good before starting one with me, I do not want to be the cause of a fractured family. She needs to tone it down a bit, I have a sister I love dearly who I don't communicate with this much ( my sister is also adopted) I still would like a relationship with her and the rest of my family but it need to come a bit slower. I have no problem with weekly communications but she is overwhelming me right now.
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You may need to tell her this. She probably thinks you're as excited as she is. Just tell her you need to slow things down but you want to continue cultivating your relationship.Good luck.
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I think it's totally okay to say to her what you said here. Stress that you do want the relationship, but that it's a bit much right now. You have a good point in that none of this should be done in secret, so I think it's a good idea to ask that she tell her family. In order for this relationship to be successful, there needs to be good communication. I think it's really important that you send her that email ASAP
Wow. I felt the same way when my half-sister contacted me! She was overzealous and I was overwhelmed, scared and unprepared. She had even come from the other side of the tracks too! My curiosity outweighed my reluctance and I met her at a local restaurant. It was a good meeting albeit emotionally exhausting to get so much background in one shot. BUT... Over a short period of time, I really liked her, we had so much in common it was kind of weird right down to our favorite book and what we wanted to do for a career. She became my best friend, I loved her so much. Seven years later she died at age 30 from a brain hemorrhage. My husband who also encouraged me through my uncertaintly about meeting my half-sister, and I raised her daughter who was eleven years old at the time of her mom's death. One thing I can say is that I never regretted our relationship, we never fought, we had already lost too much time. And when she passed away I was so grateful that she was so persistent. I learned so much from her that I would have otherwise never experienced. Be honest, but be flexible. Your temporary discomfort could be a meaningful act of kindness toward her and end there or it could be the start of something more beautiful that you could have imagined.
Last update on September 27, 1:15 pm by Ronnie Geeh.
We have been talking and she does plan to get her DNA tested as well, still working on getting her to tell her sister and mom. I am hoping as time goes by her enthusiasm will go down a bit. Given where we live and my schedule meeting in person won't be able to happen til late next year unfortunately.
I'm sure things will balance out and become less intense as time goes on. I hope by the time you are able to meet in person it won't be so overwhelming since you will have had a good amount of contact beforehand. I'm glad she's getting tested, and I hope she tells the family soon.
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Hi...I have been in reunion with my birth family for 2 years now after 47 years apart and for the most part, it's gone great except for the relationship with my half-sister and brother that I discovered...At first, my sister was engaged and we talked on a semi-regular basis whereas my brother has not really wanted anything to do with it...I was kept a secret from the family and my sister took care of our Dad until he passed away just months before I found them...I have tried to, of course, look at things from her perspective and it's hard because if I was her, I would be excited and into this amazing discovery of a big brother I never knew I had...People are different I get that part though...Over the last few months or so our communication has trailed off to basically nothing and it's tough because what we had before now was great for the most part...She is a busy Mom I get that part too but the desire to want a close relationship with her is so strong...I have never experienced anything like this before...I don't know if it is just instinct or what it is...She has said that she gets my desire and is at peace with everything but that she just doesn't know what to do with the love I have for her and our brother...I have done everything I could think of to do things the right way but I fear that she now doesn't want anything to do with me...She is the closest blood I have and I would do anything for her as her big brother...I have also apologized for the way in which she found out about me...Another family member slipped and said something...I just want to be a part of her life and my brother's life...If in fact, she is at the point of where it seems she is at now? is there anything I can do beyond giving her space? I just don't want her to forget about me