1991 Mixed signals

September 27, 2017

Thank you Brandy. Very helpful. I have literally never posted anything on a forum in my life. I can't believe how great this medium is for getting help to people in need. I will have to pay it forward.

I think I will take your advice and (in a few days) send that letter letting her off the hook. I couldn't agree more that nobody needs needy.

One question, does it change your answer in any way that we had exchanged numerous photos in the many months we were texting? (in other words, she recognized me from afar when we saw eachother). Also, she indicated that her parents had been very open with her about the adoption from early on? While she did ask questions when we met, nothing seemed to upset her.

Brandy

Despite the quote of the tidbit above, I did read the entire message -- but I felt this was the most important part, so I quoted it.

First and foremost, you have to understand what it is like for someone who is adopted to finally meet someone who looks like them, may have similar characteristics of them, enjoys some of the same things they do. You've gone almost half her life knowing what she looked like. You've gone almost half her life with a general idea of where she was. Most importantly, you've gone your entire life, looking around you and seeing that familiar familial face at the Family Reunion.

She has not.

The emotions surrounding a 'reunion', so to speak, are enormous and everyone deals with those emotions differently. Maybe she felt overwhelmed by you being so overwhelmed. Maybe she was overwhelmed by some of the things I mentioned above.

It's hard to know what she's feeling, when we don't know her or you, obviously. But honestly, I'm going to go with my gut and say that, her whole life, she's had this 'idea' of who you were, what you looked like and how the whole adoption plan played out. Now, she's trying to right the plane.

I'd bet she's totally freaked out by it all. The REALITY of knowing you. She may need some time and space to sit back and collect her thoughts.

I'd send her one last email, leaving the ball in her court. Tell her you understand she might be dealing with some pretty intense issues and that you are here for her, whenever she needs you. Tell her you are going to give her some space to work through whatever emotions she's feeling and you're going to allow her to be the one to re-initiate contact when she's comfortable.

Let go. Let God, as they say.

Whatever you do, don't try to force the relationship. Remember, she has parents that have loved her and raised her all of her life. She doesn't see you in that role, she sees you as a friend and no one wants needy friends.

Keep coming back, hash out some thoughts -- even write a brief letter and post it, so we can take a look.

It's all going to be okay, though. Even if you never hear from again, you now know she's okay, she's beautiful and you did the best you could.

I think that's the hardest part -- wondering if she'll ever be okay enough to cultivate a relationship with you.